Friday, January 14, 2011

The thing about poop is...

it happens.  But people treat it like OMG...POOP!!!  Maybe it's the mom in me but I think that what happened to me today was stupid and I feel the need to tell you all about it.

So I'm sick for like the ten billionth time since Thanksgiving.  The short version of this mess is that I maybe kinda sorta snuck behind a military blockade only hours after they got it up in Gulfport, MS right after Katrina hit...and I maybe kinda sorta am a dumb ass and didn't  think about why they would have to put up a military blockade...and I maybe kinda sorta didn't think to wear a mask or respirator...and I most definitely without question, contracted a bacterial infection that will haunt me for the rest of my life.  That's the short version.

Yes it's been 5 years + since Katrina hit, and like the Mississippi Gulf Coast, I have not recovered.

Fast forward to today.  I go to the doc so they can schedule me for blood work and a ct scan of my sinuses which is where my illnesses usually strike me.  Please note...I have a sinus infection.  That means I can't smell shit.  Literally.
So I have my Moose with me.  For those of you who are new followers...this is my Moose:
So I have my Moose with my, and it's a long drive in.  50 minutes to be exact.  And I get to the doc and notice he's extra talkative in the backseat.  That's cute!  Or is it?
I get him out of the car, load up with my diaper bag, and head into the office.  At the check in counter, I vaguely notice that the lady standing behind me has backed away from me.  Weird.  About that time I realize there is a TINY TINY spot under my hand that is feeling wetter and wetter.  I think to myself "long drive...full bottle of juice (no hippies, not JUICE JUICE, a mix of 1/4 infant juice and 3/4 water...keep your pants on) probably a little pee leak".

Boy was I wrong.

Now, the counter services 2 people checking in at once time, all cozy side by side like.  Slowly I come to realize that the few people behind the lady next to me are backing away.  Then the lady next to me slides as far to her left as possible...I was on her right.  Then the lady checking me in gets this really weird face.  I look around and say, "What?!?  Does he stink or something??  I have a sinus infection, I can't smell anything!"

The lady checking me in shakes her head yes but says NOTHING.  Maybe this should have been a sign.
As I turn to walk away from the counter, I switch which arm he is in and realize my arm and hip are COVERED IN POOP!  Not just a little poop, I mean elephant size too squishy to be considered a solid carrot chunk filled poop.

As I move my arm away from my body I realize that this is coming out of my mouth:  "Aw...AW!...AWWWW!"  In an increasingly more annoyed and disgusted tone.  I haven't actually walked away from the counter at this point, just turned to face my audience of approximately 40 people in the waiting room, all of whom are staring at me wide eyed saying nothing except ONE KID of about 12 years old who is sitting in the back corner laughing his ASS off!  On him, I place the curse of someday having twins.  That's right...2 shit diapers at once ya little prick!  Ok, it was probably funny.  Definitely funny.  Just not yet.

I turn back to the lady who just checked me in an say, "Seriously...I'm covered in shit and NO ONE thought it might be a good idea to, I don't fucking know, TELL ME!!!!???!"  She was still speechless and I had yet to inspect the Moose.  This must be bad!  I explain to her that I keep a Ziplock sandwich bag in my diaper bag at all times.  She says, "Do you want me to get it out for you?"


and then a little bit of this:

It's a fucking SANDWICH BAG!!!  Judging by the fact that people are backing away from me like I have a bomb strapped to me and am demanding a million bucks in unmarked bills...that's not gonna cut it!!!

It took me a minute to respond.  Dumbfounded I said, "Perhaps you could hook me up with something a bit one of those 3 gallon bio-hazard bags over there..."  I shit you not, she told me "That is medical property only, I can't give you one of those."  There's a stack a mile high of them sitting empty.  Fine.
I reply, "Ok, well aside from the fact that this IS a damn bio-hazard, or at least that's how y'all are acting...what would you like me to do with my shit covered son?  Because I fail to have a proper size Ziplock back with me to contain this either you McGiver up somethin' or this all goes in your garbage can!"

She leaves and get this...comes back with a 20 gallon garbage bag!!!  LMAO!!!
Ok.  She McGivered it, I'll give her that!  I walk away and people part like the Red Sea.  After a quick bath in the restroom sink and some fresh clothes...I tossed his pants, shirt, COAT, HAT, and one sock in the garbage bag along with the wipes and dirty diaper, wrapped it around my fingers and tied it as tight as I could to contain the smell.

I head back to the lobby and tell the lady that checked me in, who's name I really should know since I'm there every week sick, but don't...that I'm going to run to the car real fast.  Ya put the poop bag in my hand in my be polite.  She says "Oh no!  They're ready for you...if you do that, they'll call the next person in line back and you will have to wait."
My sinunses are about to fall the fuck out of the front of my face and she's going to make me wait if I do something NICE to ensure their entire office building doesn't smell like last night's pot roast???? ASSHATS!

So I said screw it, and carried my poop trash bag with me slung over my shoulder like a nap sack, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllll through their office.  My doc thought it was funny. She has a baby only a few months older than Moose.  She calls an occurrence like that a "breach of security".  I <3 her!

I managed to make the rest of the day without any more shitsplosions.  I've been dosed with 28 days of a heavy duty antibiotic (crossing my fingers it won't cause crotch rot!  Sing it with me...Activiaaaaa), 14 days of an oral steroid, indefinite use of a nasal spray steroid, indefinite use of a prescription antihistamine and decongestant...will have a CT scan and blood work done next week and there's a good chance they will be going at my sinuses with one of these: least the medical equivalent of it.  Which I welcome ten fold if it's going to stop this insanity!  The much the uh...poop.  Pretty sure that Roto-Rooter would only cause more poop problems...

So that was my day in a nut shell.  I still can't believe that NO ONE told me that I was a walking stick of excrement.  *shakes head*  and to think...I still tell people if they have something between their teeth...


Anonymous said...

I was so trying not to laugh reading this but you got me at Activiaaaaa! I can't believe people didn't tell you about the poo.

21st Century D.G. said...

LMAO! Yeah, I bought like 4 cases today at the store and the clerk looked at me like there was something really wrong with me.
:) Glad I could make ya giggle!

Traci66 said...

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ozzykelley1 at yahoo dot com

Imogen ( said...

This post made me want to hug you whilst simultaneously laughing my ass off. Solidarity, sistah.

21st Century D.G. said...

HAHA! Yeah it was a day. NOW that it's over, I just re-read this and laughed my ass off! It really was quite funny, wish I could have watched it as an outsider.