Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Lamaze Classes Doomed Me

In through the nose, out through the mouth does not apply to all situations.  *gigglesnort*  And No.  I'm not being a freak...hear me out.

When I was 5 or so my docs told my mom my allergies are bad enough they could cause asthma.  Ok. Whooptie doo.  Never had a problem with it in my life...until after my Katrina experience.  For 3 years I was the asthma queen, constantly puffin my inhaler like the little brother from The Goonies.  Since starting allergy shots last winter, my allergies have been pretty much non existent.

A week ago, both my Moose man and I came down with ear infections.  Him before me thankfully...I hate when I make him sick, kicks the mommy guilt in me.  I've had a cough.  OOOOOOOOOOOH!  Hold me back!  A cough!  No big thing.  I hit my inhaler the other day because I felt like I was having a little asthma attack and done is done.  Or not.

Last night I had a meeting and then plans to meet for dinner with my husband so we could "talk" about shit that's going on and where things are headed.  Between my meeting and dinner I had just enough time to run a few towns away to deliver a cd to some clients.  As I was wrapping up my meeting I realized my arms felt a little tingly.  That's usually a sign of an asthma attack coming on.  No big thing, I knew my inhaler was in my diaper bag at my parent's house a few miles away, figured I'll bust ass over to drop the CD, get back to mom and dad's, grab my inhaler and get to dinner...and who knows, depending on how dinner goes, maybe a little fun after.  *wink wink nudge nudge*


By the time I made 15 minutes in the car, my asthma attack, which normally isnt a big deal...had me driving with my arms over my head to try to open up my chest cavity (yeah, like that's safe), legs arms and even my jaw buzzing because oxygen wasn't circulating well enough and starting to feel a black out coming on...a feeling I only know from a wicked cool blood donation experience which resulted in my opening my eyes being held by a total hottie.
While my client loves me, I doubted she wanted me passing out in her family room so having learned some things working recently with the fire dept, I drove another 2 blocks and walked into the local fire station asking for help.  I knew not to breath fast, but I tried the long in the through nose, out through the mouth shit they taught us in our birthing class which, for the record...we ditched the last 2 days of cuz I didnt plan on a c-section...of course, I had one.  Well the in through the nose, out through the mouth thing...yeah it just made it worse.

They call for a few guys to come in and wouldn't ya know, one of them TOTALLY took my mind off my asthma.  Sweet baby Jane this guy was smokin, built, and had no ring on (and no tan line from a ring...I'm a photographer and looking at being back on the market...I notice these things).  I considered asking him if he thought mouth to mouth would help...BUT damn my conscience and the fact that I refuse to b ethat girl who starts playin the field before my divorce is over.  At the end of the day, I still deep down love my husband too much to disrespect him that way.

They hooked me up to the pulse-ox monitor, took my BP etc etc and after some discussion, convinced me to let them take me to the ER.  Awesome.  Just what I had planned for my Tuesday night.  I giggled as I realized I had made it to 32 years old with countless car accidents, injuries and illnesses and had never gotten to ride in an ambulance before.  It was kinda fun.  The lady in the ambulance was super sweet and because of the way my lungs sounded, the started me on a double nebulizer treatment right away.  THIS resulted in my heart rate shooting up and me wanting to get out of the ambulance, strip off my shirt and run along behind them barking.  Albuterol jacks me up.

I suppose its EMT humor, but the 3rd time the geeky kid driving the ambulance said "heh, we haven't dropped one yet", I stopped snickering at it.  Thank God I wasn't the 1st.  Into the ER, gotta love no waiting room...hooked up to everything and sure as shit even after the neb treatment my o2 levels were down.  YAY.  Bring on another albuterol treatment.  Remember this scene from Biodome?

I FEEL LIKE A DUCKBILLED PLATYPUS!  As I sat in the room alone, with a long tube sticking out of my face and smoke coming out the end, that wasn't my EXACT thought, but more along the lines of feeling like this guy:

I finally got to texting and filled in my mom and dad, called the hubs and he came to meet me at the ER.  I do appreciate him keeping me company.  Have to admit, most of the time he was there was fun.

A loading dose of prednisone, another double nebulizer treatment, a diagnosis of bronchitis on top of my asthma and we were outta there.  Now like that isn't enough, or the fact that the evening reduced itself to a fight in the car...I get to MY car and guess what, my freakin headlights don't work...only the brights.
*insert me cussing 1st, then crying, then cussing, then getting out of my car and kicking my car*

The Hubs offered to help.  Well, uhm, me+prednisone+in a fight=me saying I didnt want his help.  Dumbass.  So he headed off and I said fuck it, I'll drive with my brights on.  I mean, its only...10 miles to my parents house and another 50 miles home.  LMAO.  By the time I hit the last leg of my trip home I was screaming "SWEET JESUS I KNOW MY BRIGHTS ARE ON!" at pretty much every car that drove by.  I really hated the Dbags who would turn theirs on and leave them on.  Really...does that make them feel better????
How I didn't get pulled over, is beyond me.  I secretly prayed that if I did get pulled over, it would be a hot cop.  I mean, if you're gonna get a ticket, might as well make it worth while by having some eye candy.  I made it home just in time to not lose my mind completely...give my boy (who also has bronchitis) his nebulizer treatment and try to salvage my night by catching up on some lame TV.

Today has been a rock n roll day.  Ive rearranged the furniture in 3 rooms of my house, scrubbed my kitchen cabinets, my hard wood floors, my woodwork and all my wood furniture, and am TRYING to keep Moose and I on the same albuterol schedule so we're jacked up at the same time.  Could be a long few days.

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