Tuesday, May 25, 2010

So apparently...I'm sort of a big deal!

Right so here's the scoop.

My stalker is beyond Straight up Sybil and as a result, my blog is going down for a while.
Some shit needs to cool down and the me obsession needs to be curbed before I do anymore posting.

I'll be back eventually!  Kisses or crotch kicks to those reading depending on whether you fall into the category of Friendly or Charley.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Josh Thompson - Way Out Here

To say that I've come under fire from friends and foes in the past regarding my decision to embrace my redneck side and move to the middle of nowhere (hopefully soon to be even MORE middle of nowhere) and a town of 800 with nothing more than a gas station, hair salon, 2 churches and soon to be opened-a bar...is understating things a bit.

Everything from the usually poking and prodding to straight up being accused of turning my kids into redneck hicks has been throw at me. It doesn't bother me. I love life out here. It's so simple. Things get done, no one is afraid to roll up their sleeves and get dirty. We don't expect other people to carry us, pay our way, or cater to us. We don't feed off the system, we don't beg for help. We roll up our sleeves, we dig our hands into the dirt, and we hold our own.

I am proud to say that my kids are growing up learning how to support themselves, learning about agriculture and it's importance, learning about animals, learning about God. I am proud that they live in a town where some people (not me but some others) don't lock their doors because it's safe. I am proud that they go to a school where everyone knows everyone no matter what grade their in because its a small school. I am proud that of all stupid things-they know train and railroad safety because there's a train running through our town. I am proud that they will grow up knowing how to run a tractor, ride a dirt bike, fix a car, knowing the difference between a 4 wheel drive and a 2 wheel drive and the difference between a gas motor and a diesel. I am proud that they know the words to "Red Neck Woman" and "Amarillo Sky" and half the songs on KLOVE Radio.

Thank God they will be able to hold their heads high. Walk proudly. Stand their ground.
Some might call me a redneck. I call us Born & Bred Americans.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010


My day is jam packed today but I wanted to share some photos I took this morning with you all.  These are flowers from my yard.  The Irises are in a memorial garden for the baby we lost in 2008, TC.  This will be the 1st year they have bloomed and they look like they're going to be BEAUTIFUL!  They're such a dark blue they almost look black.  They're planted in front of a River Sumac that gets red shoots on it, and behind white lilies.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


I suck at blogging the last few weeks!

I would like to start this out by saying thank you to Orkin.  Who's employee banged on my front door this morning like he was the freakin' SWAT team here to rescue little Elian!  His senseless pounding sent my 100 lb baby into a territorial furry waking the 17 lb baby who had been napping for a whole 10 minutes, thus sending him into a world of pissed off 5 month old that I have never before witnessed!  The last hour has been fantastic.  I appreciate it.

Stupidity runs rampant around me, or so it seems.
Remember the story about how the bug guy had an issue with this:

Yeah well today was bug spray day...thus the rescue squad entrance to my home.  Because ya know...its important for the bugs to be intimidated by him when he gets here...

Well I knew he was coming so I specifically covered the twins up a little more than normal.  Half way through him spraying, I realized I was not going to get Moose to stop screaming so in a desperate attempt to quiet him I got out a bottle and threw it in the microwave...yeah, I microwave...so what?!?  
The guy comes down the stairs and says, "Oh, you don't breastfeeding the baby?"  

How do you even respond to something like that knowing his normal eye contact issue?
I wanted to say, "Eww you Can't-keep-your-eyes-off-my-rack-perv, what business is it of yours?!?"

But the PC side of me decided that was probably not going to do me any favors in the way of a good bug barrier.
So instead I stared for a second and then said, "Uhm..." and got up and walked away.
I KNOW...I KNOW!  The queen of confrontation walked away.  Honestly if I had thought of something to say I would have but I drew a blank.

I did however decide that we have crossed the line from creepy bug guy to way out of line and just not cool.  I made a call to their main office after he left and asked if they have had any issues of inappropriate behavior with this guy.  The office lady was, uhm...how should I put it...less than friendly.  Really?!?  You're going to be a bitch to me because your employee has a serious perv problem?
I tried to be nice.  I really did.  But when she told me that I might be misreading him and that I should "Make myself scarce when he comes, or just leave my house open for him and go somewhere." that was the end of it!

I said, "Wait wait wait!  You're telling me that you want me to leave my house and let your guy just let himself in and out.  The same guy who in December, came out unannounced 2 weeks earlier than our scheduled treatment, was turned away by my husband because I had JUST come home from the hospital with our newborn THAT DAY...then returned to your office and told you guys he had treated our house and had you run my credit card to the tune of $74 for a spray job HE HADN'T DONE...??!  And you want me to trust him ALONE in my house?!?  You're out of your mind.  Not to mention his inability to focus on the spiders and silverfish because he can't keep his eyes off my chest is NOT my problem...it's YOURS.  If he was my employee, I would be a little bit apologetic to my customers and offer to take care of the problem; not suggest they 'make themselves scarce'.  It's not like I'm prancing around in a bikini when he's here, I was wearing a sweatshirt!"
Then I demanded to talk to her supervisor.  Who apparently doesn't exist.  I don't know.  I gave up.  
Call it lack of sleep, call it lack of interest.  I told her I either want a new service tech or for someone to basically tell this guy to keep his mouth shut and eyes to himself.  I'm not his girlfriend, I'm a customer.  

What ever happened to customer service.  To caring about your customer being happy and not insulted or made uncomfortable by your employee.  I will admit that at my last job I was the 1st one to stick up for my guys but they weren't schmucks...well some of them were but not the ones I stuck up for.  Companies don't care anymore about if people are happy with them or not, there's always some other sucker out there that will deal with it and keep paying them so F the ones who aren't happy-they're just a PIA anyway.

Unbelievable.  Suffice it to say, when we move to our new place, I will be contracting my insect genocide with someone else.

Friday, May 14, 2010

High Fashion-Me style!

In honor of my 31st, my hubs and I spent part of the evening (post kids in bed) going through boxes of old photos.  My facebook friends all hate me right now...Oh yea...no one is exempt from embarrassing picture posting!
Let me just say, I was a spoiled little thing.  Shopping sprees at Saks Fifth Ave twice a year, Daddy rarely said no.  Mom read and still reads Vogue, Bazarr, etc religiously.  We were always dressed in whatever the hottest trends were at the time.

Looking back...I'm not so sure that was a good thing!  Don't take that as me bragging, just wanted to set up for the embarrassment that is to follow...honestly...these were the hot styles at the time!!!

This will be a fun one for those of you around the same age or a little older than me.  Walk with me as we look at high fashion through the last 31 years!
In the early days...very early 80's, it was all about the terry cloth!  Not only was it comfy, it was functional-no need to have a towel ever!  Just use your clothes!  And of course-you had to have the ringer tee-no outfit was complete without those lovely other colored cuffs on the t-sleeves! (Awww, isnt my chunky sister cute in her diaper!)

Lets face it.  Mom's have a style all their own.  I DESPISE turtle necks to this day.  The stripes aren't bad but check out that shag carpet I'm leaning on!  WOW!
In case you weren't aware...Little House on The Prairie was all the rage!!!  This pinafore dress is so Laura Engles Wilder it's not even funny!  Look at that precious smile!  Don't let it fool you...I'm pure evil!

AH THE BIRTH OF THE BUNNY EARS!!!   My sister, so oblivious!  Look at my shorts!  Could they get any closer to my rib cage?
And the lake!  How I loved the lake.  And the lake loved my matching shorts and button down shirt with the pseudo Hawaiian pink and white print.  No look is complete without a pair of white Keds!

I am going to preface this one by pointing out that we were at camp.  Not exactly the place for Sunday bests. That being said, although I would have argued it back then, I am by far the dorkiest.  I will admit that Ingrid's green on green sweat suit is fabulous, but take a good look at me (2nd from the right).
For starters-holy spiral perm!!  And my glasses...Good God!  If those got any bigger Harry Caray would be jealous!  You can't miss my bright blue sweat pants.  And the piece de resistance...the lime green fanny pack!!! OH YEAH BABY!!! The boys are gonna be banging on my door!

I don't even know where to start with this.  
This was taken at the Welcome Home parade for the soldiers who fought in the Gulf War.
Again...glasses that Harry Caray would love to call his own.  Actually...these look like they just might be his!
That shirt, if you can't tell from the pic, is the ULTIMATE in patriotism.  Not only is it a flag, it is made 100% out of sequins!  That's right folks, SEQUINS!  
Again note the lime green fanny pack (and my sister wearing her pink one...which might I add, she not only still owns but wore this past summer when we were on vacation in Disney!  Yeah...DORK!)
Last but not least, in true Mid-80's fashion...the shiny black vinyl bomber jacket!  This one says "Copeland Dance Academy" on the back.  Because I'm cool like that.

Nothing says Merry Christmas like a bumble bee block sweater!

This is one of my favorites.  Aside from the fact that I (far left) am wearing Mom jeans (above the belly button...which mind you, as a MOM I do NOT wear) I have the long blazer on.  COME ON!  Who didn't own a long blazer and wear it with jeans!  The only thing cooler than this was the early 90's when we all wore button downs with men's ties!  That's right Avril, we were doing it WAY before you...and its still not cool.
Now we've graduated to high school.  Freshman homecoming!  I had 2 dates.  Yup.  2.  
And who can blame them-hello little black dress!

Sophomore year I had to kick it up a notch.  I was after the man of my dreams and the girl to the left was his girlfriend.  I had my dress 1st!!! She copied me.  Rightfully so, I mean, I was smokin!

As you can see, I was thrilled to be there.  And yes...all the guys were wearing purple!  PURPLE!  Ah, Prince (or the artist formerly known as...) would have been soooooooo proud!

Don't worry ladies!  I got the guy!  The following year this was our Jr. Prom pic.  I was fantastic in my red satin dress...with crutches, and a big ass brace on my right ankle.  Oh yeah.  
Sr. Year.  Embrace the hippier side of life.  Bell bottoms were back in style and that adorable flowered tank, formerly a dress, had a run in with my scissors.

Bring on the college years!  Jeans & t shirts all the way baby!

There was always the end of college, don't want to grow up quite yet, but have to look like an adult age.  A nice jean shirt, cute tank, perfect accessories...matched with twisted back and spiked up hair!  REBEL AGAINST BEING GROWN UP!

The bar days!  Back to the 70's style tight baby doll t-shirts.  The only problem was the big ol' boobs!  Always packed into the t-shirt like a fat man in a Honda.  Note-I loved my hair like this!

1st year in my house.  Halloween party.  I was uhm...I don't know.  But the kiddos insisted my hair be sprayed colors just like theirs.  I love that its all over my arms too!

The wedding!  A moment of simplicity and grace...and then THOSE BOOTS!

This past year.  Just about to hit the big 30 and  I refused to conform.  Why should I?  Life is too short to spend it as a sheep.  Perhaps I will go blue this summer.

Today.  Well, not TODAY today but within the last 2 months.  
My new favorite accessory is my Moose.  
He matches everything.  While a bit more cumbersome to wear than some accessories, he is by far the most complimented accessory I own.  Back to the days of Jeans and comfy shirts, anything that doesn't stain, and won't cause a Tara Reid moment.  

So that's my flash back in a nut shell.  Short sweet and to the stitches.  Makes ya wonder what we were thinking!  Makes you wonder what's yet to come!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

It's all about ME ME ME!!

YAY!  It's my birthday today!!!
I'm not one of those people who gets all bummed and "wahhhh, I'm older!"  I love birthdays!!
I love looking back at what I have accomplished, what has changed in a year, and looking forward to what is coming.

So while my spaghetti breakfast cooks (Yes, I said Spaghetti Breakfast!) I will reflect here and then look forward with all of you.

I was born in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, Indiana to the best parents in the world.

I have this sister.  I'd love to smack her head against a wall and knock some sense into her...but I love her none the less.

We moved to the Windy City when I was 5.  And NO, for those of you who need to be schooled-it's not called that because of the weather...although it can be quite blustery!

I got into photography in 1st grade.
I saved my sister from drowning in this very pool when I was only 6.

I have been eaten by dinosaurs.

I have played piano concerts, and contests, and won trophies at a very young age.  (Ok, not quite this young)

I met the love of my life when I was 15...how many people can say that and mean it?

I have been eaten by Pumpkins.

I have traveled all over the US, Canada, and have been to parts of Africa.

I survived college...and at an art school to boot!

I have worked as a cashier, a waitress, a photo lab bitch...eventually promoted to photo lab manager, a stocker, a horse trainer, a mechanic (sort of), a "loss prevention specialist (it was my job to bust shop lifters...awesome job!), a pool supply sales account manager, a tanning salon bitch eventually promoted to tanning salon manager-honestly no better than being the bitch, a bartender, a "beer specialist" (glorified bartender at a small brewery - yeah that lasted about 10 hours), a pet specialist (glorified person who digs dead goldfish out of aquariums at Petsmart...that lasted until they told me to stick my hand in the thing of live crickets...so less than 10 hours), office manager, dispatcher, babysitter to a handful of 30+ ex cons, photographer, and now hold down my proudest job...Mama.

I have been blonde, brunette, red, and some colors that I'm not entirely sure have names.

I have married the man of my dreams. 

I have been eaten by lions.

I have become a mother to 3 overnight. 

I have embraced the simple yet slightly redneck life.
Yes...that's my husband riding a Kitty Kat (children's size snow-mobile) and pulling a sled behind it.  On a street.  In town.  

I have almost been eaten by deer.

I have been loved and spoiled and treated like a queen

I have snuck behind military blockades

I have documented the struggle and rebirth of communities.

I have published a book and given back to the communities.

I gave birth (well I laid there while they pulled him out of my belly...so technically I think my doc and nurse Jacquie gave birth...but whatever...I take credit!) to the most amazing little person in the world.

I have done more and seen more than a lot of people my age can say they have.  I look back with no regret and look forward with excitement!  Bring on 31!  I'm ready for it!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Mothers and Mayhem

I'll be the 1st to admit I've been neglecting my poor blog and all my lovely readers.  Life has been...well...weird to say the least.  If you actually read the about me section of the blog, then you know that our family is a complicated blended one.  We have had a lot going on lately with court, crazy fraudulent accusations, and an assortment of BSC which has taken up quite a bit of time.  Every time I think things are slowing down, they heat back up again!

In the last 48 hours I have had a kick ass Mother's day...as much so as one can when you're sick with other sickies in the house, almost killed myself...literally..., and found out I overdrew my bank account by almost $700!!! It's cool...I got the bank thing fixed.  How do you forget you wrote a check that big?!?  And thank God for small banks because all it took was a little arm twisting to get the NSF fees replaced.  PHEW!

So lets go back.  The day before Mother's Day was ok.  I have a horrid sinus infection (damn crossing military blockades and getting gram negative bacteria, and EBV, and ending up with chronic sinusitis...).  I am the sinus infection queen.  The kids brought home a virus from school and have been playing pass it around for 2 weeks.  Each took their turn...our little man ended up back on the nebulizer just as a precaution after his huge round with bronchiolitis this past winter.  SOoooooooooo I sat all sickly on Saturday, going through decorating magazines and clippings that I have collected over the years and decorated the house I want to buy in my head.
Sunday I ditched church *GASP!* yeah yeah...stayed home with one kiddo on the couch still feeling crappy, the baby boy who by this time was feeling MUCH better...and myself locked in imaginary house decorating land.  After church with the other 2 kids, my hubby picked up some food for our lunch and stopped by his parents to pick up some lovely gifts for me, a willow tree statue and gorgeous necklace.

We hung out all afternoon and just had a great time.  I was spoiled rotten and showered with art projects, letters and a Flip Video!!! YAY!!

The weekend drew to a nice close.  Monday morning.  Ugh.
I started laundry and upon removing the pack n play sheet, realized that there was some orange liquidy stuff dried in the cracks of the mattress.  Once I got the wash started I grabbed my choice of cleaning products (Clorox Clean Up-I use it for everything) and headed off to scrub the pack n play mattress.  About 3 squirts in I realized the bleach smell was probably too strong for little man and took him out to his exersaucer in the family room.  Then back to the room.  The smell went from bad to worse and way more pungent than bleach. NO IT WAS NOT PEE...I know not to mix urine and bleach.  So as I'm scrubbing I start feeling weird and then seeing stars.  I stood up and almost passed out.  I got the windows open, fan on and out of the room as fast as I could.  Before I knew it, my throat, nose and chest felt like I had breathed in and swallowed razors!
It hurt to breath, I was coughing so hard I couldn't stop, and still was struggling to maintain consciousness.

As it turns out, stomach bile does the same thing as urine...when mixed with bleach it creates ammonia gas.
Little man had thrown up in the night the week before.  I was holding him when it happened and sort of aimed him down onto the dog's bed.  The dog bed had been washed the next morning, but I didn't realize that a little bit had gotten projectiled onto the corner of the pack n play and run down under the sheet and onto the mattress.  Gross!  I called the docs office just to make sure I didn't need to be seen by someone and found out that not only can bile and urine do that, but so can a host of other fluids...including dried up beer!  Who knew?!?

So Monday brought a brush with death.  Stupid death.

I was ordered to take it easy, mostly by friends and family...not so much the docs office who said I would be fine as long as I didn't present any breathing problems later in the day (I didn't).
I thought about it, and decided, why take it easy.  What better time to fly through life getting things done than just after almost dying?!
Besides, I now had a predicament.  Where would my little co-sleeper sleep?!?  The mattress was out in the middle of the front yard and no stores carry just the pack n play mattresses alone.  Graco said 6-8 weeks for delivery.  Seriously Graco...that's a little ridiculous.

The hubs had to work late.  I mean 17 hour day late.  After dinner, my youngest 2 hung and watched tv.  Yes, my baby watches tv sometimes.  Judge away but the boy LOVES wrestling...lots of lights and colors and fireworks!  It's like baby crack.
So as I was saying, baby crack on tv, the older 2 were my union crew chiefs.  They observed and 'assisted' as I removed the door from the nursery, removed the door jam from the nursery, and proceeded to move furniture and all sorts of things out of the way as I drug the crib from Moose's room to our room ONLY to find that there's not enough room at the end of the bed to squeeze the crib past it.  So what did I do...I picked the crib up and lifted it up and over the bed.  I earned the title of "world's strongest mom" in the process.  So the Moose bed is in our room, and we're good to go!

So you can see how things got too busy to blog.  Blogging isn't life.  Life and family are life.  Thank God mine are back to normal now!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Levels and Definitions of Stupid

Just as I have blogged that there are levels of crazy, there are also levels of stupidity.
Consider this your one stop shopping for how NOT to look like a complete moron.
I will cover each level, the symptoms and signs of it, and of course-how to avoid it.

Let us begin:

The "Durrrrrh"
This person is of above average intelligence and prone to repeated momentary lapse of said intelligence.
Usually these momentary lapses involve things such as misplacing keys, cell phones, or purses/wallets.
Now, we all have these moments but The Durrrrh is separated from normal people by having these moments over, and over, and over, and over.  Admittedly, I fall into this category as I lose my cell phone at least 3 times a day and my keys at least once a day.  Often times a fully functional normal person can slip into The Durrrrh category simply by having a change of life status.  These changes can be as simple as moving to a new home and not having a "place" for everything or as dramatic as taking on multiple children at once for daycare/babysitting/or living with you.  It is possible for a Durrrrh to move back to a normal status, but usually requires some time for them to adjust to their new life status, or for things to go back to their old ways.
The Durrrrh is harmless, and fully aware of the idiocy of their actions.
The only way for a Durrrrh to stop looking stupid is for them to establish a routine that helps them overcome their momentary lapses of intelligence.

The Oblivious
Frequently categorized as Bimbos, the Oblivious is someone of average intelligence who has their head so far up their ass at most times of the day, that it is difficult to imagine how they are able to walk.  Cheerleaders often fall into this category.  Think of Alicia Silverstone in Clueless...yeah that is what The Oblivious appears like.  They are often heard laughing at things and then saying, "Wait....Whaaaaaaat?"
The Oblivious is likely to have no idea what is going on around them, have no idea what people are talking about, or walk right out into traffic.  They are smarter than they appear but they live in their own little world inside of their heads and only venture out of that little world when someone or something grabs their attention. Like a cat, these attention getters are often shiny or sparkley objects.  They can be mesmerized for hours by a diamond or crystal chandelier.
The Oblivious can be spotted in a crowd by the blank stare on their face or by the typical look of a "cod fish" (mouth open, jaw sagging, big eyes shifting listlessly to all going on around them).
The Oblivious is harmless by nature BUT can be quite dangerous behind the wheel of a car (ask my Dad's Mercedes).
The only way for an Oblivious to overcome their idiocy is for them to have their head surgically removed from their hind quarters.  This is a costly operation and quite often, an Oblivious can be found only days after the procedure, locked in their home with their head right back where it was.

The Finger Pointer
Without a doubt, the most irritating of the idiots, the Finger Pointer refuses to accept responsibility for their stupidity and will materialize the most absurd ways to blame others for their actions!
There are 2 levels of Finger Pointer.  The first level are those who are scared to take the blame for their idiocy and thus find ways to blame others-this type is known as the Coward Finger Pointer
These people make mistakes, frequently at work or school and blame anyone that they possibly can.  This type of Finger Pointer will do something like, screw up payroll and blame the employees for it stating they filled their time cards in wrong...or forget to include something in a major presentation and blame the secretary for it, all the while hiding that THEY are truly the ones who messed things up.  Inevitably the Coward Finger Pointer gets caught up in their web of lies and found out.  Unfortunately, all too often, them being realized happens too late for some of their victims.
The second type of Finger Pointer is the type who honestly believe that their idiocy is caused by others...these people also fall into the categories of Koo-Koo-Loolie or BSC.  See levels of crazy post:  http://www.21stcenturydomesticgoddess.com/2010/04/levels-definitions-of-crazy-21st-cent.html
This Finger Pointer is referred to as the Crazy Finger Pointer, for reasons that are obvious.
This person will blame others for everything and anything even if it's not something they should be concerned with being blamed themselves for.  Some examples of Crazy Finger Pointing are:
*Missing an important court date and blaming the Circuit Clerk's office, stating they never told them when the court date was...uhm...pick up the phone and call to find out.
*Not being able to control their temper and blaming the person they are lashing out at.  (Admittedly there are times when a person can push another to lashing out...however the Crazy Finger Pointer will lash out at people who have done absolutely nothing).  Often times they will make accusations at other's and then later admit that the accusations are false and they only made those accusations because the other person was bothering them.
*This type of idiot would walk out into traffic and blame the person standing next to them saying something like "Well the guy next to me picked up his foot like he was about to walk out into the street...I was just following him."

The Crazy Finger Pointer is categorized by a FULL failure to accept responsibilities for one's actions.  This type of idiot requires extensive help in the form of counseling, therapy, or a good ass kicking by someone on the receiving end of one of their accusations in order to overcome their idiocy.

The Hopeless
We all know this type.  They exhibit a level of idiocy that leaves us standing in awe and shaking our heads.
The Hopeless make mistakes so epically stupid that most people can not even comprehend them.  Hopeless will look first, see cars coming and yet STILL walk out into traffic.  They lie to a level that touches on clinical, pathological, and/or compulsory.  A Hopeless often prances their friends and family members around as though they are good company to have-No...a recently paroled person is NOT the best person to have standing next to you in court no matter WHAT other's may have told you.  They do incredibly stupid things when drunk or high and then claim to have never done them.  Often times a Hopeless will cross over to the Finger Pointer category and blame others for their stupidity but on a level far more damaging to themselves than that of the Finger Pointer.  The Hopeless will often file false or fraudulent reports believing that they can get away with it, or that they have a right to do so.  They often, mistakenly, believe that they can convince others to believe their lies.  The flaw in this reasoning is that their lies are so over the top ridiculous that their transparency can be likened to Kodachrome.

The Hopeless is quite frankly, beyond help.  Their level of stupidity will often eventually land them in jail or the morgue.  They refuse to open their eyes to the fact that they are far too retarded in their processing to dupe those of even below average intelligence.  Do NOT attempt to help a Hopeless for they are...quite hopeless.