Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Some thoughts on Infidelity

If you watch Sons of Anarchy and missed last night's episode, you may want to stop reading now...this could be a spoiler.





Ok if you are still reading, then I assume you either don't watch it or don't care.
The main character, Jax Teller cheated on his old lady last night, Tara the Doc.  Now if you watch the show and you don't love Tara, smack yourself because she deserves major kudos for taking on the responsibilities that come with being in an MC as an old lady, being with a guy like Jax, and being a mother to his child who is not biologically hers.  Anyway, Hotty McBadboypants made a huuuuuuuuuge mistake last night and in an attempt to break things off with the Doc and force her to move on (who BTW if you haven't been knocked up and he doesn't know it yet) he pounded the nasty porn chick.  Of all people!

The episode INFURIATED me.  I don't normally get so invested in TV shows but I love this show and the characters and I wanted to jump into the screen, punch porn broad and kick Jax in the sack!  I told my husband this is almost enough for me to stop watching the show.

It got me thinking though, about infidelity and how relationships work.
In the previews for next week, the Doc tells Jax's mom that her and Jax are over, after she walks in on Jax and the porn queen hanging out post bumping uglies.  For me, cheating would be the end of a relationship no questions asked.  I realize for some people there are a lot of factors involved if they catch their spouse, kids, stability, etc...but I would rather be a dirt poor single mother than spend a second with someone who would disrespect me by touching another woman.

I posted a question earlier today on  While the question hasn't been up very long yet, both on this blog and theskinnyscoop people have answered that it would depend on the situation.

I don't get that.

I realize that there are tons of reasons to try to make things work.  One of the people I respect most in this world, stayed with his wife (now ex wife, for obvious reasons) after she admitted to him that she had cheated on him not once, but multiple times with 5 different guys...some of whom he knew.  He stayed because he was trying to do what he thought at the time,was right for his kids.  In my not so humble opinion, if someone cheats on their spouse-they're cheating on their children too.  A commitment to have children is a commitment to be faithful to your family and put them first and having sex with someone other than your spouse can in no way be considered putting your family first.  I will give only one exception to this rule and that is if you are separated and in the process of being divorced.  Divorce is a commitment to parting ways and starting a new life without your spouse and face it, there are times when people drag out a divorce for ages and ages just being vindictive or because they lack the capacity to accept that their relationship is over.

So let's get to it!

Let us assuming that we are talking about  an adult relationship with two somewhat like minded mature individuals.  In my opinion, there is NO reason for cheating.  But let me entertain some ideas and explain my "hell no" answer to the question "would you stay".  And don't be offended that this is about husband's cheating, its just out of ease because well...I'm a chick.

The Alcohol Excuse:  I was drunk and made a mistake
My response:  No, a mistake is making a left turn when you're supposed to turn right...having sex with someone you're not supposed to is a conscious decision.  If you are a responsible adult (which is the only kind of person I would be with) then you know how to drink responsibly and if you cross that line into being so plowed that you can not separate right from wrong and sleep with someone other than your spouse, you have problems beyond the infidelity that need to be dealt with.  If you make a  bad choice to get that hammered and then a secondary bad choice to sleep with someone other than your spouse, what other bad choices are you making in life?  You Sir, get a kick to the crotch and 12 weeks in alcohol rehab.

The Not Getting Any Excuse:  There is no sex in my relationship anymore.
My response:  COMMUNICATION PEOPLE!  If your husband isn't getting it from you and he wants some, he needs to be forthcoming with his frustration and if you're having an issue that is causing you to not want to put out...either see a counselor or see a doc.  They have drugs for those types of issues.  This is not an excuse...this is simply a cop out for not wanting to be honest with each other about the issues that lie between you in your relationship.  You Sir, get a kick to the crotch and a V8 style smack to the head for not talking to your wife about it...and your wife gets a kick in the ass for not realizing she was pushing you away.

The "We grew apart/Not in love anymore" Excuse:  I just wasn't happy/in love with my wife anymore.
My response:  Then be a man, step up and say you're not happy and get a divorce.  Good gravy!  Is it really so hard for people to be honest with each other!?  If you don't like where you are in life and it's so bad that you need to be with someone else in any capacity, then have the balls to admit it to the people whose lives your decisions are affecting.  You Sir, get a kick to the crotch and a sign that says "I have trouble communicating my feelings".

The Need Something New Excuse:  Sex at home was getting old, I needed a new thrill
My response:  How does a swift kick in the junk sound?  I bet that would be a thrill!  Again, communicate!  If things are getting old, go to Lover's Lane, pick up a Cosmo and read it, have sex in the kitchen if you have to...MAKE it new and exciting again.   Because the simple truth is, if putting some effort into making things exciting is too much work, then see the above flash-you're not happy.  You Sir, get a kick to the crotch and a box containing massage oil, handcuffs, a copy of the Kama Sutra and some lingerie...use it how you will.

The Ego Boost Excuse:  It made me feel good to be wanted.
My response:  This one is tricky.  My belief, and I've stated it in other posts, is that part of a wife's job is to make her husband feel wanted.  Men, be it by nature or by influence of today's society, are likely to stray if given a reason.  So it's very simple...don't give them a reason.  If your husband knows you want him and you stroke his ego every now and then, he won't need to be wanted by someone else.  You Sir, get a kick to the crotch and a weekend at a self esteem convention (HAH!  Bet you'll think twice about needing an ego boost now!)

The Because I Could/To See If I Could Get Away With It Excuse:  I wanted to see if I could.
My response:  You're a douche bag slime ball.  Your wife should leave you ASAP.  You obviously have NO respect for her.  You Sir, get 10 kicks to the crotch because you deserve them, and a tattoo on your forehead that says 'Douche Bag'.

I know no one is perfect but  there is a big difference between small things like burning dinner or not calling to say you'll be home late and OOOPS, having sex with someone other than your wife.  The difference is, just like a child getting ready to break a rule and telling their sibling "don't tell mom", someone cheating on their spouse ALREADY KNOWS it is wrong.

I guess if you're ok with your husband sticking it to someone else, then this post isn't for you.

Jemma on SOA said in seaons 2 "A guy needs to own his pussy."  That goes both ways.  A woman needs to own her man the same way he owns her (in a sexual sense...I'm not saying that you are your husband's property, so don't get em in a bundle).  My husband's body, junk included is M I N E.  It would be a serious serious mistake for any woman to think otherwise and I hope to hell that Tara kicks that porn skeeze's ass in an upcoming episode.  I think Jemma's skateboard to the face trick would work wonders on Ms. Buy My Video's attitude and lack of respect.  OH and Jax deserves crotch kicks too, he is definitely not forgiven despite his hot bod.

To me it's black and white...cut & dried.  If you're not happy, if you feel you have a justification to cheat, if you need something more in life; have the pride in your own decisions and the respect for others to be honest and say you're leaving.  Then you can bang whoever you want till you're blue in the face and as long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, cheers to you.  If you cheat you're spineless, sneaky, and manipulative.  I would never choose to be with someone who could be described as any of those things.

Keep posting your opinions!  I'm always open to hearing the other side.


NikkiDerek said...

NO...NO...NO...NO. If I found out my husband was cheating, it would be safe to assume the divorce is pending because there is no reconciliation. NONE.
Stay together for the kids....Nope, they would then be subjected to domestic violence. Every time I thought about him being with the other woman, I would punch him square in the face. Yep, I'm that chick! There are no justifications.
I don't even need to know why, because I know his cheating has nothing to do with me. Nor do I want to give him the opportunity to sell me shit. So he can go on his merry little way, he can tell the kids why mommy put daddy out when he picks them up on the weekends.

21st Century D.G. said...

Nikki, I <3 you!