Monday, December 27, 2010

Grandpa Feet & Other Ways to Kill Your Sex Drive

The holidays really bring out the fun, the love, the ugly, the alcoholism, the fake smiles, the laughter, the joy, the peace, the re-gifting spirit, the Santa in people, the time with loved ones, the time with ones you love to hate, the secret 'yessssssssss' when you open a great gift, the secret 'ack! wtf?' when you open the not so great gift, the gasp of children at the site of their mountains of goodies, the cha-ching of your cash flowing out of your pocket, the wonder, the amazement, the generosity, the stinginess, the :headdesk: moments, and of course in my case...the snarky sarcastic cynic who wants to throat punch people for being stupid especially at Christmas...reserve your stupidity for other times of the year please!

I behaved...for the most part.

I suppose it warrants mentioning that as always I am touched by the generous nature of the majority of my family & my husband's family.  My sister, who just recently moved and who is trying to get back on her feet, went out of her way with the gifts for the kids, a cool gift for my husband and a kick ass cookbook of 600 spicy recipes for me!  YAY SPICY!  My sister in law got us a gift card for our new favorite restaurant!  Mmmmmm...dead cow!  My mother in law, Liz, got me some really nice and very high quality backdrops for my photo business which I am THRILLED with and can't wait to use; and my parents got me enlargement frames for some of my photos to hang in the new house (something I swore I was going to do here, but after 4 1/2 years, never got around to).  Those are just a few of my favorites.  OH and the Moose slippers my mom and dad got for my little Moose:

But like the movie says, there are the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Bad...the aunt on my husband's side who bought a Santa head shaped purse...yes I said PURSE for our 1 year old SON.  Yes, I'm specifically pointing out that it was not MY family who purchased this because well...yeah...we're not that 'my son plays with baby dolls' kinda family.

Bad...the 'make your own lotion/spa' kit that my sister got for one of my munchkins.  Yes, it's uber cool...and YES it's going to be a stinky mess just like the make your own perfume set they got last year.  Gag-tastic!  I swear my house smelled like a French whore house, or that ex who bathes in vanilla perfume to drown out the smell of booze ( doesn't work!).  *SIGH*  The fun part of motherhood!  The messes!  It's cool, I'm sure it will be a fun time.

Then there's the ugly.  Ooooooooooooooh the ugly!

I'm sure they're comfortable.
I'm sure they're warm.
I'm sure they beat the hell out of wet socks if you step in the melted snow from the dog or kids coming in the house...but bottom line:  If  I glance over to look my husband up and down all checkin' him out like...and when I get to that down point, his tasseled old man slippers suddenly make me picture my father in law...well, lets just say my hubs will be puts'in the lotion on his skin...if ya know what I mean.
Why my husband is going to go blind.
Sweet baby Jesus in a manger, quite literally this time of year!  I'm in my 30's, EARLY 30's at that...I'm not interested in walkers, Depends, or shuffle board...yet!  I didn't marry a CPA, I married a dirty scuzzy truck driver who wears steel toe'd work boots, ripped jeans with paint on them, and bandanas.  If I wanted to spend my evenings sipping martinis while my husband smokes a pipe and looks down over his spectacles at our children quietly playing word games on the me, I could have married one.

I prefer my house a nice blend of tattooed country folk and working class with just a teeeeeeeeeeeeeny tiny splash of trash in there and a big side helping of pirates without ships but who say "arrrrrrrgh" way too frequently for us appear even remotely sane.  For dessert I like to serve up a little cuss way too often and don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me, with a nice big glass of I will kick your ass if you get out of line.  Does that sound like tassels to you?  I think not.  Thank the good Lord above that there were no penny loafers hiding amongst the gifts with my name on them!

Our evenings are less like a scene from Masterpiece Theater and more like a scene from My Name Is Earl.  It's loud, it's obnoxious, it's often filled with screams of violence as we kick eachother's butts while playing Raw Vs Smackdown on Wii, or screams of horror and giggles of delight while playing Cabella's Dangerous Hunts again...on the Wii.  Our kids poke dead bunnies in the eye with sticks, burp like truckers (but always say excuse me), and will not only defend themselves on or off the playground, but also know how to.  It ain't Casa del Cleaver's.

Sadly, my husband loves his comfy new slippers.  Yup.

Additionally, I HATE wrapping gifts.  Hate it.  Hate it like I hate well...things I hate.  Thankfully this year was the sad year that one of the kids found out the dirty little secret behind the Santa cover up.  I had myself an elf!  Joyfully and with great excitement she helped me wrap, plan, and purchase presents from the big guy in red and stocking stuffers from the shorty crew.  Ah the joys of having holiday minions!  They probably weren't the prettiest wrapping job ever but they were good enough for the little man to get so excited about that he literally climbed his pile of gifts!

The Mashed Potato Cook Off ... yeah I won that (tied with my father in law and his awesome tasseled slippers).  I'll share the recipe with y'all later this week, if I'm feeling generous.  But face it, the holidays are over, the niceties are gone, the tree is getting dry, the cookies were all eaten up by the f'ing dog who then in the middle of the night last night got a giant case of "squirt poops" as my oldest would say, and proceeded to trail liquid shit around the kitchen of our house in a desperate yet failed attempted to wake us so someone would open her dog door for her.  Yeah.  I stepped in it at 5am this morning when carrying a fussing baby to the kitchen to make him a bottle!  Awesome.  Not sure if it's better or worse that it was cold by then.  SQUISH through the toes.  Ewwwwwwwwww.  Stupid German shit head.

And last but not least I scuffaw at the little things, the "bribe" as one put it, and the 'not recommended for use in dish washer' which translates to 'not recommended for use in this fucking house because I'm not washing it by hand, biatch!'  My spoiled spoiled spoiled family, who drive me batty sometimes, make me want to cry tears of joy other times, and whose gifts took up 1/4 of a 15'x15' room this year...made out like bandits (don't tell anyone but I was pretty spoiled too!).
The gift stack PRE-Santa's visit and not including gifts from Grandparents etc!
I wouldn't have it any other way.  Well maybe the slippers...but the family...nah.  I can't fathom a day, much less a holiday, without the laughter of my kids, the snark in training of my mini-mes, the smiles and babbles
of my perfect little man, and the innuendos and Irish accent of my husband.  Chaotic Christmas and all, I wouldn't change a thing :)


The Drama Mama said...

It sounds like you had a great Christmas indeed!!

Momof2hapas said...

Whew.....I'm just glad I'm not the "husband's aunt" you were talking about!