It's that time again. The time for faking like you're excited about that gift you got...spending a ridiculous amount of money on people, and regifting to keep God awful crap out of your house.
Aww. Why so down on the holidays, 21stCDG?
Because it's fun to poke fun at stupid presents. In all honesty I love the holidays and I love love love giving gifts...but mine all rock :)
So without further adieu...
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The talking TP roll. While I want to mock this, it could actually come in handy when potty training kids. I can almost hear it reminding my kids not to use too much or too little...
That being said, the horrors that would likely come out of it after my kids (and husband) found the 'record' button, would likely send me under a rock the next time we had company...so I will pass on this purchase for my own home.
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The corn-dog air freshener for your car...ya know, just in case you have the urge to enjoy that Carnie smell during the winter seasons.
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Before going any further, I just want to go on record stating that THIS, is a bad idea if you have young kids. Encouraging them to stick anything up their nose just can not be good...however, if you are in the mood to be gross, disgusting, or mentally deranged, go ahead and pick up a nose sharpener for that loved one who does lots of pencil work.
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The Control A Woman remote:
I would go in depth about all of the buttons...but they speak for themselves. While I wouldn't mind using the breast shrinking button on myself, I have to say...there should be a woman's version too...so VOILA courtesy of yours truly:
There! Isn't that better!
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This one seems to hold a special place in the stocking this year considering the current state of the marketplace and economy. It's the Fishing Pole Pick Pocket. Oh yes...now your kids can practice the art of grifting from the comfort of their own couch. Watch out though parents! Your wallets might feel extra light after this special gift makes its way into your homes!
I so totally want this...but it's because I'm a HUGE Chihuly freak
Dale Chihuly is undoubtedly the glass sculpting master mind of the world. His work will blow you away, and is very rarely ever sold on the private market...so why wouldn't this amazing SWIMMING POOL FLOOR go for $1.5 million?!? Frivolous?!? PFFFFFFFFFFT! If I ever won the power ball, I'd so be blogging pics of this in my pool...which now that I think about it, being glass, would likely pop my 15' round quick-set mushroom shaped bright blue excuse for a swimming spot...
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While we're on the topic of frivolous and stupid expensive, how about a $248,000.00 charm bracelet? Why, yes please! Who wouldn't want to show off a child like collection of ... ya know, I can't even tell what half of those things are. But come on! It has a robot!!! And a windmill! I mean, how can you go wrong?!?
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I think angel things are creepy. Mostly angel baby things. Angel babies are dead babies...stop making statues of dead babies...it's sad, especially to those of us who have real angel babies looking down at us. Likewise, angel dogs are sad. Holidays are happy...dead dogs are sad. Bad taste. Though I do <3 my German Shep, she is far from an angel!
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Who doesn't need key chain nuts?! I know I would just die for a shiney silver sac to hang off my keys next to my laminated pictures of my children! It just screams "YEE HAW, my car's got a pair!"
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F YOU snobby wine drinkers, with your fancy little charm thingies to keep you from drinking the wrong person's drink once you're a few too many bottles into the night! Now us beer guzzlers have some drink bling of our own! That's right! Rubber bracelets for our long necks! (Seriously, anyone buying me a gift, I would so use these at our parties!)
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The "boobilicious" bath towel is a great self esteem booster for your wife! Let her know how much you appreciate her rack! Just make sure she knows it goes letters up, wouldn't want her offended if she thought that part was supposed to go around her big ass!
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Titanic ice cubes! Watch the ship go down over and over again as you chug a lug your booze this holiday season! Nothing says "I'm classy" like reliving one of the greatest transportation loss of lives in written history like chomping away on these cubes!
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Again, I would totally use this on my desk. This pen holder is androgynous but close your eyes and make a wish and it's almost as therapeutic as a voodoo doll! Stab it over and over, and think of your boss, your ex, your in laws, or your spouse depending on how F'ed your life is.
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So long Frosty the snow man, hello Frosty the Margarita! These plastic ice cubes can recreate Frosty's untimely demise over and over and over again. Caution, may reduce children to tears.
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Need a gift for that special girl in your life that just can't seem to pick the right guy? How about the "No Dick-head's" T-shirt!!? It's blatant advertising at it's best and will ward off anyone smart enough to figure out what it means...which is like 6% of the male population...goes great with the Control-a-Man remote!
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What's creepier than an angel dog to memorialize your passed pup? A dog in a bubble! "But how can be breathe?" He can't! It's cool, he's frozen! :)
More insanity for the people with too much bloody money...a life size edible gingerbread house! Your kids can get all Fatty McFatlestein on this $15,000.00 sugary shack! Stupidity at it's best!
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If you haven't had enough of the ice cubes yet, here are some disgusting "tooth" ice cubes. Great for dentists, orthodontists, and freaks who like teeth.
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Always dreamed of marrying a stripper? Now with enough booze (for your wife), and this easily installed "Dance Pole" kit, you can have your very own in home dancing trash! Price recently slashed from $250 to $99!!
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For your dog...because ya know he's throwing parties in his house at night...there's Johnny Barker Black Lab puppy drink. Is it booze? I have no idea...they lost me at the title.
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Suggestive pillow cases will set the mood...for hilarity that is! I fail to see how these could in any way inspire a night of randy romance, but maybe if you have a thing for child like looking cartoons...?
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Need a new place to call your own. For a meager $250,000.00 you can own this luxury house boat. Just think...you can live anywhere that there's water...crazy amounts of windows and lights not included.
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If you're all about the noses, or grossness, or boogies, or snot, or gvomitous things...you could have a hand soap dispenser in the shape of a giant nose that snots your soap out when you push on it. How gagtastic?
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Take your privileged pups for a ride on this bicycle cart thingy. I stress the privileged part of the previous statement because to do so on this rockin ride, you have to dish out $4500.00. Uhm. My dogs can walk.
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What holiday season is complete without a plastic reindeer who craps brown candies for you to eat? Admittedly, I used to have one of these...thanks, Mom. (And you people wonder why I'm deranged!)
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"Water for Dummies" or an LED light set that lights up red when turned on hot and blue when turned on cold. Easy to install this futuristic looking faucet accessory. Though, you all know me, I would do it backwards.
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For you music freaks and/or douche bags who luuuuuuuuuuurve attention; a hat and shirt sporting synthesizers that actually light up in response to noises around them. Now, I'm thinking you pair this with the randy romance pillows and see how the room lights up!
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Why, Santa! Is that a reindeer whip in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Last but not least, no holiday is complete without a nasty Santa. I'm especially partial to the skull and crossed candy canes tattoo on his arm. It's the details that really make this gift special.
This Thanksgiving Eve, with Black Friday just around the corner and Christmas looming on the horizon; take a few moments and put some thought into making each and every gift you give something truly special this year. I guarantee you, with my gift guide, this can be a holiday season that your friends and family will never forget.
In all seriousness, if any of you sick fucks want to buy one of these items, shoot me an email and I'll link you to the sites I found them at. notsodomestic at yahoo dot com
1 comment:
LMAO- Some of those were great and yes, I had the moose laying candy toy too, LOL. Thanks for the chuckle!
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