Tuesday, April 19, 2011

BITCHES & Hos...is it Hos or Hoes?

Ok not really hos er hoes.  Just bitches.  Yup.  Blog about bitches.  Who woulda thunk it?

Bitches like me?  Wait...what...?  ;)  Or bitches that just say "Wait...what?" waaaaaaaaaaaay too often...think of the Southpark episode where Cartman says "Hella" all the time...YUP!  It's kinda like that.

I promised my mom a blog about bitches and the sizes, shapes, and types they come in.  My mom?  Why yes...my mom...THE bitch, the woman who raised me right and taught me everthing she knows about living up to the B word in all it's man controlling, woman crushing, god like power wielding glory.  How, does one end up promising a blog about bitches to their mother, you ask?  Well, it went something like this:

We (my parents, Moose, and myself) were at dinner the other night and what sounded like the word "bitch" came out of the mouth of my precious 16 month old.  Yup.  The kid says maybe 80 words and that's apparently one of them.  The table fell silent for a brief second and then my father burst into hysterical laughter.  At this point I realized that it was quite likely that Moose really HAD said that word.  Awesome #1.  This is not the 1st time I heard this word come from my sweet sweet baby boy's mouth.  A few weeks back I dropped something and swore he said "bitch".  I actually, without thinking that a 16 month old's comprehension and Q&A skills are not fully developed yet, asked him "did you just say bitch?"
He shook his head yes in huge up and down motions and said "yup" and walked away.  I will never really know if he knew what we were talking about or not.  I will always wonder!

So back to how this turned into a blog post.  In a Gilmore Girls like exchange immediately following my father bursting into maniacal laughter, my mom and I bantered something like this:
Me:  Bitch!  What kinda bitch?  Like Son of a bitch...because he totally is!
Her:  Dumb bitch?
Me:  No!  Wait, who?  Cuz we know some dumb bitches!  Not me, of course!

This continued.  My dad interjected.  I noted that there is such a vast variety of bitches and announced that I would blog about it.  Mom said she looked forward to it and here we are!


So back to bitches.  As I stated there is a HUGE variety of bitches and subbitches.  But I will go through just a handful.  Now, if you're new to the blog, this sort of post happens every now and then...please feel free to check out the post about crazies and the post about stupidity found here:
http://www.accordingtoabby.com/2010/04/levels-definitions-of-crazy-21st-cent.html
and here:
http://www.accordingtoabby.com/2010/05/how-not-to-look-stupidfor-dummies.html

For the sake of time and keeping your eyes from burning out of your head (plus nap time, wont last forever) I will stick to my favorites of the bitches to talk about.
The Dumb Bitch
The Sneaky Bitch
The Mean Bitch
And my favorite, The Hardcore Bitch.


For starters you have to understand that bitch crossover, also known as bitch-fusion, occurs quite frequently.  Take for example the Dumb Bitch.  She is likely, to at times in her silly life, THINK that she is being a sneaky bitch when in reality she is just upping her ante on the dumb scale...and at times coming off as a Mean Bitch.  So bare with me, understanding bitches can be...well, a real bitch.

The Dumb Bitch
The dumb bitch is the most annoying of the bitches.  Also known as The Dizzy Bitch, she has her head so far up her ass she rarely knows which way she is pointing and sees the world through shit tinted goggles.  Shit tinted goggles give one a skewed view on things, like what is going on around them and their importance in, uhm...well the entire universe.  A Dumb Bitch usually has an over inflated ego, talks too loud, talks too much shit, and generally looks...you guessed it...dumb.

A Dumb Bitch will also misread a situation.  Dumb Bitches frequently believe that they are wanted in places and situations where they are not.  They tend to push their asses, be they boney or fat, into places where they do not fit and end up coming off in the most gagtastic way you could ever imagine.  Think of a girl who's somewhat attractive...acting like a beast...yeah suddenly, she looks more like this to the people around her:

or better yet, like this:

The Dumb Bitch acts like an idiot, thinks its cute, and simply does not see that there's nothing cute about being a dumb bitch.  As for the internet...the dumb bitch is the girl who posts the pic of her kissing her middle finger sticking up.  Klassy with a capital K.  They're hopeless.

The Sneaky Bitch
The evilest of the bitches because she is a bitch simply for the purpose of doing bad things, The Sneaky Bitch is the one to stay away from.  Sneaky bitches, are by definition, sneaky.  Crazy like a fox, these broads have a way of using the power of the bitch to do things to and for people that always ends up as trouble for someone involved.  Sneaky Bitches are best known for activities including but not limited to breaking laws, sleeping with married men, getting promotions at work that they don't deserve (at least not because of their "work performance", and under-handing their friends when it comes to anything that they want.

Sneaky Bitches have NO MORALS.  None.  I repeat...NONE.  Watch your back, ass and other orifices around them!  They will walk on your face and not even check to make sure their shoes aren't dirty or their heels aren't too sharp!  The Sneaky Bitch downfall is that there is always another bitch out there sneakier than they are, and they LOVE one upping each other.  Putting 2 of them in a room together is like watching Betta fish tear each other apart.  Interesting from a biological standpoint but scary and definitely not something you want to be too close to or stare at for too long, kinda like the sun.
Sneaky Bitches often make mistakes that bring them down to the level of Dumb Bitch...so if you find yourself tangled in a web with one of them, just try to hold your ground and wait it out...enough rope, they always hang themselves.

The Mean Bitch
The Mean Bitch is exactly what she sounds like.  She's mean.  Why is she mean?  Usually because she's miserable.  Wait...what?  But you said mean not miserable!!  But the 2 go hand in hand.  Think about the mean people you've known in your life...99% of the time, their life sucks.  Cheerleaders are mean in high school to unpopular bland girls because they have a false sense of self esteem.  Skinny girls are mean to fat girls because they fear that they might gain a pound or 2.  Fat girls are mean to skinny girls because they're jealous.  Most Mean Bitches are mean because of jealousy.  If a Mean Bitch has a pseudo happy relationship built on tolerating each other...and along comes Romeo and Juliet in the middle of a hurricane they're struggling to ride out, the Mean Bitch will jump on that horse and ride it like she stole it.

Mean Bitches love to stir up drama and say and do things specifically to hurt others.  Careful because Mean Bitches will lie just to cause pain to someone, but rarely do they think of the reprocussions of their lies.  The simple fact is, Mean Bitches don't care what the reprocussions are.  If they did, they wouldn't be mean!  Leap first, then look, that's how they live.  You can't let Mean Bitches get to you.  Remember, jealousy has an ugly head and when it rears it...it can cause a shit storm but when the dust settles, they're simply not worth the time or trouble of giving them a second thought.  In the end, the only friends Mean Bitches get to keep are those too weak to stand up to them and their mean ways, or those even more miserable than they are.

The Hardcore Bitch
She is the bitches  bitch.  The bitch that all other  bitches want to be but secretly hate.
The Hardcore Bitch doesn't give a fuck about you, your sister, your mother or father, your dog, what color you shit this morning, or how much oxygen it takes for you to maintain your pathetic existence.  The Hardcore Bitch has a very small core of people that she cares about.  She will defend them to the death and tangling with her is a bad idea because she has the ability to be all the other bitches combined but is usually of a high enough IQ and great enough street smarts to outwit others without causing herself much flack.

The Hardcore Bitch says fuck, a lot.  She flips people off.  She will look someone in the eye and say, "I don't care", tell someone off that she doesn't know, and has likely been to jail more than once.  The Hardcore Bitch is a rare breed of 'Don't give a fuck' mixed with 'Smarter than shit'.  They kick ass and leave piles of dust in their wake...but never take names because the names aren't important.  They burn bridges, don't give second chances, and never back down from a fight if they know they're right.

So next time you call someone a bitch, think about it.  There are a lot of kinds of bitches they could be, and calling them one, just may or may not be an insult!

5 comments:

Annie said...

Bitchin! :)

Drug addicts daughter said...

I seriously enjoyed reading this. Made me laugh extra hard. :)

tab said...

lmfao!!! loved it! Great job!!

Anonymous said...

You said it best...bitches like you!!!

21st Century D.G. said...

I totally forgot about CRAZY BITCHES! *headdesk* will have to write another post!