Thursday, January 13, 2011

11 Step Program

This is circulating FB, it's an 11 step program for those thinking about having children.  It made me gigglesnort so I had to share it (with my own twist of seen in italics)

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Buy steak, sushi, anything expensive.  You will be eating ground chuck from now on.  Buy your favorite alcohol, flush it down the toilet.  Yup.  No drinking.

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Find a drill sarge and let them yell at you about doing everything wrong because like you just berated your friends, expect everyone you know to do the same to you.  Pick an in law who is especially pushy and enjoys making snarky under their breath comments...ask them to follow you around for a week and interject their opinions openly and loudly.  Good.  Get used to it.

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)   LMAO!!!
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.  In my case, have the wet bag IMMEDIATELY start screaming and have to pick it up again.  Give up after the 3rd attempt and take wet bag to bed with you, where you will undoubtedly wake up in a puddle of piss at some point in the night.  Take a deep breath...
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.  Please note, if you plan to breast feed, that drink must be caffeine and alcohol free.  Yeah, enjoy your fucking water, biatch!
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.  Cry
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.  I totally disagree with this...I would shit a brick school house if my kids did's a simple concept called WASH THEIR FUCKING HANDS AFTER THEY EAT!!!
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?  Eat crayons, crap the rainbow but forget you've eaten crayons and have a heart attack trying to figure out why the hell your poop is purple.

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. I won't drive a mini-van.  Instead, I suck the world's natural resources dry with my giant 9 person SUV
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice) BAHAHAHAHAHAH!. If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.  Realize it is not OK to call Special Agent Oso "Special Agent Tardo" because even though he's the dumbest bear ever, this will upset children.  It is not appropriate to imply that Handy Manny is boinking Kelly (he totally is!), or to say that you think *insert disney channel female actress here* is skeezy.  

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.  Fuck the car, play it all the time everywhere you are.  If you plan to have more than 3 kids; add Billy Mays, Rosie O'Donnell, and Willem Defoe to the recording so all 4 are yelling at eachother or saying Mommy at the same time.

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say 'it's all worth it!' Share it with your friends, both those who do and don't have kids. I guarantee they'll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you'll need when you become a parent!

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