Aunt Becky's Meme...but...Me.

Dear Aunt Becky (uhmmmmmmm if you don't know who she is, get your head out of the can and check out her blog:  http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/);

Thank you for rescuing me from a blog post that was sucking me down the dark hole of "what the fuck am I talking about".  Thank you for the giggles in your 2010 Meme and the challenge...I'm up for it.

So check it y'all.  Unlike Aunt Becky I talk about myself all the time.  Call it narcissism, call it undying love for my own awesomeness, don't care what you call it.  But in honor of the end of a crazy wild ride of a year, I am going to snake Aunt Becky's questions, answer them for myself and pray the Moose stays sleeping until I'm done.  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAND GO!


1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
It really shouldn't be as hard to come up with this answer as it is.  I swear, it wasn't drugs though you'd never know it by the blank look on my face.  
I bought a bottle of vodka for the first time.  I'm so lame.  
Seriously though, I spent my year with my infant/baby son...something that I had never done (spending time with a baby, that is) and had no intention of doing...until my husband knocked me up...fucker.  Literally.  My year was filled with firsts, and overflowing with joy.  So, with that in mind, how about this:  For the 1st time ever, in 2010, I cleaned up baby hork, baby diarrhea, baby turds, baby spit up, and was peed on more times than most porn stars are in a golden shower special.  


2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
It's a silly assumption to make, that I would even remember what my resolution was last year.  I'm fairly certain it was to shed a small child in weight, and if that was it, fuck no...I failed.  Not only did I fail, I failed miserably.  I bought P90X and did it a whole...12 times maybe.  I have been on and off the diet wagon more times than I can count.  
I will make a handful for this next year, starting with my annual January 1st through January 4th diet...

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No one that is within arm's reach at this moment.  Although I might be able to pass for pregnant if I puff my  belly out real hard...let me try...

Yup.  That was gross!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Shit.  If I say no, and I've forgotten someone dying, I'm the worlds biggest asshole.  

5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?

Quiet.  

6. What countries did you visit?

Countries?  Pfffft!  Shit, I was lucky if I got out of Dekalb County!

7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

August 25th.  I've been called Mama for a long time..but hearing my flesh and blood baby boy say "Mama" for the 1st time...magic.

Oh and today, which if my husband doesn't get his ass home soon, will be the day I go to prison for killing him.  Happy New Years Eve!

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Well, I quadrupled my work load for my business this year.  That was cool...and time consuming...but fruitful!  

Although I had to push off the release date, I finished my 1st novel...oh and the new release date is scheduled for 3 months from now...I'll give you more details soon.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I fail at nothing.  Shit, ok...diet=fail.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I'm a walking disaster when it comes to injury.  Me+walking=broken/torn/pulled something at pretty much any given time.  Though I have handled the reintegration of 4" stilettos into my wardrobe surprisingly well!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Well aren't we superficial!  I almost bought 3 new houses this year...then one had a fucking river under it, one had wall failure and flooding problems...and one had a douchetastic bank representing it who was sure that it was worth more than it was...so I avoided that expenditure.  

I bought new jeans a few weeks ago, 2 sizes smaller than the last pair...that totally counts!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My husband.  His self control keeps me grounded.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Depressed...no one.  Depression is for the weak.  It's anger without enthusiasm and I scoff at it.  

Appalled...do you really need to ask?  Crazy is as Crazy does.  

14. Where did most of your money go?

Who knows.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

In case you're new...my boy.  And every stupid little thing he did right down to farting.  

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?

I have to choose one?  Screw you!  I don't like your rules!

Josh Thompson "Way Out Here"...if you don't live it, you wouldn't get it but it's a sense of pride that I'm thrilled to be instilling in my children.  "I want a pet piggy!"  Yup.  Love it.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?  Probably happier because Moose is sleeping better at night...sleep makes me happy!  Oh yeah and I'm not a fucking cow anymore...no pump, no millking, no moo no mo.

ii. thinner or fatter?  Thinner but not enough to please me

iii. richer or poorer?  Richer on so many levels

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Sleeping.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Flipping people the bird...I think I've developed some sort of finger carpul tunnel...

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Uhm, next year?

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

I’ll make up my own question because I like to hear myself talk.

Why are you so damn sexy?

Because I'm German

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?

I thought we were talking about 2010...

23. How many one-night stands?

One Million.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Sons of Anarchy because I said so

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yup.  Fuckin loan guy.  You're a worthless piece of shit.  

26. What was the best book you read?

The most productive book I read this year was The Linked Photographer

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Discovery would imply that some music artist out there actually came up with something new.  That'd be the day.

28. What did you want and get?

An uncountable number of small cheapy notebooks.  I'm  obsessed with little notebooks.  And office supplies.  Saweet!

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Film?  Let's be honest...film is a dying thing.  How about movie?  

I don’t remember.

I’m going to make up a new question:

Where are your pants?

I have no idea. Pants are bullshit.  I <3 you Becky!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 31 and I spent my bday hanging out with my family.  

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I have been advised by my attorney never to say that out loud again...

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?

Fashion?  Please.  Jeans and wife beaters are a fashion concept right?

34. What kept you sane?

Writing.  Writing.  Oh, and the firing range.  Mmmmmmmm ammo!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

I <3 Sarah Palin.  She's a crazy biatch.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Sea Lamprey issue.  Terrible.  Really.

37. Who did you miss?

My Grandma.  All the time.  She was my gossip buddy :(

38. Who was the best new person you met?

My Flinky!  (& Nic hoe!)

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:

Can't fix stupid...not even with duct tape.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

How about one that sums up my philosophy:

Our houses are protected by the Good Lord and a Gun and you might meet em both if you show up here not welcome, son.

Stalkers and Psychos

There's been so much talk lately about stalkers.
You know me.  I gotta put my 2 cents in.

Chances are if you know me or have read my blog long you know exaaaaaaaaactly how I feel about stalking.  Yeah, that'd be why my blog was down for so long.  AKA, I think it's douchetastic and just a teensy beyond creepy.

Lets start by being technical:

The National Center for Victims of Crime states:

While legal definitions of stalking vary from one jurisdiction to another, a good working definition of stalking is a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

Stalking is serious, often violent, and can escalate over time.

Check the statistics:
3.4 million people over the age of 18 are stalked in the US every year
3 out of 4 victims are stalked by someone they know
30% are stalked by a current or former intimate partner (sometimes via 3rd party-aka, a psycho stalks their ex's new girlfriend as a way to stalk the ex)
Only 10% of victims are stalked by strangers
Persons age 18-24 have the highest rate of stalking
11% of stalking victims have been stalked for 5 years or more (yeah, I'm getting close to being part of that statistic)
46% of stalking victims experience at least one unwanted contact per week (thank God for orders of protection...look into them people!)
1 in 4 victims report being stalked through technology such as the internet/email/instant messaging/social media sites
2 out of 3 stalkers pursue their victims at least once a week, many daily, and usually via more than one method
78% of stalkers use more than one approach
In 1 out of 5 cases, weapons are used to threaten or harm victims
Almost 1/3 of stalkers have been stalked themselves (yea, that doesn't justify it, whackos!)
Intimate partner stalkers approach their victims frequently and their behavior escalates quickly
(http://www.ncvc.org/src/main.aspx?dbID=DB_statistics195)

Stalking is a crime in all 50 states and all US territories.  End of story.

So what sparked the sudden post about stalking?  Well, to be quite honest, there are WAY too many people that I know dealing with this sort of thing right now and it's crossed well into the concerning category, so I figured a little educating on stalking and a little poking fun at how freakishly crazy you have to be do it might serve to both lighten the mood and help keep people safe.

I belong to a plethora of online sites though, admittedly, I just killed my Myspace account today.  No point to having an account I never log into.  I have a list of other sites who's accounts will soon be going the way of the dodo bird as well.  Love em and leave em was not what I had in mind when I set up accounts on most sites but as my own personal romp with a stalkerific stalker progressed and more and more sites of mine were somehow being dragged out of the dark cobwebby corners of the internet, one by one I stopped using places like Myspace, Cafemom, and even my beloved Bump.com.  I'm a big advocate of never letting anyone silence you, but sometimes you have to ehhhhh not necessarily bite your tongue but definitely disguise your tongue to keep those you love safe.  With stalkers, yup...that's frequently the case.

Stalking in my case was well...lets just say that people with too much time on their hands will find ways to find things out about you if you're the center of their obsession.  In my case, I'm pretty sure that if I sneezed...my stalker knew about it.  Probably still does, but the Stalkess keeps to herself a bit more than previously.

One of my friends recently found out that she's being stalked online...get this...by her daycare provider!  Hmmm...where to start.  #1-Eww to like the 12th power.  #2-she's being paid to watch people's kids...but is spending her time tracking shit down line...shame shame shame!  #3-PEOPLE, STOP BEING SO PSYCHO!

A note to stalkers:  It's not socially acceptable no matter what you try to tell yourself!  What a person does is their business, if they choose to make it public, like the stuff I blog about, then fine, read it.  If someone has an anonymous account on a website that prides itself on keeping it's members info closed, and you stalk them out by some photo or screen name...REEE REEE REEE (yeah that was the sound from the shower scene of Psycho) you've got some serious shit to deal with.

I can't imagine the horror that my friend had to have had inside when her babysitter confronted her about having said something online regarding her babysitting arrangement.  My little man doesn't go to daycare, he doesn't spend time being babysat by anyone I don't know very very well...I mean grandparents, aunts, uncles, that's it...I would trust a couple of my closest friends  but haven't needed to call them in for sitting just yet.  The idea of leaving my kid with someone I barely know, well, fuck that.  But then to have something like that happen would give me the heeby jeebies every time I thought about what my child had been doing during the sitters online fun time...and to put it lightly-it'd be time for a new daycare provider.

 

Auld Lang Syne

Someone smack me!  There is no way another whole year is gone!!!

I've always thought that time moves quickly but this past year seems to have passed by in a blink.  I have being sappy but it's hard not to be when I sit quietly in my grandmother's glider in my dining room and rock my not-so-baby boy and listen to my girls giggle and joke upstairs.  The places we have been and the things we have been through in the short time we have been together...it's enough to make you stop and thank God for his blessings.

Every day my family grows stronger, closer, and happier.  Trials and tribulations...PFFFT!  Baby, drama and stupidity are a cake walk...crazies and unstable people can be dealt with...nothing rattles this cage.

In 7 short days I will be celebrating the day that my husband walked back into my life...get this...5 years ago!  FIVE YEARS AGO!  I can't even describe how fast those 5 years have gone!  2006, you rocked my world in some serious and intense ways by bringing my baby back around.  2007, you rocked my world by making me an insta-mom and tying the knot between me and the hubs.  2008, you were hardcore...full of major dramatic and life changing events, loss of loved ones but also commitments made as a family.  2009, shit...where do I start with you?  A vacation that opened little eyes to more than just the world closest to them, a baby...A BABY!  A BAAAAAAAABY!  Yeah, I said I never wanted kids.  Can't imagine my life without them now!  And then there's you dear Twenty-Ten...you were a year of firsts over and over.  In with the cries of a sweet little one just after the stroke of midnight, and wrapping up today with nothing but laughter and joy in this home.

So bring on 2011!  I'm locked and loaded and ready for whatever comes my way.
Sap over.  :)  Happy and Safe New Year to you all!

XOXO
~21st CDG

Wordless Wednesdays

Walkin' in a ...

Grandpa Feet & Other Ways to Kill Your Sex Drive

The holidays really bring out the fun, the love, the ugly, the alcoholism, the fake smiles, the laughter, the joy, the peace, the re-gifting spirit, the Santa in people, the time with loved ones, the time with ones you love to hate, the secret 'yessssssssss' when you open a great gift, the secret 'ack! wtf?' when you open the not so great gift, the gasp of children at the site of their mountains of goodies, the cha-ching of your cash flowing out of your pocket, the wonder, the amazement, the generosity, the stinginess, the :headdesk: moments, and of course in my case...the snarky sarcastic cynic who wants to throat punch people for being stupid especially at Christmas...reserve your stupidity for other times of the year please!

I behaved...for the most part.

I suppose it warrants mentioning that as always I am touched by the generous nature of the majority of my family & my husband's family.  My sister, who just recently moved and who is trying to get back on her feet, went out of her way with the gifts for the kids, a cool gift for my husband and a kick ass cookbook of 600 spicy recipes for me!  YAY SPICY!  My sister in law got us a gift card for our new favorite restaurant!  Mmmmmm...dead cow!  My mother in law, Liz, got me some really nice and very high quality backdrops for my photo business which I am THRILLED with and can't wait to use; and my parents got me enlargement frames for some of my photos to hang in the new house (something I swore I was going to do here, but after 4 1/2 years, never got around to).  Those are just a few of my favorites.  OH and the Moose slippers my mom and dad got for my little Moose:

But like the movie says, there are the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Bad...the aunt on my husband's side who bought a Santa head shaped purse...yes I said PURSE for our 1 year old SON.  Yes, I'm specifically pointing out that it was not MY family who purchased this because well...yeah...we're not that 'my son plays with baby dolls' kinda family.

Bad...the 'make your own lotion/spa' kit that my sister got for one of my munchkins.  Yes, it's uber cool...and YES it's going to be a stinky mess just like the make your own perfume set they got last year.  Gag-tastic!  I swear my house smelled like a French whore house, or that ex who bathes in vanilla perfume to drown out the smell of booze (yeah...it doesn't work!).  *SIGH*  The fun part of motherhood!  The messes!  It's cool, I'm sure it will be a fun time.

Then there's the ugly.  Ooooooooooooooh the ugly!

I'm sure they're comfortable.
I'm sure they're warm.
I'm sure they beat the hell out of wet socks if you step in the melted snow from the dog or kids coming in the house...but bottom line:  If  I glance over to look my husband up and down all checkin' him out like...and when I get to that down point, his tasseled old man slippers suddenly make me picture my father in law...well, lets just say my hubs will be puts'in the lotion on his skin...if ya know what I mean.

Why my husband is going to go blind.

Sweet baby Jesus in a manger, quite literally this time of year!  I'm in my 30's, EARLY 30's at that...I'm not interested in walkers, Depends, or shuffle board...yet!  I didn't marry a CPA, I married a dirty scuzzy truck driver who wears steel toe'd work boots, ripped jeans with paint on them, and bandanas.  If I wanted to spend my evenings sipping martinis while my husband smokes a pipe and looks down over his spectacles at our children quietly playing word games on the floor...trust me, I could have married one.

I prefer my house a nice blend of tattooed country folk and working class with just a teeeeeeeeeeeeeny tiny splash of trash in there and a big side helping of pirates without ships but who say "arrrrrrrgh" way too frequently for us appear even remotely sane.  For dessert I like to serve up a little cuss way too often and don't give a shit what anyone thinks of me, with a nice big glass of I will kick your ass if you get out of line.  Does that sound like tassels to you?  I think not.  Thank the good Lord above that there were no penny loafers hiding amongst the gifts with my name on them!

Our evenings are less like a scene from Masterpiece Theater and more like a scene from My Name Is Earl.  It's loud, it's obnoxious, it's often filled with screams of violence as we kick eachother's butts while playing Raw Vs Smackdown on Wii, or screams of horror and giggles of delight while playing Cabella's Dangerous Hunts again...on the Wii.  Our kids poke dead bunnies in the eye with sticks, burp like truckers (but always say excuse me), and will not only defend themselves on or off the playground, but also know how to.  It ain't Casa del Cleaver's.

Sadly, my husband loves his comfy new slippers.  Yup.

Additionally, I HATE wrapping gifts.  Hate it.  Hate it like I hate well...things I hate.  Thankfully this year was the sad year that one of the kids found out the dirty little secret behind the Santa cover up.  I had myself an elf!  Joyfully and with great excitement she helped me wrap, plan, and purchase presents from the big guy in red and stocking stuffers from the shorty crew.  Ah the joys of having holiday minions!  They probably weren't the prettiest wrapping job ever but they were good enough for the little man to get so excited about that he literally climbed his pile of gifts!

The Mashed Potato Cook Off ... yeah I won that (tied with my father in law and his awesome tasseled slippers).  I'll share the recipe with y'all later this week, if I'm feeling generous.  But face it, the holidays are over, the niceties are gone, the tree is getting dry, the cookies were all eaten up by the f'ing dog who then in the middle of the night last night got a giant case of "squirt poops" as my oldest would say, and proceeded to trail liquid shit around the kitchen of our house in a desperate yet failed attempted to wake us so someone would open her dog door for her.  Yeah.  I stepped in it at 5am this morning when carrying a fussing baby to the kitchen to make him a bottle!  Awesome.  Not sure if it's better or worse that it was cold by then.  SQUISH through the toes.  Ewwwwwwwwww.  Stupid German shit head.

And last but not least I scuffaw at the little things, the "bribe" as one put it, and the 'not recommended for use in dish washer' which translates to 'not recommended for use in this fucking house because I'm not washing it by hand, biatch!'  My spoiled spoiled spoiled family, who drive me batty sometimes, make me want to cry tears of joy other times, and whose gifts took up 1/4 of a 15'x15' room this year...made out like bandits (don't tell anyone but I was pretty spoiled too!).

The gift stack PRE-Santa's visit and not including gifts from Grandparents etc!

I wouldn't have it any other way.  Well maybe the slippers...but the family...nah.  I can't fathom a day, much less a holiday, without the laughter of my kids, the snark in training of my mini-mes, the smiles and babbles
of my perfect little man, and the innuendos and Irish accent of my husband.  Chaotic Christmas and all, I wouldn't change a thing :)

What I Really Want For Christmas...

...right this second is a bottle of Advil bigger than me.  Frick this headache that I've had for 2 days.  Stupid sinus infections!  I have decided that my new goal in life is to figure out a way to hook some sort of mass batch of liquid antibiotics into my whole house humidifier and run a steady stream of meds to my entire family via our HVAC system all winter long.  I am SO SICK of people being sick.  I swear my house is like...well like this:

The constant passing around of streppalastaphicasnotilous I dont even frickin know what, has GOT to stop. 

I'm pretty sure one of the 6 of us has been sick at all times since mid October...maybe even earlier.  I'm on my 2nd round of antibiotics for the 2nd time in a row and lucky lucky me, going in for blood work today to make sure I'm not relapsing into my Hurricane Katrina Disease of Doom that I was soooooooooooo sure I had officially kicked about 2 years ago.  

So, wahhhhh wahhhhh that's why I haven't blogged in a few days.  I've been licking my wounds and laying around with my baby boy and 2 older kids who are all sporting mini  hand sanitizer sprays, boxes of kleenex and an assortment of antibiotics.  My husband has larengitis which has only made his sexy voice sexier...that's the only up side to this entire batch of grub we have going.  That's not much of an up side.  As I type, my little guy who's sleeping soundly on his home made med in our kitchen where I am running 2 boiling pots of water trying to unstuff his concrete nose...is now coughing.  Awesome.  Good thing I didn't box up the nebulizer for the move yet!

What I REALLY want for Christmas is for my family to all be healthy...and STAY healthy.  Highly unlikely.  I swear, home schooling looks better and better all the time.  Less petri dish=healthier kids=happier family.  

I'm always amazed at the lack of concern people have for one another's health.  Hi...lady at the store...DON'T FUCKING COUGH ON ME.  End of story.  Sweet Jesus is it that hard to cover your mouth?  Or even turn your head?  And forget about kids.  I have worked so hard to teach my little ones to blow their noses not wipe them on their clothes, to cough into their elbows (which...just fyi...I still think is stupid), to keep a space bubble between them and the next person if they aren't feeling well...why can't other people do that?  I'm going to pimp slap the next fucker who spews any sort of bodily mist in my direction or the direction of my small sassy people...or the next fucker who's kid wipes snot on their hand and then reaches for my baby in the shopping cart!
Can you see me in slow motion screaming 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' as some grubby kid gets to close to my boy?  I'm sure postal would be an appropriate description of what would come next.

So as I start my 2nd round of one of the strongest antibiotics they make in pill form...and cross my fingers that it doesn't kill the good bacteria in my body and cause a major case of crotch rot...eww...TMI...I am reminded of that awesome time of year when we cram into stores to buy crap no one wants and infect eachother with our grossness.  Yup.  I'm a humbug today.  I'm good with it.  Now, if you don't mind...my kleenex box, saline, and vapor rub and I are going to go force ourselves to wrap presents.  Tons.  And Tons.   Of Presents.  For my spoiled shites.  :)  Merry Christmas to all!

Killer Sex!!!

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/sns-ap-wi--phone-sex-strangulation,0,1367540.story?obref=obinsite