Wednesday, September 28, 2011

SHOCK value

I got a huge kick this week out of something my friend posted on FB.  Therefore, I must elaborate on it for you.  Check these pups out!

No joke.  Stretch pants that make you look like you FORGOT to put your pants on.  
Ok for starters, I love that the chick wearing these clearly caucasian colored pants is NOT white.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is proof positive that Michael Jackson's skin disease DOES really exist!  You see it here!  This poor woman's legs have turned white!  AAAAAAAAAND her ass!  

Lowes...Really?!?  I've been suspended from grocery store jobs for wearing navy blue pants that were "faded too light".   I can't FATHOM anyplace, much less a big box store like Lowes actually letting an employee wear these!  Now, we've all had the dream where we're at work or school and forgot to put on pants.  How anyone could ever ACTUALLY forget to put on pants (points at my sister) is beyond me.  They're PANTS.  Its not like you forgot to grab your cell phone or a jacket for later when it cools off.  FUCKING PANTS PEOPLE!

By the looks of these pants, not only would you have forgotten your pants, but also your underwear.  Really?  Cuz I dunno about you guys, but that's like the 1st thing I put on when I get out of the shower.  PLUS, how do you put on shoes without realizing you have no pants on???  

OK so suspend dream-reality for a fantastic are these pants?!?  I mean really!  There is no shock value above that of nudity in unexpected places.  

In other words, I would so wear these just to see how people react.  That being said...there are a few items that are notable about both me, and the pants.

As for me, I have been called a lot of things in my life.  More so, a LOT of things in the last 7 months.  My favorite one of them is narcissistic.  Narcissistic?  Me?  I mean I can see how someone who doesn't know me might think it for a minute but really...get to know me, I'm so not that.  I took it as a compliment though, after years of being beyond self conscious...being in-law'd to a woman who constantly made me feel like nothing I did was good enough and battling weight since I was oh pretty much 12 years old...being called narcissistic meant I'm totally overcoming all that nonsense and loving myself enough to make others jealous!  CHA-CHING!  I'll take it.   

That being said, what better for a narcissistic bitch than pants that will draw copious amounts of attention.  I say, nothing.  Which brings me to the other half of this...the pants. 

I need more info.  First off, I'd like to see these pants on someone with a little less junk in the trunk if ya know what I mean.  I left my thunderthighs in the box of stuff my husband took with him when he moved out, so I (after doing a double take in my full length mirror just now) am CERTAIN, I could rock these out without causing as much throwing up in the mouth as this chick.  

Second, I need to know do these come pre-designed with cellulite and dimples?  If so, I'd like to pass on that option. P90X has been good to my thighs, I'm not adding issues that don't exist.  Is there perhaps a style that makes the brown-eye area its been, how should I put it...wiped better?

Also, and of the utmost importance, what does the front look like?  
Do these come in various levels and stages of "grooming" are we talkin sasquatch or full brazilian?   And what about hair color, do the curtains match the drapes or are we just running with whatever the company provides?  These are important things to know if you're going to appear to be naked in public!!
Also, I would like to request that mine come with a random guy's name scrawled across the butt cheek and a heart around it.  Ya know, ex boyfriend style.  Or maybe a tattoo of lips...or the USDA Grade A Choice stamp!  

Come on!  If I'm gonna actually wear these, I gotta do it right!  
And for those of you more private who still like the shock value idea, there are brief versions!  
Far less fun but still, giggleworthy.

I just can't help myself.  I got too big a kick out of them!  And no joke, I'd wear them, just maybe twice.  How funny would it be?  I say pretty damn hysterical. 

Send me more ridiculous links!  I'm dying to have at this stuff!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Did I just say that!?

I'm amazed at the things I hear come out of my mouth.  Sometimes I stop and that me, did I just say that...holy fuck!

I sat down tonight and laughed at myself.  Things that I say outloud and that go through my head now, would have sent me to a padded room with a nice quiet place to scream 6 years ago.  So I figured I would share my favorites.  In the order of how my day went...

-FUCK go back to sleep.  6 am?!?!  What the fuck.
-Yes you're super cute and mom...MOM...HOLY "mama!  Hi!" but its like 730am
-UHG!  its 730am!  FUCK ME in the goat ass!
-Where are my contacts?  Where are my glasses.  Why is moose wearing my glasses.  That's gonna SO not good for his eyes!
-Why does it smell like shit in my house?
-STFU.  Why are all the animals whining at the same time?  Stupid fucking zoo.  Hey!  Lets get a kitten!  That's a great idea!  *Sarcasm*
-Email bullshit.  Comment bullshit.  Business bullshit.  Can I please have a part time job?  OH wait, I can't.  I raise a baby full time.
-Holy hell...what smells like shit in this house.
-Stupid kitten...I think you smell like shit.
-Would someone PLEASE make me some coffee...oh yeah...that's my job...
-Moose come here, do you smell like shit...
-*raises arm to sniff check*  Do I smell like shit?
- Maybe my nose smells like shit on the inside.

Smelling like shit.  Its a theme here.  A dog, 2 cats, a toddler who is interested but not quite potty trained yet...and my gassy ass...yup.  Take out stock in Febreze people.

The concept of my house, er a house smelling like shit never occurred to me until late.  The concept of owning a house...even further from the reality I thought I'd be part of 6 years ago.  A dream yes, a

Looking for a used but new to me house...just me and the little man...even FURTHER from reality.

-Really, something smells like shit.  Really...maybe its me *sniff sniff*  no, not me...

Monday, September 19, 2011

Move me into the trailer

I never leave my house scummy.  Never.  Even if I havent showered I dry-shampoo my hair...throw on a cute hat, make up, and at minimum jeans and a decent shirt.  I was raised by a mom who valued her appearance and so I do too.

So what happens today?  I decide to be scummy.  I was out of milk, out of mt dew, clearly cant have coffee without milk and thus...had a caffeine crisis.  There is a gas station in town that I normally wont spend money at because everything is so expensive but I wasnt in the mood to go into the next town over to the grocery so I said screw it...and double screw it, and headed for the gas station in serious scum mode.

After losing 75 lbs, even my old yoga pants are huge.  So I grab a hoodie, throw it on, a bandana, a tiny bit of make up just to cover my zit and dark circles under my eyes from staying up way too late last night...and its out the door in flip flops and way baggy oversized yoga pants.  Fuck it.  Its just the damn gas station.


Cuz we all know the kinda luck I have.  Sweet Jesus, the guy who walked in when I was standing at the register was GORGEOUS!  No ring, great ink, shaved head, kick ass truck, buff, and had these killer eyes.  And I'm standing there, baby on hip, with the clerk asking me if my divorce is over yet, in scummy baggy pj pants and a bandana and hoodie.  HELLO WHITE TRASH!

Seriously, just reserve me a plat at the trailer park and call up my soon to be ex to bring me a single wide from his work cuz I might as well have been pickin my teeth with dragon lady nails and smokin with curlers in my hair.  At least, being someone who's normally dressed nicely, that's how I felt.  SHIT SHIT SHIT!  The ONE TIME there's something worth paying attention to at the gas station in this God forsaken town...I LOOK like I belong in this town!  DAMN.

I swear.  Somedays, all you can do is shake your head.  My soon to be ex always says he loves his women trashy...good thing he didn't see me like this, he mighta changed his mind about the agreed divorce!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Friday, September 2, 2011

Pass the downers, please

The last couple days have been like this in my house:

My little ER trip that resulted in me being put on Prednisone has taken my already bold and fiery attitude and cranked to the level of psycho ninja style.  My son, who at only 21 months old has an attitude to rival mine ANY DAY OF THE WEEK, apparently reacts to Prednisone the same way and guess what...he's on it too.

So we've essentially had a battle of wills between me:

and my son:

Can ya see how this could be tons o fun???  I can't say that he has EVER prior to being on these meds looked at me and screamed "NO!".  He's the most well behaved kid in the world...but holy hell, he's got his sassy pants pulled all the way up to his armpits the last few days and my fuse is just about burnt up.  Thank God today was his last day on the meds and tomorrow is mine.  Stupid bronchitis!  Stupid asthma!

To top off the joy that our house hold has been the last few days, we have also had Moose's new kitten Teller (as in Jax Teller), decide that he REALLY likes to sneak outside. 

  Now, I really thought I had this under control, much to the disliking of my dog...when I opted to just leave the dog door closed all day and let her out only when she pawed at it, but the sneaky little rat fucker...well not literally rat FUCKER...but you out today when I was letting the dog in.  This resulted in me flying across my back yard which is about midcalf high grass (not my fault, it got mowed less than a week ago by my lawn kid), barefoot, stepping in an ant hill, cussing like I have tourettes.  The dog pounced around only resulting in the kitten running faster for the fence line...all the while Moose is standing on the deck yelling, "TELLER!  TELLER NO!!!"

I caught the little shit, quite literally by the tip of his tail as he was squeezing between fence posts at the corner of the yard through 6' high sunflowers.  This resulted in me being both lacerated across my brand new tattoo by his sharp shitty kitten claws, and being showered in little green bugs...

Picture this, 100 (ok probably like 12 but it felt like 100) little green bugs running up and down my head, neck and into my screaming bloody murder more out of frustration than fear of the bugs...holding the kitten by the scruff while ripping off my tshirt and running wildly through my yard toward my house.  At the same time, the 100 lb German Shepard is nipping at my heels for GOD ONLY KNOWS what reason aside from the obvious statement that she must have completely fucking lost her mind.  Moose just stood on the deck jumping up and down yelling "YAY MAMA!  YAY!" which is the only thing that kept me laughing instead of reducing me to uncontrollable tears of rage.

Once in the house, EVERYONE got a time out.  Dog locked out.  Kitten locked in laundry room.  Moose down for nap.  And me...well here I sit venting my day to you all because quite frankly if I keep bottling shit up because of other's requests I'm gonna blow like an a-bomb.

The house is quiet now.  Not for long.  And I'm left to simply sit here and shake my head at how quickly my day fell to pieces of a puzzle that I am not interested in putting back together.  Is it bed time yet?  Thank God tomorrow is another day.  On a side note, we have these leaf bugs hanging around this year, totally awesome.  This is the one from the other day:

 The one last night was less interested in looking cool and more interested in hanging out on my window and would appear, pleasuring himself.  WTF.  This raises a question for me.  Do animals other than humans masterbate?  I mean seriously.  *shakes head*  can't wait to get off this Prednisone.  I want that filter back in my head that says "DON'T SAY THAT OUT LOUD!" before I end up in a white padded room wearing big red foam squares on my hands to keep me from hurting myself, yelling to my stalker/neighbor in the padded room next door.  At least it would be a nice comfortable place to scream. :)