Friday, October 28, 2011

Heart break...Heart ache...

Been a while since I blogged.  I know, I suck...but I'm damn good at it! ;)

First and foremost I would like to wish everyone a happy Freedom Friday!  Today is my 1st full day as a single woman.  That's right.  My divorce was finalized yesterday morning, within 45 minutes I had traded this:

for this and a pocket of cash:

Its a truly enlightening thing when you realize that not only do you not need someone in your life, but that you want your life to be yours not theirs.  Whats the difference?  I have friends in my life that I could lose.  I don't need them.  BUT having your life be someone's well, that's pouring your heart and soul into  that person on a day to day basis because they are your number one.  

The simple fact is that if I am not number one for them, no fucking way they will be anywhere in the top 10 for me.  And that's what happened.  Flake or don't flake but if you walk from me and I drop to #...anything below your biological children, you can go fuck yourself and I'm out.  PEACE!

Leave it to me, as my EX husband and I were walking out of court in an awkward silence, him a few steps behind, after he said "well, that's it?" whip around and shoot him an evil smile and say, "Is this a bad time to invite you over to get drunk and have mind blowing sex?"  LMAO!  Of course, after he said "what?!?!" and stuttered for a minute, I told him I was just messing with him and that he isn't allowed to touch me anymore.  But it was good for a least on my part.

So the long drawn out ridiculousness that was my life for a while is over.  I'd wish him luck with her but she already went back to her husband.  I'd wish him luck with anything but it would be superficial and full of snark.  Sometimes it does a body or a mind or a heart good to hit rock bottom.  

So today is the 1st day of my new life.  Although to be honest, we've been apart and "apart emotionally" so long it doesnt feel any different...except for the lack of false hope that things will be better...
That shit was tearing me up.  SOoooooooooooooo glad its gone.

Moving other news...I was having heart problems.  Turns out some of my meds were f'in me up BIG TIME.  There are 2 parts to an adrenaline rush.  The 1st is the anxiety build up.  That is an endorphin your body releases.  The second part is the adrenaline release.  The endorphin and adrenaline act like an acid and a base and cancel eachother out when the adrenaline races through your system.  People who have anxiety attacks have the build up but no release to counter it. the anti anxiety girl.  I have no endorphin build up but my body over produces and randomly releases adrenaline causing my heart rate to shoot up, blood pressure to shoot up, etc causing all sorts of shit.  My meds for PPD were making it like 10000 times worse. Fucking meds.

Soooooooooooooo after this for a few days:

Yup, that's duct tape.  Stupid heart monitor and stupid stickum shit.  Didnt stick for a god damn.  So what do I do in all my hill billy wisdom....duct tape.  If you cant duct it, fuck it!

After a series of tests and a couple months of playing with meds, we figured it out. Funny...I dont miss my PPD meds.  I'm happier and more calm than ever and guess what, no dying from heart issues!  WHOO HOO!

Last but not least to catch you up on my super awesome, cant miss a minute of it, soap opera life...I blew out my tendons in my ankle.  Not just one side, both sides. Yes.  The only thing holding my foot on my body was my skin and a tiny piece of bone in the middle.  I am so awesome.

10 minutes after the initial injury

Yup, the next day

So busted ankles, f'd up heart, and all other aside, life is pretty good.  Drama and pain are pushed to the of self is number one (well after moose of course) and its time to just be me and not care about what the rest of the world thinks.  Bout damn time.  

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