Dirty Pirate Hookers!!!

I got a good laugh tonight, while watching The Anchor Man.
The night life blew up in my face, that movie came into play.  Its funny how a moment in life can ruin a movie/tv show or give you reason to laugh at it more than you normally would.

As I sat holding my Allllllllllllllmost sleeping perfect baby boy, I couldn't help but think about that statement; and how the world weaves itself together in the most hysterical and comical of ways.  And this is what I have to say about it.

If you find yourself quoting a movie in a way meant to be a secret or to exacerbate problems or encourage bad behavior; be warned.  Life has a way of biting people who encourage wrong when they least expect it.  Revenge; is after all...a dish best served oh so fucking cold...and the frost is just setting in at night.  The most fridged moments are yet to come.

When you think you have life by the horns and it turns and runs you through; I'm sorry, you were right, and I miss you are too little to late, too pathetic and too Tom Hanks sappy sappy someone is dying of cancer movie-ish.  Get on with life.  Wallow if you must, but don't wallow too close to me because I don't want to be spattered in your mud.

If you have crossed the line from whore to whorr-id in ways that entire counties are familiar with; a bottle of jack and a few hours of bullshit on a front porch will not suffice to repair the damage you have done to people's lives. I know, its a shocker that not all people repair the fucked up ways of the world they create with booze stupidity and sucking cock...but it's a fact.
Perhaps in the future it would best serve you to keep your whore mouth and other body parts shut and away from those who they have no business being near.  Just a thought.

I'm just shocked  and left with nothing to do but shake my head at the ridiculousness that is the country we live in and the things we put up with.  There are laws, repercussions, and law suits that can slam the fuck out of people who think they have  right to pry their grub monkey fingers into other's lives.  Trust me.

Its amazing to me that something as little as a sing 3 word line from a horrible movie that a decent actor should be ashamed of producing can shoot someone like me who currently resides on cloud 9 into a fury of small town smut and scandal so easily. But that's what its about.  Getting those hard to handle calls at the same time as hearing those lines and being able to say fuck it all and hang up and turn off the tv and look around and see happiness...even if it means a short rant or vent online.

Here's to the past they can kiss my glass!

Heart break...Heart ache...

Been a while since I blogged.  I know, I suck...but I'm damn good at it! ;)

First and foremost I would like to wish everyone a happy Freedom Friday!  Today is my 1st full day as a single woman.  That's right.  My divorce was finalized yesterday morning, within 45 minutes I had traded this:

for this and a pocket of cash:

Its a truly enlightening thing when you realize that not only do you not need someone in your life, but that you want your life to be yours not theirs.  Whats the difference?  I have friends in my life that I could lose.  I don't need them.  BUT having your life be someone's well, that's pouring your heart and soul into  that person on a day to day basis because they are your number one.  

The simple fact is that if I am not number one for them, no fucking way they will be anywhere in the top 10 for me.  And that's what happened.  Flake or don't flake but if you walk from me and I drop to #...anything below your biological children, you can go fuck yourself and I'm out.  PEACE!

Leave it to me, as my EX husband and I were walking out of court in an awkward silence, him a few steps behind me...to, after he said "well, that's it?" whip around and shoot him an evil smile and say, "Is this a bad time to invite you over to get drunk and have mind blowing sex?"  LMAO!  Of course, after he said "what?!?!" and stuttered for a minute, I told him I was just messing with him and that he isn't allowed to touch me anymore.  But it was good for a giggle...at least on my part.

So the long drawn out ridiculousness that was my life for a while is over.  I'd wish him luck with her but she already went back to her husband.  I'd wish him luck with anything but it would be superficial and full of snark.  Sometimes it does a body or a mind or a heart good to hit rock bottom.  

So today is the 1st day of my new life.  Although to be honest, we've been apart and "apart emotionally" so long it doesnt feel any different...except for the lack of false hope that things will be better...

That shit was tearing me up.  SOoooooooooooooo glad its gone.

Moving on...in other news...I was having heart problems.  Turns out some of my meds were f'in me up BIG TIME.  There are 2 parts to an adrenaline rush.  The 1st is the anxiety build up.  That is an endorphin your body releases.  The second part is the adrenaline release.  The endorphin and adrenaline act like an acid and a base and cancel eachother out when the adrenaline races through your system.  People who have anxiety attacks have the build up but no release to counter it. I...am the anti anxiety girl.  I have no endorphin build up but my body over produces and randomly releases adrenaline causing my heart rate to shoot up, blood pressure to shoot up, etc causing all sorts of shit.  My meds for PPD were making it like 10000 times worse. Fucking meds.

Soooooooooooooo after this for a few days:

Yup, that's duct tape.  Stupid heart monitor and stupid stickum shit.  Didnt stick for a god damn.  So what do I do in all my hill billy wisdom....duct tape.  If you cant duct it, fuck it!

After a series of tests and a couple months of playing with meds, we figured it out. Funny...I dont miss my PPD meds.  I'm happier and more calm than ever and guess what, no dying from heart issues!  WHOO HOO!

Last but not least to catch you up on my super awesome, cant miss a minute of it, soap opera life...I blew out my tendons in my ankle.  Not just one side, both sides. Yes.  The only thing holding my foot on my body was my skin and a tiny piece of bone in the middle.  I am so awesome.

10 minutes after the initial injury

Yup, the next day

So busted ankles, f'd up heart, and all other aside, life is pretty good.  Drama and pain are pushed to the past...love of self is number one (well after moose of course) and its time to just be me and not care about what the rest of the world thinks.  Bout damn time.  

What to say, what to say...

I know.  I suck at blogging.  Well maybe not the blogging part so much as the making time for blogging part.  Damn that clock on the wall!

I wanted to fill you in on what's the haps 'round here.  Some of you know a little about my precious ticker going all wonky on me...some of you don't.  So I'll start with that.  Note to uhm...people who have beating hearts (which I assume is everyone reading this blog with the exception of 3 of you.  HARRRR HARR HAR.  What the fuck ever.) if you start having palpitations, limbs going numb, dizziness, and almost blacking out...see a doc. Yup, a doc.  No, not bitch about it on FB and do nothing.

So shortly after my separation started, I started having these dizzy spells out of nowhere.  I could feel that my blood pressure was high, sometimes my heart raced.  I had no idea what it was.  NO it was not panic attacks.  I knew that much, and I was right.  I kept chalking it up to my asthma.  It had happened on very rare occasions in the past going back as early as I want to say 2003, but never in such frequency and never this bad.

Sweet berjabers, let me just say, at one point I thought I was going to have a heart attack.  Finally I sucked it up after oh ya know, 6 months of dealing with it, and called the doc.  I kept track of when it happened, what happened, etc and low and behold it wasn't my damn allergen infested lungs after all!

So they strapped me into a halter monitor.

 Holy most annoying shit ever on the planet.  1st off, who wants wires hanging off their chest and side?  Not me.  Second, you get to carry around this thing that looks like a pager and push a button every time something wonky happens with your heart.  Boo.  Third, those stupid sticky thingies, yeah they didnt stick to me very well, which resulted in this:

Oh yes.  That's duct tape.  And pretty duct tape at that!  And yes, it hurt like a mofo pulling those 3 bitches off the next day.  Last but not least, no showering while you have it on.  BOO.  I dislike.

So after the monitor and a few other stupid tests, it turns out there's a medical reason for me being wired as fuck all the time, unable to sit still ever, and pretty much always going a million miles per hour.  My body over produces adrenaline.  Essentially,  I'm naturally coked out.   The problem is, when there's way too much built up, my brain says "oh shit, time to unload" and dumps it into my system...and guess what, adrenaline release without build up=jacked up shit on your heart.  Its funny though because its the opposite chemical response from what a panic attack is.  So I'm pretty much incapable of having a panic attack.  Sweet.  That's comforting in some jacked up way.  To make matters worse, the ppd meds I was on were exacerbating ($12 word!) the problem.  I got to stop my meds cold turkey and DT which was fun.  Fun like being kicked in the crotch.  

So while it is something that will happen to me from time to time because at this point its not bad enough to medicate for...being off the meds has pretty much made it stop completely.  Aaaaaaaaaaand in shocking news, once the ppd meds were out of my system, I am sooooooo much happier.  And here I thought depression meds were supposed to make you uhm...ya know...not depressed.  In my world that means happy.  

In other news, my divorce is almost finished.  PHEW!  

It took a long time to realize why this happened and to come to grips with it all but now I see and understand the bigger picture and I couldn't be happier than I am right this minute.  :)  aww!  Warm fuzzy moment on the bitchy blog!  <3  

My weight loss has plateaued but I'm back on track and have hit the 75# mark.  75 pounds lost!  WHOA! 

Yeah I'm smokin!  Smokin HOT that is!  HA.

In other other news, I'm a narcissistic bitch.  Or so I've been told over and over the last month.  But considering how far I've come physically and emotionally I think it's justified.  Wasn't aware that learning to lvoe yourself 

Tick Tock

I havent posted in a while.  Been crazy busy with work and the kid and enjoying Indian Summer...80 degrees in October in northern Illinois...Whaaaaaaaaaaaa???!!!  LOVE IT!

Ready for this.  Like all the other crappola in my life isnt enough, I'm having ticker problems. Yup.  Ticker, as in:

Horror Story

I watched it tonight.  American Horror Story.

I have to be honest, I dont know what part of it is horror, the ghosts and spirits or the cheating piece of shit husband and what his family is going through because of his actions.

Its funny.  I sat down expecting to be scared and instead I found myself angry.  I wanted to throat punch the husband and cry with the wife and child.  When a man cheats, the effects are felt down the line no matter the age or relation to him the person is.

FUCKING GREAT SONG

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"Baggage Claim"

I have been draggin' around your sensitive ego
Making sure that your bags arrive on time for the dog and pony show
A little suitcase like a brick,
It kinda makes it hard to get a good grip
I drop your troubles off at the conveyor belt,
I'll hand you a ticket to go get it yourself

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the ground, check the lost and found
Cause it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles on my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in, so come and get it.

If it ain't obvious what has set me off today,
Behind every woman scorned is a man who made her that way
Go on and take your little business trip with that sweet little habit
That you can't kick
You better call your momma when you get to town
Cause I ain't gonna be hangin' around

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
When you hit the ground, check the lost and found
Because it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
I'm packin' it in, so come and get it

Come and get it!

Come and pick it up, pick it up
Before I blow it up in flames
You better pick it up, pick it up,
Baby, I'm leaving everything...

At the baggage claim, you got a lot of luggage in your name
And when you hit the ground, check the lost and found
Cause it ain't my problem now
I can't carry it on, I've got a lot of troubles of my own
It's all over the yard, in the trunk of the car,
Well I'm packin' it in, so come and get it

Come and get your shit!