Come to bed with me...

It's not as sexy as it sounds.

At least not right now.

I'm full of snot.  The husband is fighting what I assume is the same cold that kicked my ass to Tibet.  And our little man...well...in his infinite spoil-dum and this teething HELLLLLLLLL we're in...yeah.  Suffice it to say that you can come to bed with me if you can contort yourself like this:

Yeah, I totally chose that pic specifically for the awesomeness of how shiny she is.  That and those boots.  Seriously?  That's just a broken ankle wrapped in gothy goodness!

To get into my place in bed you must be able to squeeze  your fat ass into a space no larger than a airliner allows for your carry on.  I an somewhere between my 200 lb husband, my 22 lb son, and on the cold nights...which are all the night since we live in Chicago...I have one leg down straight, and the other pulled way up so the 90 lb German Dumbyhead can lay between my feet.

This, while entertaining and a good test of one's flexibility, looks something like this (if you're our ceiling fan).

Fear my visual aids!!!! FEAR THEM!!!!

So if you get Charlie Horses, cricks in your neck, and taking 3 minutes to stand up straight, then you're probably in bed with me...or you are me...which means you're uber vain and should stop reading your own blog, Freak!  We're in the market for a California King.  Oh Yeah, Buddy!!

If you accidentally kick your husband and say "Sorry, baby" and in his sleep he says, "Shut up"...you're probably bed with me.  

If you wake up randomly during the night, usually not multiple times a night...if you're lucky, in a puddle of pee (not your own, the baby's ya freaks) then you might be in bed with me!  12 hour diapers...my ass!

If you're really lucky you might get to be there to witness a night where my husband and son, but absolutely never me, gas the dog who sniffs butts, out of the room.  That's a special treat that I've been institutionalize into believing doesn't exist (thank God for sinus infections!).

It's a wild crazy place, my bedroom!  Full of hidden stack of dirty laundry, garbage cans full of pee diapers (ok just one), and a dresser that I'm FAIRLY certain has a counter top on it somewhere...

Somewhere behind the 258 ct box of Pampers and the pack n play...between the humidifier and space heater...under a pile of old t-shirts is a big sexy drawer full of lingerie!  Fuck that.  

For now I'll settle for a benadril, a night cap, and a half way decent night's sleep!  I couldn't pick a place in the world I'd rather be than in bed with me :)