Wednesday, September 28, 2011

SHOCK value

I got a huge kick this week out of something my friend posted on FB.  Therefore, I must elaborate on it for you.  Check these pups out!

No joke.  Stretch pants that make you look like you FORGOT to put your pants on.  
Ok for starters, I love that the chick wearing these clearly caucasian colored pants is NOT white.  This, ladies and gentlemen, is proof positive that Michael Jackson's skin disease DOES really exist!  You see it here!  This poor woman's legs have turned white!  AAAAAAAAAND her ass!  

Lowes...Really?!?  I've been suspended from grocery store jobs for wearing navy blue pants that were "faded too light".   I can't FATHOM anyplace, much less a big box store like Lowes actually letting an employee wear these!  Now, we've all had the dream where we're at work or school and forgot to put on pants.  How anyone could ever ACTUALLY forget to put on pants (points at my sister) is beyond me.  They're PANTS.  Its not like you forgot to grab your cell phone or a jacket for later when it cools off.  FUCKING PANTS PEOPLE!

By the looks of these pants, not only would you have forgotten your pants, but also your underwear.  Really?  Cuz I dunno about you guys, but that's like the 1st thing I put on when I get out of the shower.  PLUS, how do you put on shoes without realizing you have no pants on???  

OK so suspend dream-reality for a fantastic are these pants?!?  I mean really!  There is no shock value above that of nudity in unexpected places.  

In other words, I would so wear these just to see how people react.  That being said...there are a few items that are notable about both me, and the pants.

As for me, I have been called a lot of things in my life.  More so, a LOT of things in the last 7 months.  My favorite one of them is narcissistic.  Narcissistic?  Me?  I mean I can see how someone who doesn't know me might think it for a minute but really...get to know me, I'm so not that.  I took it as a compliment though, after years of being beyond self conscious...being in-law'd to a woman who constantly made me feel like nothing I did was good enough and battling weight since I was oh pretty much 12 years old...being called narcissistic meant I'm totally overcoming all that nonsense and loving myself enough to make others jealous!  CHA-CHING!  I'll take it.   

That being said, what better for a narcissistic bitch than pants that will draw copious amounts of attention.  I say, nothing.  Which brings me to the other half of this...the pants. 

I need more info.  First off, I'd like to see these pants on someone with a little less junk in the trunk if ya know what I mean.  I left my thunderthighs in the box of stuff my husband took with him when he moved out, so I (after doing a double take in my full length mirror just now) am CERTAIN, I could rock these out without causing as much throwing up in the mouth as this chick.  

Second, I need to know do these come pre-designed with cellulite and dimples?  If so, I'd like to pass on that option. P90X has been good to my thighs, I'm not adding issues that don't exist.  Is there perhaps a style that makes the brown-eye area its been, how should I put it...wiped better?

Also, and of the utmost importance, what does the front look like?  
Do these come in various levels and stages of "grooming" are we talkin sasquatch or full brazilian?   And what about hair color, do the curtains match the drapes or are we just running with whatever the company provides?  These are important things to know if you're going to appear to be naked in public!!
Also, I would like to request that mine come with a random guy's name scrawled across the butt cheek and a heart around it.  Ya know, ex boyfriend style.  Or maybe a tattoo of lips...or the USDA Grade A Choice stamp!  

Come on!  If I'm gonna actually wear these, I gotta do it right!  
And for those of you more private who still like the shock value idea, there are brief versions!  
Far less fun but still, giggleworthy.

I just can't help myself.  I got too big a kick out of them!  And no joke, I'd wear them, just maybe twice.  How funny would it be?  I say pretty damn hysterical. 

Send me more ridiculous links!  I'm dying to have at this stuff!

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