Monday, November 22, 2010

Backstreet's Back

Or at least that's the rumor.  Can't say I'm jumping up and down about it, but I do have to admit that the video of last night's performance with NKOTB was mildly amusing.

Now, its been some years and I was never a screaming NKOTB freak fan but let me see if I can get them straight...Danny Wood is about 10 shades beyond looking ridden hard and put away wet, but is that him wearing enough MAC shadow to make Christina Aguillera call for his make-up artist's number?
Danny, that only looked good on Brandon Lee...and you're not him!

Jordan Knight...well we all know what happened to him.  He hit puberty and went straight to singing songs of encouragement to serial rapists:
It's creepin' around in your head
Me holdin' you down in my bed
You don't have to say a word
I'm convinced you want this
Yeah.  Nice.  No means No, Jordan doesn't matter how amazing your hair was back in the day.  

Though I do have to admit, that looking at him now, he kinda does look like a serial rapist.

So the New Kids hooked up with the Backstreet Boys to do a mash-up style performance last night.  If you haven't watched it, go back up to the top of the post and check check it out.  Sometimes what happens in the past should stay in the past.  Digging out old bands and letting them sing off key (cough*Brian Litrell*cough) on National semi-live TV is almost as bad as drunk dialing an ex in the hopes that they don't suck anymore.  Yeah.  Unlikely.

"But the careers of NKOTB and BSB ended so fast!"
Uhm yeah, there's a reason for that.

Surely it couldn't have been their captivating lyrics that speak to the souls of pre-pubescent girls!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 
Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance. 
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids' dance. 
Don't worry 'bout nothing 'cause it won't take long. 
We're gonna put you in a trance with a funky song, 'cause you gotta be 
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough. 
We're rough. 
Uhm no.  50 Cent is rough.  You're a bunch of pretty boys from Boston.
 BTW, 50...Thank you for those abs.  -Sincerely, every woman on the planet.

Hey, yeah
Oh my God, we're back again
Brothers, sisters, everybody sing
Gonna bring the flavor, show you how
Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah

Am I original?
Am I the only one?
Am I sexual?
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now
Seriously?  So it's you we have to blame for the OMG craze.  Good.  Now I know who to kick next time I hear "OMG!" come out of a kid's mouth.  What happens if I refuse to answer the question now?  Will you all cat scratch me and bitch slap me to death?  Have your stylist tease my hair so I can't brush it?  *GASP*   maybe they will send someone over to break all my N'Sync cds!!  NOT THAT!
Fine, I will answer the question...

Am I original?
Not really, boy bands have been around for a while.  You're pretty much a dime a dozen.
Am I the only one?
Wait...I was told there was A question, not multiple questions!
Am I sexual?

Dude, even the cat had to stiffle a g'vomit on that one.  
Am I everything you need?
To be totally honest, I need some new cookware, someone to go dig my winter boots out of storage, to win the lotto, and someone to carry out a hit for if you can do those things, then yes you will be everything I need, at least for now.You better rock your body now
Whoa bossy!  You rock YOUR body.  I'll rock mine when I want to.  Wtf does that mean anyway?

It's officially happened.  I've become that person who's old and crotchity and hates the music kids listen to.  Like the NKOTBSB attempt to pay off their coke debts isn't bad enough, I've recently been bombarded by a friend's kid with this band called 3 OH! 3.

I'm fairly certain that the OH! stands for OH my God my ears are bleeding from listening to that horse shit you call music!
1st off, I'd never even heard of them until last week.  Apparently, they already have 4 albums out.
In true boy band fashion they have lyrics to melt the young girl's heart...
Show me yours
I'll show you mine (mine)
Don't you worry 
You're too fine
We got one thing on our minds
And we've got plenty of time

Wait!  I said young girl's heart...That's hardly something I want my tweens listening to!  As a matter of fact, if any boy tries to show my kids his, he's going to be showing it from a jar because I'll remove it for him!
T-t-t-tongues always pressed to your cheeks,
While my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth,
T-tell your boyfriend if he says hes got beef,
That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him
I don't really think there is even anything I can say about this to bash it that's worse than the actual lyrics themselves.  Who writes this shit?!?
OK #1 I'm all about a good make out session but you have to describe it as tongue on the inside of someone else's teeth.  GAG.  I think I threw up in my mouth a little.  Maybe things have changed since I was that age, but I don't think licking the parsley out of my boyfriend's incisors was why we made out.

Yeah, I do NOT want my kids hanging out with or idolizing these douche bags.

Dude on the left is obviously in <3 <3 with dude on the right...who also looks like he could be a serial rapist.

So Backstreet is touring with their lack of ability to carry a tune...even in NKOTB's bucket.  Flexing their vocal chords which, aside from JT, have been neglected for the better part of a decade.  (Just a side note, turns out JT is much funnier than he is talented in music.)
NKOTB is attempting to turn Jonathan Knight away from the mighty realestate world, keep Danny Wood off bad pop star MTV shows, and pull Donnie away from making movies which he is actually...surprisingly not totally sucky at...aaaaaaaaaaaaaand
3 OH! 3 (what the hell does that mean anyway?) is filling the air waves with their techno/rap/teeth licking ack-age.  Thank God that I don't listen to the stations that play them...

If this is the future of music, then I am happy falling into place with the other old farts who sit on their rockers and raise & shake their fists as kids drive by with their windows down and crap they call music blaring.

I always thought my mom was pretty cool.  She raised me on CCR, John Denver, and Van Morrison.  Maybe my kids will think the same of being raised on The Black Crowes, Metallica, and Tori Amos...who knows.  All I know is, in this house, it's "3 oh hell no 3".

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