Friday, January 7, 2011

Watch me!!!

Sorry I've been MIA.  It's been a crazy 1st week back to the grind, plus the holidays.  I have so much that I would have liked to have blogged about in the last few weeks but time just escaped me.  Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd I started a small project that MIGHT have been that 'one too many' that's officially sucking the life out of me.  Thankfully it's short term!

So after a long day of running around...and a total of 13 months of running around with a baby...I have decided that I am no longer going to frequent establishments that do not have the concern for their patrons to give us SOME sort of place to change our children's diapers.  I don't expect an Koala Bear Care table everywhere I go, but this day in age I think it's asinine for places to literally have NOWHERE to change a child.

My day started off with no changing table in the doc's office bathroom...and a "no changing in the rooms" policy.  This was met with a large sigh from me.  Next was the lawyer's office with no changing table in the bathroom and no room on the bathroom counter between sinks to change a baby.  To this realization I spouted, "Frick!".  The lawyers office was followed by another office with the which I responded, "Son of a ...!!!".  Last but not least and unfortunately for them, the icing on the cake...a restaurant with no changing table in the bathroom etc which I responded by stacking all of our dirty empty plates on the next table over, brushing crumbs onto the floor, laying my little man down in the middle of the dining room, and proceeding to change him right there (careful to protect his privacy with one of those super mom, nothing can be seen changes that I have mastered as I'm not ready to have the "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" talk with my ladies of the house).  All this occurred while I mumbled and grumbled to myself Rainman style about how ridiculous it is to think that my kid won't pee all day or that he should just wear a dirty diaper or that I should have to change him in the trunk of the car which I totally don't mind doing in warm weather but its fifteen fucking degrees out and snowing...grumble grumble snark and mumble...

Forget the looks from the other customers.  The waitress was speechless and the hostess practically screeched "You can't do that here!"
Me:  With raised eyebrow (which is muy importante to the story...the eyebrow that is) "Really??  Watch me!"

I am ready to scream and fling poopie diapers at the next person who fails to provide me with a suitable changing place for my son's wet ass!

Look, I totally get the whole OSHA thing and the idea of not wanting left over half digested peas and carrots rotting your customers out the bathroom, but come the hell on!  I always always take a handful of ziplock bags with me and never leave a dirty diaper anywhere...they always accompany me home to mi casa and mi basura.  I don't speak Spanish so sorry if my Dora the Explorer is a little rusty.

That being said, I have a new policy.
If you do not have time, effort, or the desire to set aside some semblance of a flatish surface upon which I may lay my small child for a brief period, so that I can quickly remove, cleanse ass, and replace the necessary garments...I will; in return for your chosen level of hospitality,  respond with an equal level of respect for you and your establishment.  By this, I mean that I will; 
#1 Change my child where ever the hell I want, whenever the hell I want.  This includes on your waiting room couch, your counter (bathroom, front desk, or otherwise), your bar, your table, your chair, your window sill, or the top of your fucking head if I deem it large and flat enough to work.  
In addition, I will;
#2  Absolutely and in every way possible without fail every single time regardless of it's level of wetness, stink factor, amount of matter what color, what odor, what liquification level, or what size...ALWAYS leave my son's crap and urine soaked diapers in the garbage can of my choice at YOUR ESTABLISHMENT...ya know...just to make sure you know I was there and still appreciate you not having a place to change him. 

This will serve a number of purposes.  First and foremost I will have inconvenienced you in a way immeasurably smaller than the inconvenience you have caused me, but an inconvenience none the less.  I will have given myself the satisfaction of knowing that by screwing me, you provided me ample opportunity to rid myself of a little aggravation and frustration.  I will no longer have to carry those pesky Ziplock bags and worry about remembering to take dirty diapers out of my bag at home.  And last but not least, perhaps I will make a big enough stink (pardon the intended pun) to get you to change your stingy lazy ass ways and install a place for mothers and fathers to do their motherly and fatherly doodies, thus assisting your future patrons in a way which you obviously lack the parenting knowledge or experience to understand.

In other words people...put in a god damn place for changing babies.  For shit sake (literally!) they only cost $185 fricking dollars!  Up-charge your drinks for a month.  You'll have it covered!

You can buy them here:

They look like this:
"New" Koala Baby Bear Oval - On Sale! (Official Koala Bear Product Reg $360)
and this:
Koala Baby Changing Vertical Station (Official Koala Bear Product Reg $360)
and for being douchey enough to have to read a blog about it because you don't have one, get us one of these too:
Koala Child Protection Seat (On Sale Reg $100.00)
and for the love of God put it IN THE FUCKING STALL!!!  No one with half a brain is going to strap their baby into a chair and then close a stall door between them leaving the child unattended.

That is all.



VM Sehy Photography said...

I hear you! It's a difficult enough task to accomplish without some room to do it in or one of those trays. I've never seen the Koala trays for babies to sit in. Pretty cool!

I had the opposite experience at a restaurant. I don't remember what was going on, I think the bathroom was being cleaned, so I asked the waitress where else I might go to change my son. She said just lay him on the floor by the table. Um, OK. I know the place is empty and all. I gave it a shot, but gave up on it and went into the restroom anyway. I figured the cleaning staff could lump it!

Hyde said...

I was nodding my head the whole time reading this. LOVE IT AND AGREE.
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