Aunt Becky's Meme...but...Me.

Dear Aunt Becky (uhmmmmmmm if you don't know who she is, get your head out of the can and check out her blog:  http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/);

Thank you for rescuing me from a blog post that was sucking me down the dark hole of "what the fuck am I talking about".  Thank you for the giggles in your 2010 Meme and the challenge...I'm up for it.

So check it y'all.  Unlike Aunt Becky I talk about myself all the time.  Call it narcissism, call it undying love for my own awesomeness, don't care what you call it.  But in honor of the end of a crazy wild ride of a year, I am going to snake Aunt Becky's questions, answer them for myself and pray the Moose stays sleeping until I'm done.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND GO!


1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
It really shouldn't be as hard to come up with this answer as it is.  I swear, it wasn't drugs though you'd never know it by the blank look on my face.  
I bought a bottle of vodka for the first time.  I'm so lame.  
Seriously though, I spent my year with my infant/baby son...something that I had never done (spending time with a baby, that is) and had no intention of doing...until my husband knocked me up...fucker.  Literally.  My year was filled with firsts, and overflowing with joy.  So, with that in mind, how about this:  For the 1st time ever, in 2010, I cleaned up baby hork, baby diarrhea, baby turds, baby spit up, and was peed on more times than most porn stars are in a golden shower special.  


2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
It's a silly assumption to make, that I would even remember what my resolution was last year.  I'm fairly certain it was to shed a small child in weight, and if that was it, fuck no...I failed.  Not only did I fail, I failed miserably.  I bought P90X and did it a whole...12 times maybe.  I have been on and off the diet wagon more times than I can count.  
I will make a handful for this next year, starting with my annual January 1st through January 4th diet...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No one that is within arm's reach at this moment.  Although I might be able to pass for pregnant if I puff my  belly out real hard...let me try...

Yup.  That was gross!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Shit.  If I say no, and I've forgotten someone dying, I'm the worlds biggest asshole.  

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Quiet.  

6. What countries did you visit?

Countries?  Pfffft!  Shit, I was lucky if I got out of Dekalb County!

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

August 25th.  I've been called Mama for a long time..but hearing my flesh and blood baby boy say "Mama" for the 1st time...magic.

Oh and today, which if my husband doesn't get his ass home soon, will be the day I go to prison for killing him.  Happy New Years Eve!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Well, I quadrupled my work load for my business this year.  That was cool...and time consuming...but fruitful!  

Although I had to push off the release date, I finished my 1st novel...oh and the new release date is scheduled for 3 months from now...I'll give you more details soon.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I fail at nothing.  Shit, ok...diet=fail.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I'm a walking disaster when it comes to injury.  Me+walking=broken/torn/pulled something at pretty much any given time.  Though I have handled the reintegration of 4" stilettos into my wardrobe surprisingly well!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Well aren't we superficial!  I almost bought 3 new houses this year...then one had a fucking river under it, one had wall failure and flooding problems...and one had a douchetastic bank representing it who was sure that it was worth more than it was...so I avoided that expenditure.  

I bought new jeans a few weeks ago, 2 sizes smaller than the last pair...that totally counts!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband.  His self control keeps me grounded.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Depressed...no one.  Depression is for the weak.  It's anger without enthusiasm and I scoff at it.  

Appalled...do you really need to ask?  Crazy is as Crazy does.  

14. Where did most of your money go?

Who knows.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

In case you're new...my boy.  And every stupid little thing he did right down to farting.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I have to choose one?  Screw you!  I don't like your rules!

Josh Thompson "Way Out Here"...if you don't live it, you wouldn't get it but it's a sense of pride that I'm thrilled to be instilling in my children.  "I want a pet piggy!"  Yup.  Love it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?  Probably happier because Moose is sleeping better at night...sleep makes me happy!  Oh yeah and I'm not a fucking cow anymore...no pump, no millking, no moo no mo.

ii. thinner or fatter?  Thinner but not enough to please me

iii. richer or poorer?  Richer on so many levels

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleeping.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Flipping people the bird...I think I've developed some sort of finger carpul tunnel...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Uhm, next year?

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

I’ll make up my own question because I like to hear myself talk.

Why are you so damn sexy?

Because I'm German

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I thought we were talking about 2010...

23. How many one-night stands?

One Million.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Sons of Anarchy because I said so

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yup.  Fuckin loan guy.  You're a worthless piece of shit.  

26. What was the best book you read?

The most productive book I read this year was The Linked Photographer

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Discovery would imply that some music artist out there actually came up with something new.  That'd be the day.

28. What did you want and get?

An uncountable number of small cheapy notebooks.  I'm  obsessed with little notebooks.  And office supplies.  Saweet!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Film?  Let's be honest...film is a dying thing.  How about movie?  

I don’t remember.

I’m going to make up a new question:

Where are your pants?

I have no idea. Pants are bullshit.  I <3 you Becky!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 and I spent my bday hanging out with my family.  

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I have been advised by my attorney never to say that out loud again...

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Fashion?  Please.  Jeans and wife beaters are a fashion concept right?

34. What kept you sane?

Writing.  Writing.  Oh, and the firing range.  Mmmmmmmm ammo!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I <3 Sarah Palin.  She's a crazy biatch.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Sea Lamprey issue.  Terrible.  Really.

37. Who did you miss?

My Grandma.  All the time.  She was my gossip buddy :(

38. Who was the best new person you met?

My Flinky!  (& Nic hoe!)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Can't fix stupid...not even with duct tape.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

How about one that sums up my philosophy:

Our houses are protected by the Good Lord and a Gun and you might meet em both if you show up here not welcome, son.

Stalkers and Psychos

There's been so much talk lately about stalkers.
You know me.  I gotta put my 2 cents in.

Chances are if you know me or have read my blog long you know exaaaaaaaaactly how I feel about stalking.  Yeah, that'd be why my blog was down for so long.  AKA, I think it's douchetastic and just a teensy beyond creepy.

Lets start by being technical:

The National Center for Victims of Crime states:

While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

Stalking is serious, often violent, and can escalate over time.

Check the statistics:
3.4 million people over the age of 18 are stalked in the US every year
3 out of 4 victims are stalked by someone they know
30% are stalked by a current or former intimate partner (sometimes via 3rd party-aka, a psycho stalks their ex's new girlfriend as a way to stalk the ex)
Only 10% of victims are stalked by strangers
Persons age 18-24 have the highest rate of stalking
11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more (yeah, I'm getting close to being part of that statistic)
46% of stalking victims experience at least one unwanted contact per week (thank God for orders of protection...look into them people!)
1 in 4 victims report being stalked through technology such as the internet/email/instant messaging/social media sites
2 out of 3 stalkers pursue their victims at least once a week, many daily, and usually via more than one method
78% of stalkers use more than one approach
In 1 out of 5 cases, weapons are used to threaten or harm victims
Almost 1/3 of stalkers have been stalked themselves (yea, that doesn't justify it, whackos!)
Intimate partner stalkers approach their victims frequently and their behavior escalates quickly
(http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_statistics195)

Stalking is a crime in all 50 states and all US territories.  End of story.

So what sparked the sudden post about stalking?  Well, to be quite honest, there are WAY too many people that I know dealing with this sort of thing right now and it's crossed well into the concerning category, so I figured a little educating on stalking and a little poking fun at how freakishly crazy you have to be do it might serve to both lighten the mood and help keep people safe.

I belong to a plethora of online sites though, admittedly, I just killed my Myspace account today.  No point to having an account I never log into.  I have a list of other sites who's accounts will soon be going the way of the dodo bird as well.  Love em and leave em was not what I had in mind when I set up accounts on most sites but as my own personal romp with a stalkerific stalker progressed and more and more sites of mine were somehow being dragged out of the dark cobwebby corners of the internet, one by one I stopped using places like Myspace, Cafemom, and even my beloved Bump.com.  I'm a big advocate of never letting anyone silence you, but sometimes you have to ehhhhh not necessarily bite your tongue but definitely disguise your tongue to keep those you love safe.  With stalkers, yup...that's frequently the case.

Stalking in my case was well...lets just say that people with too much time on their hands will find ways to find things out about you if you're the center of their obsession.  In my case, I'm pretty sure that if I sneezed...my stalker knew about it.  Probably still does, but the Stalkess keeps to herself a bit more than previously.

One of my friends recently found out that she's being stalked online...get this...by her daycare provider!  Hmmm...where to start.  #1-Eww to like the 12th power.  #2-she's being paid to watch people's kids...but is spending her time tracking shit down line...shame shame shame!  #3-PEOPLE, STOP BEING SO PSYCHO!

A note to stalkers:  It's not socially acceptable no matter what you try to tell yourself!  What a person does is their business, if they choose to make it public, like the stuff I blog about, then fine, read it.  If someone has an anonymous account on a website that prides itself on keeping it's members info closed, and you stalk them out by some photo or screen name...REEE REEE REEE (yeah that was the sound from the shower scene of Psycho) you've got some serious shit to deal with.

I can't imagine the horror that my friend had to have had inside when her babysitter confronted her about having said something online regarding her babysitting arrangement.  My little man doesn't go to daycare, he doesn't spend time being babysat by anyone I don't know very very well...I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles, that's it...I would trust a couple of my closest friends  but haven't needed to call them in for sitting just yet.  The idea of leaving my kid with someone I barely know, well, fuck that.  But then to have something like that happen would give me the heeby jeebies every time I thought about what my child had been doing during the sitters online fun time...and to put it lightly-it'd be time for a new daycare provider.

 

Auld Lang Syne

Someone smack me!  There is no way another whole year is gone!!!

I've always thought that time moves quickly but this past year seems to have passed by in a blink.  I have being sappy but it's hard not to be when I sit quietly in my grandmother's glider in my dining room and rock my not-so-baby boy and listen to my girls giggle and joke upstairs.  The places we have been and the things we have been through in the short time we have been together...it's enough to make you stop and thank God for his blessings.

Every day my family grows stronger, closer, and happier.  Trials and tribulations...PFFFT!  Baby, drama and stupidity are a cake walk...crazies and unstable people can be dealt with...nothing rattles this cage.

In 7 short days I will be celebrating the day that my husband walked back into my life...get this...5 years ago!  FIVE YEARS AGO!  I can't even describe how fast those 5 years have gone!  2006, you rocked my world in some serious and intense ways by bringing my baby back around.  2007, you rocked my world by making me an insta-mom and tying the knot between me and the hubs.  2008, you were hardcore...full of major dramatic and life changing events, loss of loved ones but also commitments made as a family.  2009, shit...where do I start with you?  A vacation that opened little eyes to more than just the world closest to them, a baby...A BABY!  A BAAAAAAAABY!  Yeah, I said I never wanted kids.  Can't imagine my life without them now!  And then there's you dear Twenty-Ten...you were a year of firsts over and over.  In with the cries of a sweet little one just after the stroke of midnight, and wrapping up today with nothing but laughter and joy in this home.

So bring on 2011!  I'm locked and loaded and ready for whatever comes my way.
Sap over.  :)  Happy and Safe New Year to you all!

XOXO
~21st CDG

Wordless Wednesdays

Walkin' in a ...

Grandpa Feet & Other Ways to Kill Your Sex Drive

The holidays really bring out the fun, the love, the ugly, the alcoholism, the fake smiles, the laughter, the joy, the peace, the re-gifting spirit, the Santa in people, the time with loved ones, the time with ones you love to hate, the secret 'yessssssssss' when you open a great gift, the secret 'ack! wtf?' when you open the not so great gift, the gasp of children at the site of their mountains of goodies, the cha-ching of your cash flowing out of your pocket, the wonder, the amazement, the generosity, the stinginess, the :headdesk: moments, and of course in my case...the snarky sarcastic cynic who wants to throat punch people for being stupid especially at Christmas...reserve your stupidity for other times of the year please!

I behaved...for the most part.

I suppose it warrants mentioning that as always I am touched by the generous nature of the majority of my family & my husband's family.  My sister, who just recently moved and who is trying to get back on her feet, went out of her way with the gifts for the kids, a cool gift for my husband and a kick ass cookbook of 600 spicy recipes for me!  YAY SPICY!  My sister in law got us a gift card for our new favorite restaurant!  Mmmmmm...dead cow!  My mother in law, Liz, got me some really nice and very high quality backdrops for my photo business which I am THRILLED with and can't wait to use; and my parents got me enlargement frames for some of my photos to hang in the new house (something I swore I was going to do here, but after 4 1/2 years, never got around to).  Those are just a few of my favorites.  OH and the Moose slippers my mom and dad got for my little Moose:

But like the movie says, there are the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Bad...the aunt on my husband's side who bought a Santa head shaped purse...yes I said PURSE for our 1 year old SON.  Yes, I'm specifically pointing out that it was not MY family who purchased this because well...yeah...we're not that 'my son plays with baby dolls' kinda family.

Bad...the 'make your own lotion/spa' kit that my sister got for one of my munchkins.  Yes, it's uber cool...and YES it's going to be a stinky mess just like the make your own perfume set they got last year.  Gag-tastic!  I swear my house smelled like a French whore house, or that ex who bathes in vanilla perfume to drown out the smell of booze (yeah...it doesn't work!).  *SIGH*  The fun part of motherhood!  The messes!  It's cool, I'm sure it will be a fun time.

Then there's the ugly.  Ooooooooooooooh the ugly!

I'm sure they're comfortable.
I'm sure they're warm.
I'm sure they beat the hell out of wet socks if you step in the melted snow from the dog or kids coming in the house...but bottom line:  If  I glance over to look my husband up and down all checkin' him out like...and when I get to that down point, his tasseled old man slippers suddenly make me picture my father in law...well, lets just say my hubs will be puts'in the lotion on his skin...if ya know what I mean.

Why my husband is going to go blind.

Sweet baby Jesus in a manger, quite literally this time of year!  I'm in my 30's, EARLY 30's at that...I'm not interested in walkers, Depends, or shuffle board...yet!  I didn't marry a CPA, I married a dirty scuzzy truck driver who wears steel toe'd work boots, ripped jeans with paint on them, and bandanas.  If I wanted to spend my evenings sipping martinis while my husband smokes a pipe and looks down over his spectacles at our children quietly playing word games on the floor...trust me, I could have married one.

I prefer my house a nice blend of tattooed country folk and working class with just a teeeeeeeeeeeeeny tiny splash of trash in there and a big side helping of pirates without ships but who say "arrrrrrrgh" way too frequently for us appear even remotely sane.  For dessert I like to serve up a little cuss way too often and don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me, with a nice big glass of I will kick your ass if you get out of line.  Does that sound like tassels to you?  I think not.  Thank the good Lord above that there were no penny loafers hiding amongst the gifts with my name on them!

Our evenings are less like a scene from Masterpiece Theater and more like a scene from My Name Is Earl.  It's loud, it's obnoxious, it's often filled with screams of violence as we kick eachother's butts while playing Raw Vs Smackdown on Wii, or screams of horror and giggles of delight while playing Cabella's Dangerous Hunts again...on the Wii.  Our kids poke dead bunnies in the eye with sticks, burp like truckers (but always say excuse me), and will not only defend themselves on or off the playground, but also know how to.  It ain't Casa del Cleaver's.

Sadly, my husband loves his comfy new slippers.  Yup.

Additionally, I HATE wrapping gifts.  Hate it.  Hate it like I hate well...things I hate.  Thankfully this year was the sad year that one of the kids found out the dirty little secret behind the Santa cover up.  I had myself an elf!  Joyfully and with great excitement she helped me wrap, plan, and purchase presents from the big guy in red and stocking stuffers from the shorty crew.  Ah the joys of having holiday minions!  They probably weren't the prettiest wrapping job ever but they were good enough for the little man to get so excited about that he literally climbed his pile of gifts!

The Mashed Potato Cook Off ... yeah I won that (tied with my father in law and his awesome tasseled slippers).  I'll share the recipe with y'all later this week, if I'm feeling generous.  But face it, the holidays are over, the niceties are gone, the tree is getting dry, the cookies were all eaten up by the f'ing dog who then in the middle of the night last night got a giant case of "squirt poops" as my oldest would say, and proceeded to trail liquid shit around the kitchen of our house in a desperate yet failed attempted to wake us so someone would open her dog door for her.  Yeah.  I stepped in it at 5am this morning when carrying a fussing baby to the kitchen to make him a bottle!  Awesome.  Not sure if it's better or worse that it was cold by then.  SQUISH through the toes.  Ewwwwwwwwww.  Stupid German shit head.

And last but not least I scuffaw at the little things, the "bribe" as one put it, and the 'not recommended for use in dish washer' which translates to 'not recommended for use in this fucking house because I'm not washing it by hand, biatch!'  My spoiled spoiled spoiled family, who drive me batty sometimes, make me want to cry tears of joy other times, and whose gifts took up 1/4 of a 15'x15' room this year...made out like bandits (don't tell anyone but I was pretty spoiled too!).

The gift stack PRE-Santa's visit and not including gifts from Grandparents etc!

I wouldn't have it any other way.  Well maybe the slippers...but the family...nah.  I can't fathom a day, much less a holiday, without the laughter of my kids, the snark in training of my mini-mes, the smiles and babbles
of my perfect little man, and the innuendos and Irish accent of my husband.  Chaotic Christmas and all, I wouldn't change a thing :)

What I Really Want For Christmas...

...right this second is a bottle of Advil bigger than me.  Frick this headache that I've had for 2 days.  Stupid sinus infections!  I have decided that my new goal in life is to figure out a way to hook some sort of mass batch of liquid antibiotics into my whole house humidifier and run a steady stream of meds to my entire family via our HVAC system all winter long.  I am SO SICK of people being sick.  I swear my house is like...well like this:

The constant passing around of streppalastaphicasnotilous I dont even frickin know what, has GOT to stop. 

I'm pretty sure one of the 6 of us has been sick at all times since mid October...maybe even earlier.  I'm on my 2nd round of antibiotics for the 2nd time in a row and lucky lucky me, going in for blood work today to make sure I'm not relapsing into my Hurricane Katrina Disease of Doom that I was soooooooooooo sure I had officially kicked about 2 years ago.  

So, wahhhhh wahhhhh that's why I haven't blogged in a few days.  I've been licking my wounds and laying around with my baby boy and 2 older kids who are all sporting mini  hand sanitizer sprays, boxes of kleenex and an assortment of antibiotics.  My husband has larengitis which has only made his sexy voice sexier...that's the only up side to this entire batch of grub we have going.  That's not much of an up side.  As I type, my little guy who's sleeping soundly on his home made med in our kitchen where I am running 2 boiling pots of water trying to unstuff his concrete nose...is now coughing.  Awesome.  Good thing I didn't box up the nebulizer for the move yet!

What I REALLY want for Christmas is for my family to all be healthy...and STAY healthy.  Highly unlikely.  I swear, home schooling looks better and better all the time.  Less petri dish=healthier kids=happier family.  

I'm always amazed at the lack of concern people have for one another's health.  Hi...lady at the store...DON'T FUCKING COUGH ON ME.  End of story.  Sweet Jesus is it that hard to cover your mouth?  Or even turn your head?  And forget about kids.  I have worked so hard to teach my little ones to blow their noses not wipe them on their clothes, to cough into their elbows (which...just fyi...I still think is stupid), to keep a space bubble between them and the next person if they aren't feeling well...why can't other people do that?  I'm going to pimp slap the next fucker who spews any sort of bodily mist in my direction or the direction of my small sassy people...or the next fucker who's kid wipes snot on their hand and then reaches for my baby in the shopping cart!
Can you see me in slow motion screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' as some grubby kid gets to close to my boy?  I'm sure postal would be an appropriate description of what would come next.

So as I start my 2nd round of one of the strongest antibiotics they make in pill form...and cross my fingers that it doesn't kill the good bacteria in my body and cause a major case of crotch rot...eww...TMI...I am reminded of that awesome time of year when we cram into stores to buy crap no one wants and infect eachother with our grossness.  Yup.  I'm a humbug today.  I'm good with it.  Now, if you don't mind...my kleenex box, saline, and vapor rub and I are going to go force ourselves to wrap presents.  Tons.  And Tons.   Of Presents.  For my spoiled shites.  :)  Merry Christmas to all!

Killer Sex!!!

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/sns-ap-wi--phone-sex-strangulation,0,1367540.story?obref=obinsite

Awesome Kids Clothes

You guys have got to check out Gilt Children's clothes.  Adorable stuff! 
http://www.gilt.com/sale/children

Dads Talking is giving away a gift card for clothes from Gilt Children's Clothes.  
http://www.dadstalking.com


Check the link out and enter yourselves:  http://dadstalking.com/2010/12/win-some-designer-threads-for-your-kids/

Would you like your brains fried or scrambled?

Nothing warms my heart like a story of strength, survival and kicking the fuck out of a douche bag!
Thank you to my dear friend Chrissie for sending me this link from MSN.com.  It absolutely made my day!

HUTCHINSON, Kan. —

 Hutchinson police say a 71-year-old woman knocked a man who attacked her unconscious with her frying pan.

Police Sgt. John Moore said 25-year-old Kevin Funderburk talked his way into the woman's home on Saturday, claiming he was homeless and had nowhere to go.

Moore said that when he tried to attack the woman, she fought back and "beat him down with a frying pan."

"When we arrived, he was unconscious and lying in his own vomit in the back of the house," Moore told The Hutchinson News. "He was in the hospital in Wichita over the weekend and they stapled his scalp."

Funderburk was jailed on $55,200 bond on suspicion of attempted rape, aggravated battery, criminal restraint and criminal damage to property. He was wearing a neck brace when he made his first appearance Tuesday in court.

The Hutchinson News reported that the woman was injured, but Moore did not release how serious her injuries were.

There are not enough H's and A's in the weberverse to show you via text in my blog how hard I laughed  when I read this.  GO GRANNY GO!

What kind of piece of shit on wheels has a rap sheet including rape, battery, restraint, and damage to property?  Who tries to attack a 71 year old woman?  This guy right here:

 

The only thing better than the fact that this dbag got his ass kicked by a 71 year old woman is the fact that he has a busted face and neck brace in his mug shot forever documenting it!  AND, I would guess that will leave a scar.  How do ya think he'll feel looking at his busted up face and knowing the little old lady from Pasedena gave him that mark!?  

Now, look here little old ladies...DON'T LET GUYS IN IF YOU DON'T KNOW THEM!  Don't even answer the door...although if you do, apparently you should do it with frying pan in hand.  

Not only did he get his ass kicked by someone old enough to have birthed his parents...she mopped up the floor with him so badly that he require staples in his head and a neck brace.  

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND...Babe Ruth there swung hard enough to make him throw up!  Do you know how bad a head injury has to be to make someone hork?  Pretty bad, trust me, I damn near knocked myself out last night when I accidentally threw my head back into the corner of a shelf.  I didn't feel queasy for even a second!  That's a serious body reflex to injury.  I am damn impressed.  

There really are no words for how awesome this is.  

Let the dickheads out there be warned, we women have frying pans and know how to use them!

Make Your Panis 3x Bigger!

That's right. I said, "Panis!"
I'm fairly certain that I will be using that word repeatedly and possibly randomly yelling in the days to come.

After 2 years of fighting swollen 3rd eye lids and cloudy mucousy eyes with a barrage of ointments, gels, antibiotics, antihistamines, and drops...we have decided that my fur baby most likely is suffering from the stupid German Buga Dog ailment called PANNUS.  Please note the spelling.

I failed to note the spelling prior to leaving the vet's office.  Thus my sudden understanding of how to enlarge your panis.  To fully understand the panis and all of its possibilities one must be brave and click on the wealth of knowledge before them when googling their way through the webosphere.  OH YES.  I clicked.  I had to!  Morbid curiosity or lack of sleep...call it whatever you want.

As it turns out, depending on what site you hit (and trust me, I was oh so careful of what sites I hit) your panis of different size is either too big, too small, or my favorite...by Skinny52 on forum.bodybuilding.com, "12 inches across, non-stick, and cooks all sorts of food"...now THAT'S a man!  Skinny52 is super clever and further proof that meat heads and proper spelling are 2 things you will, on rare occasions, find on the same forum.

Per Urbandictionary.com a panis is the same thing as a fupa.  Something all us recent baby makin machines have been working hard to P90X the hell off ourselves.  I'll spare you a visual aid for this one.  You can thank me later.

At healthcaremagic.com you can ask a doctor about your "small panis size problam".  Now that's a whole different issue.  I didn't know that around these here parts people had problams!

Wikianswers tells men with a small panis how to please women.

Answerbag.com has info on how to enlarge your small panis.

Are we having fun overusing this word yet?

All this because I didn't grab the sheet with the diagnosis on it, or ask the doc what exactly Pannus is when I was standing there.  We were too busy talking about Flinky!  HAH!  Though if I were a single woman and already aware of this other meaning for the word Panis, I might have used it as a pick up line such as "hey hottie mcvet man...can you uhm...edumacate me about panis?  Perhaps do you have some sort of visual aid for panis?  Is there a panis that you feel I need to examine to understand this further?"  I have officially crossed the line from tired to delirious.

The Pannus that I was looking for (which no bullshit, took 3 separate google searches to find) is also known as keratitis superficialis vasulosa pannosa pigmentosa chronica.  WTF is wrong with me?!?  How could I not have known that?!  I shame myself.  This type of Pannus is a good advertisement for every dog OTHER than German Buga Dogs (also known as German Shepherd Dogs).  It's essentially a sucky disease that rarely effects any breed other than GSD's and causes eventual blindness most times.  There was some talk of new drops, some talk of meds, and some talk of injections in the eye...yikes.  Then there was some talk of a .22 to the back of the skull to which the vet quickly noted this is not a terminal illness which requires putting the dog down.  Good thing too.  I don't own a .22!

God damn Nazi bastards.  Hitler in all his meth-head awesomeness inbred his German dogs of war just a little too freakishly close to one another and BHAM!  69 years later, here I am trying to un-fuck my dog's eyes to no avail.  Le Sigh.  Another day, another drama.  Tomorrow's a new day...and the pup eyes have new drops. It's nothin but mutts for us from here on out (yeah right...I've got my eye on a Malamute pup!).

So today's public service announcement is this:

Pannus does not equal Panis which apparently in some circles DOES equal Penis.  When in doubt, ask a doc, I'm sure they can answer your questions about all of the above.

Ann Marie, Pleased to Meet You

*Curtsy*

Yeah that's so not me!

Being a crabby bitch is part of my charm.  No, really.  It says so right here on my magnet that my husband bought me at a truck stop somewhere in Iowa...

Awesome isn't it?  He knows me so well...and yet loves me not only in spite of my flaws but because of my flaws.  He must be mad.  I have noticed today that I have a snarky or bitchy comment for almost everything that I see or hear the last few days...yes, this IS different from normal.  Must be this nasty weather putting me in a mood.

Obama Care...yup got a comment for that.

TFB's post about gender neutral raising of children and male feminists...yup got a comment for that (and she's one of my fave bloggers too!)

The school district not closing today and letting kids stand in -15 degree weather at bus stops, you better believe I've got some comments for that.  I hate our district and it's prick of a leader.  *flips the bird in the general direction of Briscoe*  ass.  Not just an ass, an ass who has no questions to any answers at any meeting ever held.  Ignorant ass.

  

Blogging and how it sucks when you want to blog but have nothing to say...yeah, I know, hell is frozen solid today, I have nothing important to say.

Crazy people.  I always have a comment for them.  And they always give me reasons to keep commenting.  That just proves that they're crazy!  

Celebs.  *giant eye roll*  Guess that's something I can go at today...

While walking through the store the other day with my munchkins, my oldest says, "Do you know who Kendra is?"  I spit out a list of Kendras (Kendra G being my fave! XOXO) that I know and then she points to some celeb slop magazine.  Great.  She means Playboy Bunny Kendra.  I say yes.  She says "How do you know her?"  

"No no no, I don't KNOW her know her I just know who she is,"  I explain.  This is of course followed by "Who is she" to which I answer "She's Kendra"..."What does she do?"..."She's a model"..."I've never seen her in any fashion magazines"..."That's because you only read In Style and Vogue...she's uh...not that kinda model".  So the banter goes back and forth for a while and then ends with "Well...she's a drama queen because she lost her baby and is all crying on magazine covers and you didn't cry in public when TC died...and her husband doesn't even care enough to be there with her..." and my mind trails off to Never  Never Land as I realize that...OMG we've like so totally hit that age!  

It couldn't have been a quick in and out day at the store either and the conversation snow balled into a huge news vs yellow journalism mesh of who's who and who's doing what with who and did ya know, Oprah's dating a woman...?  With a minor in journalism, I despise tabloids.  I would despise them without one, but I despise even more that they can't just claim to be the BSers that they really are.  I couldn't care less about who Zac Effron and his giant caterpillar eyebrows are doing, Kate Gosselin's pathetic attempt to whore it up with big new boobies and a fake tan...take care of your kids ya biatch, Miley hittin a bong (whateves, she didn't even inhale!), or who/what/when/where Oprah is with.  That's right.  Don't care!  Actually, I had to hit People's website to even know that much about what's going on in the celeb world.  I know!  

Lack of motivation to write+lack of sleep+cold winter blahs+babies short nap times=a meaningless rant about stupid stuff that will likely kill brain cells if hovered over for too long.

Funny thoughts.  Go to the People website (or click on the link below)...make sure you take some Ginko or something to make up for the brain cells you're about to kill. 

Kate Gosselin...you silly dizzy spoiled bitch on wheels!  

http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20449138,00.html

Sarah Palin invited Kate & Crew to Alaska for some kid time and camping, where Kate was caught throwing a temper tantrum worthy of P-Diddy.  Admittedly I don't watch the show...I tried but can't get past her accent.  Apparently that clip aired on Sunday's episode and now I'm totally regretting reading that book instead of sitting in front of the boob tube!

Gosselin was upset by having to learn about bear safety...uhm...it's Alaska.

Gosselin was upset that she had to try shooting a gun...uhm...it's ALASKA.

Gosselin was cold...uhm...it's ALASKA!

Gosselin didn't have access to hand sanitizer or paper towels!  GASP!!!  How can anyone not have those things?!?  Sweet baby Jesus in a manger...is there anything that doesn't upset Kate??  

People asks "Would you go camping in the cold with Sarah Palin?"

That's a loaded question.  Really it's multiple questions in one. 

No I would  not go camping.  At all.  Really.  I don't like camping.

No I would not go out in the cold.  I hate cold.

Would I trust that in the cold Sarah Palin in all her Alaskany Wildernessiness could keep me alive in said cold with lions and tigers and bears?  Oh,Yes.

Would I hang out with Sarah Palin in a setting other than cold rainy camping?  Only if she tried really hard to drop the "ooot and abooot" northern accent.  Kidding.  Sort of.  I would love to hang out with her.  I think she's a fire cracker...albeit possibly one a little over loaded on black powder...but I like her.

I hate the cold.  I don't like camping.  You know what I do, I stay my pampered suburban ass in the house!

I DO love shooting and would love to kill a bear, well maybe not personally but definitely have someone kill one for me...I want a bear skin rug with the head still attached and the mouth open like it's going to eat something!  (No, I'm not kidding!)

If you haven't watched the video yet, go back to the link above and watch it now. 

Kate Gosselin.  You suck.  Your kids are brats.  Your husband was so distant from the family that all of America saw your divorce coming a year before you did.  You're a bitch, to your now ex and to your kids, and to the taping crew of your show.  You're not as special as you think you are.  Oh and you sound like a 4 year old whining on that clip.  Get a life.  Lose the show.  Get some counseling and learn to take care of your children.  Thanks for the laugh though!  

"I held it together *sniff* as long as I could *sniff sniff* and *cracking voice* I'm done now."  Throws sandwich down on floor like a child "I'm hungry!"  Uhm...you dumb ass...if you're hungry, why'd you throw your sandwich on the ground????  

In other news per People & Yours Truly:

Selina...you're cute.  He's a dweeb.  A what?  I know, you're young...look it up @ urbandictionary.com (it's not good).  Find a cute boy!  And one without the word Beiber in his name.  Who TF is this Justin Beiber guy anyway?

Chelsea Lately in bed with 50 Cent.  Lucky bitch!

Rub his abs for me one time, Chels!  I <3 that broad!

Elizabeth Hurley?  Shit, I thought she died after that horrible movie with George of the Jungle!  

Mona Lisa...don't care.  

Gwyneth...still needs to eat a burger...

Celebs.  What a joke.  But...something to make ya laugh and go, Damn...I've got it good!!

Inspiration

I've been so busy lately that I'm seriously lacking inspiration when it comes to blogging.  So this morning I considered blogging about the pimp slap to Obama Care that a VA judge handed down...then I considered blogging about a post by The Feminist Breeder re: raising a male feminist...then I considered bitching about how it was 15 below 0 wind chill this morning (the school district's policy for no school calls for exactly that) but they choose to make kids stand in the cold at bus stops anyway...but alas...I feel no umph in any of those subjects.

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack

That's right!  And some of you thought you were rid of me for sure.  Yeah it's been a few days but like I always say, blog is not life...life is life...and life has been busy!
But I'm back and so are my opinions, loud and obnoxious as they may be and I've got someone in my sights.  Guess who?

The idiots that run this country!

No not the government.  The school districts!
I mean face it; if you're a parent, teacher, or other school district employee, they pretty much run the show.  And today, my kids' school district was a major F A I L in my book.
While I will admit that my friends in the Chitty (cough*grey*cough)

Fat Turkey Ass

I'm pretty sure that the 1st Thanksgiving is to blame for obesity in the US.  Yup.  How else could it have started?!?  Lets all sit around a table and eat until we're ready to explode.  Totally the beginning of the end of skinny society.  Though...I myself, am a fan of the Roman way of thinking.  Fat=wealthy.  But that's probably just the lazy cheeseburger lover in me :)

1 Year Old

I wanted to share my 365 photo project with y'all.  Every day for the 1st year of my son's life, I photographed him.  Some days it was literally one photo, sometimes only with my camera phone because that was the only way to capture the moment at the time.  When it was all said and done, I had taken 25,876 photos of my son.
I have put together a book and am having it printed for him and also put the images together as one...a single shot for each day.  It starts with my belly the morning he was born (approximately 14 hours before his birth) and ends with a photo taken on his 1st birthday.  I think it turned out pretty awesome so I wanted to share it with other moms, artists and everyone else who checks out this blog so they can take some ideas away from it.  Here it is:

Annnnnnnnnnd we're one...almost...

Sorry I've been MIA for a bit.  Had so much to do to get ready for little man's 1st b-day party!
His actual b-day is tomorrow but we've been rocking out the parties for a few days already.  Yeah, birthdays are treated sorta like Hanukkah around here...we celebrate all week...sometimes even longer.

For those of you following me on twitter (http://twitter.com/#!/21stcentgoddess), you already know I promised a post RE decorating and planning for a 1st bday party...without breaking the bank.  Sort of a follow up to my rant about moms who blow their load on baby's parties.  So here it is, in all it's photo heavy glory (what else would you expect from me?)!

1st Bday banners are hokie.  Yes I had one, but it was passed down and I totally would not have spent the money on them.  My idea (well sort of my idea...it was borrowed from someone else who borrowed it from someone else who ... you get the point)

Hang photos!  What says "let's celebrate my child's life" more than images of said child?  NOTHING!  That question was rhetorical.  

 I chose to go with a polaroid look.  I freakin LOVE how it turned out!

So check out how I did it:

Achieving 'Polaroid Look' Photographs:

1.  In Photoshop (or another photo editing program) open a new 4x6 inch 300 dpi (or smaller but no smaller than 100 dpi for best image quality) file.  

2.  Use the ruler option to mark in 1/2 inch from each side and from the bottom.  

3.  Use the ruler option to mark up from the bottom 2 1/2 inches (this should create a square within the 4x6 with a heavy white area under it)

4.  Choose the images you want, copy & paste it into this 4x6 file (your file MAY need to be sized down to fit within the square)

5.  Using the Marquee tool, highlight any areas outside of the square and delete them (make sure you don't delete any important parts of the photo...like a face...DUH!)

6.  Save the file with whatever name you choose.  

7.  Repeat 

I did this with 3 images for each month that Moose has been alive. 

Obtaining Prints:

Admittedly I used Walgreens because I was in a rush.  I will NOT make that mistake again.  The color was all over the place...I  literally had some images where the white frame was pink...and a number of images were too dark to even use.  Live and learn.

Normally I use mpix.com but I didn't have time to order them and didn't want to pay for rush shipping.  You can also upload your images to other local photo shops like Wolf & Ritz Camera, etc.  

Once you have your prints:

To make it look like a true polaroid you will need to cut 1 inch off the bottom of each image.  I would suggest using an art cutter of some sort to get a straight edge, but if you don't have one scissors will suffice.

Stringing The Images:

It's not rocket science.

1.  Use a single hole punch to make holes

2.  Choose a fabric ribbon so it moves freely and does not make the swag too stiff

3.  Tie ribbons in corners

4.  I used tape to hang them up...I'm lazy.

*note:  I chose to use 2 prints from each month.  I used the extra prints in another project that you will see further down the post.  

TOTAL COST OF PROJECT (including all 39 prints, tape, & ribbon):  $10

When I was a baby, my  mother purchased these solid silver circus animal candle holders.  She handed then down to me for Moose.  I love them!  

Who needs expensive decorations when ribbon is so freakin cheap?  Yeah it's the holidays and yes the lights were up as Christmas decor, but strings of lights can add quite a bit of cheer to a party and lets face it, babies love fun things to look at light lights.  

I chose Black & Orange because they are Harley Davidson colors and threw in blue because well...I didn't want the place to look like a Halloween celebration.  

I made loose easy floppy bows because Moose is a boy and doesn't need foofy decorations.  

Total cost of ribbon to make 10 big bows:  $4

Behind the table you can see the 1st b-day banner that was passed down to us.  I will be passing it along to another friend.  I never would have thought of recycling party decor but it was a great idea.

For table decorations, buffet and server decorations, etc I used his toys.  Since the party was themed "motors", we used motorcycles, trucks, cars, tractors, and machines.  

Total cost of table/server decortations:  $0

 These photos were the 3rd set of monthly images that I had printed.  The banner would have been too long with all the images included so I used the remaining photos to hang around the room on furniture and walls.

The cost of these photos and ribbon is $0, they were figured into the above costs.

Ribbons do not have to be made into fancy bows.  Use the ends of the ribbons as laid out decorations to add color to your tables!  Sit your plates and serve-ware right on top of them.

Outdoor decor was also handed down from my friend.  Cost:  $0

Even if you have no one to hand stuff like this down to you, printing a few big #1's off your computer and using ribbon to decorate your entry way won't run you more than $5 between paper, ink and ribbon or streamers!

Moose's moosey cake was brought  by my mother in law, Liz.  Most amazing cake ever!  I love it!  The cake is from Jarosch Bakery in Elk Grove Village, IL.  They're amazing!  Since I didn't buy the cake I don't know the exact price.  What I DO know is you can get a cake big enough to serve 40 people at most local grocers for about $30...if you don't like the basic designs they do, buy some of this stuff:  and decorate it yourself!  That's what I did for his smash cake.  The icing in 2 colors cost me less than $6.
So lets say you're pinching pennies and buying the cake but decorating it yourself...Cake Cost:  $40

Want a smash cake???   Easy Peasy.  I bought Duncan Hines mix at the store for $1 and done.  Check with your local bakery.  A lot of them give a free smash cake with purchase of a cake for guests!
Cake Smash cost:  $10 including all ingredients and decorating frosting

Last but not least was the issue of food.

We had about 30 people over the course of the evening...some wanderers and stragglers came late...some people were here early...a few stayed most of the evening.

I didn't serve dinner because the party was planned for 3-6pm

We provided a handful of 2 liters of pop (99 cents each)

Other people brought other drinks to share.

I made appetizers.  My little guy LOVES Mexican food...so that's what I went with.

My Menu:

Chipotle Cheddar Cheese Cake ($7)

2 large flour tortillas

2 T butter

2 8oz bricks of cream cheese

1-5 canned chipotle peppers in adobo sauce (drained and chopped finely) (I used 2 and should have used more for more flavor, I recommend going with 5)

3 eggs lightly beaten

Brown tortillas in oven on a baking sheet (aprox 10 mintues on 350)

Run them through food processor to create crumbs

Mix 2 cups of crumbs with 2 T butter and press into a pre-greased 9" springform pan

Mix softened cream cheese and peppers and eggs and press into pan.

Bake on 350 for 1 hour or until center is set

Remove from oven, allow to cool for 1 hour, loosen sides with a spatula

Allow to cool the rest of the way (I made this the day before)

Place in fridge for 4 hours to cool completely 

remove 1 hour prior to serving and allow to come to room temp

Excellent if served with fresh cilantro and sour cream

Olive Salsa ($5)

3 14oz jars of Italian style diced tomatoes

1/2 cup black olived (finely chopped)

1/2 cup green olived (finely chopped)

1/2 c fresh stemmed cilantro

1 T basil or balsamic vinegar

Mix well, chill, serve with tortilla chips

Enchilada Hot Dip ($4)

One small package enchilada seasoning

1 8oz pkg of cream cheese (softened)

1/2 cup sour cream

2 cups Mexican or Taco style shredded cheese

Mix seasoning, cream cheese and sour cream well

Coat 9x13 glass pan with spray or oil.

Dump mix into pan

Top with shredded cheese

Warm in oven on 350 degrees aprox 15-20 minutes or until cheese is barely starting to brown

Serve with tortilla chips

Cost of chips to go with recipes above, and chips/dip for non-mexican food fans:  $12

My other mother in law brought spinach puffs and bagel dogs (cost of those pre-packaged is aprox $15)

Total food & drink cost:  $50

The total cost for our 1st bday party for Moose:  $115.00 (plus presents for him from us)

I seriously see no reason to spend a fortune.  Did we have our entire house decorated to the nines with matching everything and rented tables and chairs, no.  Did we have a clown/pony rides/dunk tank, no.  Did we have an amazing evening with loved ones and a time that we will never forget?  Hell yes!  Oh and one last thing:

Party's over?  Clean up crew needed?  I will rent mine out to you for $10/hr...trust me she's quick!