Friday, March 26, 2010

Grooming, and I don't mean the dog!

I had a much needed date with a razor this afternoon!  My legs were beginning to resemble Germany's Black Forest.  Quality visual, huh?!

I mean, I'm sexy enough as it is with the constant drool stains, my Ode de Alimentum fragrance, Palmolive chapped construciton worker-esque hands, and lets not forget that lovely c-section tummy puff that won't go away...I just had to get rid of the 30 grit sandpaper legs, lest I should have trouble keeping my husband's hands off me!

So as I'm on my second leg, and debating what other areas require some attention...I remembered a link that someone posted on a parenting board last week.  I found myself laughing so hard that I cut my ankle.  Ah, lovely!

I will share:

YES you're reading the link right (that is if cat-like curiosity hasn't already forced you to click it!)


 You can't make this shit up!

Where do I even begin?!? 

For starters, I have to say, after looking at the mug shot a few times...that I really feel a slightly overgrown bikini region would be FAR less obvious than the 3 inches of dark roots SCREAMING from the top of her head.  That's really all I have to say about that.

Second.  I don't know what would possess anyone to shave their bikini area in the car.  Even if I wasn't driving, this would be the last place I would think to do this type of grooming.  Aside from the fact that a 95 Thunderbird is not a stretch limo and would likely require yoga poses which I am just not advanced enough to get my butt into...and never mind the fact that she had to yoga herself around a steering wheel WHILE still pressing on the gas pedal (forget the brake-she obviously did!) there is still the issue of BUMPS.  Yeah, a vehicle doing 45 mph is uhm...less...shall I say fixed, than a bath tub or shower!  Not a risk I'm willing to take.  OH and I'm married to a trucker...I know they see some crazy things looking down into cars...I wouldn't want to share a view of the deforestation of my nether regions with Rubberduck!

Third and possibly the most intriguing part of this whole story to me, WHY was her ex-husband with her on her way to meet with her new boyfriend whom she obviously planned to have uh...relations with?  I have to be honest, I've never been divorced but had my husband, back in our courting days, brought his ex-wife with him to meet up with me, I would have been done with that relationship.  You have to wonder what the ex-husband knew...didn't know...thought he was doing in the car with this woman...and why she told him she needed to shave her privates and like...right then!"

There must have been a sense of urgency to this visit that I just can not grasp.  If infact I DID need to meet my boyfriend and if infact I DID need to shave my crotch, and if infact I DID feel like taking my ex-husband with me for some unknown reason, I would-oh I don't know-STOP AT A GAS STATION OR FAST FOOD JOINT AND DO IT IN A BATHROOM STALL!!!!!

Last but not least, as I sit here with a paper towel on my still gushing ankle, I feel that one thing has been left out of this report.  Did she, or did she not, gash the ever loving hell out of herself with the razor when she smacked the back of the pickup at 45, because I gotta tell you...I slammed on my brakes at 30 last week and dumped hot cappucino ALL over myself and my driver's side of my car.  I sure as hell would think that some injury would have come out of this entire episode!

God bless Trooper Dunick for remaining vigilant about his job in the face of one of the most hysterical and stupid human stories I have ever heard.  His words will be a reminder to all of us who laugh at this dumb bottle blonde  "I know there's a funny side to this, but it's also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this."

Dumb stuff this.  I've got nothing else!

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