Oh my Graco!

That's going to be my new cuss word!
Do you guys remember back in May when I posted about almost killing myself with ammonia fumes during a pack n play cleaning accident?
http://www.21stcenturydomesticgoddess.com/2010/05/mothers-and-mayhem.html

Let me jog your memory extremely briefly:

I own this pack n play:

Nothing fancy, not the one I wanted, but when you're on bed rest and someone else is doing your last minute shopping for you...beggars can't be choosers.  Well...they can be but they will likely get no help if they are.  It has worked just fine for us.

So...we own that pack n play.
Moose had/has reflux.
Moose barfs at night.
Barf gets on side of pack n play and ends up on mattress waaaaay down at bottom where I don't see it at the time.
I try to clean it off the next day, use Clorox Cleanup.
Almost pass out, have to evacuate house, mattress goes in garbage.
Barf + bleach = same as urine + bleach = deadly poison fumes.

When this all happened, I ordered a new pack n play mattress from Graco.  It was only $19 so I was stoked...until weeks later, it still wasn't here.  The website had originally said it would take 4-6 weeks.  When I went to check on my order, the order was no longer in their system and the pack n play mattress showed as  "back ordered".

So I call the Almighty Master of Recalls and they tell me that #1 it's back ordered indefinitely and that #2 they don't show any order for me in their system at all.

Yeah.  Headdesk.

Indefinitely doesn't work for me.  Losing my order really doesn't work for me.  I tell the chick to make sure it's cancelled, she reassures me that there is NO order to cancel...end of story.  Or so I thought.

Fast forward to a few months ago when I was ready to start using it again.  In the true hillbilly ingenuity that my husband and I are so famous for 'round these here parts...we fabricate a new mattress (well floorboard really since we only use it to wrangle him when vacuuming etc) using plywood, quilting foam, and a staple gun.  Not rocket science...really.  It works BEAUTIFULLY...the only real down side is that we can't fold it up the way the mattress intended for it folds...which means it's less portable...but we don't take it with us anywhere anyway, so who cares.

In all honesty, I do kinda wish it were easier to take apart and move, but it gets moved very rarely so it's not a big deal.

Fast forward to today...I'm starting to think that maybe it's the old ass hand pounded glass on my door that resembles the swat team more so than the Orkin man's knock, because the Fedex guy sounded like he was coming through the wall.  Of course, this WOULD happen when Moose is sleeping, and this WOULD set the dog off into a face eating frenzy which WOULD wake the baby...sending me into a face eating frenzy.

I ran out to see what fun thing we were getting because I know I haven't ordered anything lately, and low and behold, the side of the box says G R A C O in big green letters.  SON OF A SEA COOK!
My initial reaction was to run to the computer and check the bank account which I no longer use and keep a minimal amount of money in, and sure as shit, they ran the purchase through yesterday which overdrew the account...PLUS the mattress replacement is now $10 more than it was when I 1st called.  Totally asstastic!

After a brief call to the bank for their protocol, I decided that maybe it would be nice to have the actual mattress.  It took them FOREVER to get it to me, but now that it's here, I probably would use it.
So I open the box.  Color me shocked when the company who didn't show my order at all, sends me a mattress that doesn't match!

Old-green...new-brown

So I call Graco and get the most awesome customer service rep I have ever dealt with in my life.  Seriously, no sarcasm at all.  I explained my ludicrous story, to which she didn't bat an eye, thus further confirming my previous belief that they don't have their shit together over there, to her and she got right on it.  She told me she had to call me back but in the mean time, if I wanted to return it I would have to pay shipping.  So let me get this straight...

I order a replacement.
I wait the full term of the item's estimated shipping and then some.
I receive no contact from your company, so I call you.
I find out the item is now on back order...even though it wasn't when I ordered it.
I say I don't want it anymore to which I am told my order doesn't exist anyway.
I forget about it.
You miraculously find my order, ship it, charge me, and send me no notice of any of this.
I get said item on my doorstep and find out that my account has been over-drafted by an order I thought didn't exist; turning this $20 replacement into a $50 replacement.
I consider keeping it, only to find out it doesn't match.
You're going to make ME pay to return it?!?

Again I say, OH MY GRACO!

To be fair, I like the new design and color scheme better.  And it will likely be covered with a sheet most of the time.  I just think it's so pathetic when a company refuses to accept responsibility for it's incompetence.  I probably should have gotten some sort of confirmation that there was no order, though I don't know how I would have done that...
The lack of professionalism that Graco has shown me; between the constant recalls, this whole situation, and even little things like the fact that they sent NO return/exchange info with the mattress and the packing slip was  a torn off piece of paper (lazy lazy and not at all what I expect from a big company), has led me to the decision that I will not be purchasing from them in the future.  Ya get what you pay for, and I guess being on the lower end of the car seat/pack n play/gear range, I should have expected this.

After much deliberation, I have decided to keep the mattress.  After paying for shipping for the return, I will only salvage $15 of the overdraft charge.  It will, in the long run, pay for itself with the easy of moving the unit in the future and I can use the plywood from the home made board for another project I'm working on which will probably save me...about $15 in plywood.

I'm not anti corporate America.  I grew up as a child of corporate America, father of a CEO with a major company.  I don't hate Walmart.  I won't pay extra for something just to buy local (except rabbits).  But disappointed with this company...that, I absolutely am.  As of now, the term "Graco" is synonymous in my head with the term "Fuckass".

Bad Business

If you live in the vicinity of High's on Rt.40 & Rt. 279 in Elkton, MD ... do NOT give them your business.
The manager feels it's ok to cuss people out in front of their children for NO reason and is a completely rude prick.  


This is your public service announcement for the day.  Post coming later.

Jibberish, Dribdrab and Dady Duck

HOLY MOLY!  It's been a few days.  Crazy busy here, doc apts...a million calls to the mortgage people for the new casa...cleaning, boxing, the usual.

There was some sort of conversation, if you will, going on  in my kitchen this morning...although I didn't catch a single word of it.   And somehow I doubt anyone else did either.
The wonderful world of made up languages was filling the air during breakfast.

This all started years ago but subsided once the novelty wore off.  It has had a recent comeback which I suspect had something to do with an episode last week where a kid (not one of my kids, just FYI) came out of school in the afternoon and was heard saying that he saw his sister and her boyfriend "gettin it on".  A kid.  A 5 year old kid!  Of course, the second we were in the car and the doors were shut what do you think happened?
"Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahma, what does 'getting it on' mean?"

FRICK!!

I played the good parent game and threw out different ideas that technically could be what it means but ya know, were not what that kid had meant.
*You know, get it on, like get your coat and shoes on.
*There are lots of things you can get on.
*Who knows how to spell the world "Get"???
And the last resort,
*That kid has no idea what he's talking about.  Don't listen to him.

Mother F the public school system because that whole slew of mommy stupidity was followed by,
"No, get it on means..."
Watch the God like power I wield as I cut a kid off mid sentence and blurt out, "STOP saying 'get it on', it's not appropriate and it doesn't matter what it means, it's off limits...got it?"

It wasn't even an hour into our evening when I heard

That whole episode that took place in under 2 minutes, got me thinking about terms that parents and kids use so that the other is not privy to what they're talking about.

This year's #1 X-mas gift choice...or NOT!

OH my shit you guys!
While looking for the perfect Christmas gifts online (which includes some doll that I have only a vague kiddie's description of-no name), I have come across something so amazingly creepy that I had to cease all shopping, put today's original post on hold and blog about it IMMEDIATELY (well...not IMMEDIATELY immediately, but as soon as the Moose went down for his nap).

Anatomically correct-ish "Teach-a-body" dolls.  NO!  I'M NOT KIDDING!  
http://www.amamantafamily.com/

I thought at 1st about including this in my post for today which was about Christmas gift shopping anyway...but them I got actually looking at the page and there are no words to describe what went through my mind.  Of course, you know me...so I will do my best to try to put words to it.  If there are children in the room, now would be a good time to chase them out.
I just want to preface this with the fact that I do have at least one friend who would flip her lid and love these and buy them to teach her child sex education with...and quite frankly, that creeps me the hell out.  I love her none the less...but yeah.  I'm not that mom!  I also have to say that these dolls are often sold to child psychiatrists and forensics experts to help identify criminal sexual assault of children.  I am NOT poking fun at that...I am poking fun at the idea of sitting down after dinner and teaching your kids about sex by making dolls go at it on your family room floor.

Lets just start with the home page where it states:

They are ideal for explaining the human reproductive cycle to boys and girls ages 3 to 10. From conception and birth of babies, breastfeeding, sexual education to demonstrating appropriate versus inappropriate touching.

 I have 4 kids.  They range in age from 11 months to 9 years.  When I got pregnant, and the baby questions started popping up, I avoided them like the plague.  Vague answers like "God decided it was time for us to have a baby..."  "Mommys and daddys have seeds and eggs and they make babies...kind of like planting a garden."
That sort of stuff.  #1 I don't think that this age is the time to explain the birds and the bees.  I have no reason to back that up, I just don't.  I think in large part when that is appropriate is determined on family circumstances, children's maturity level, and other such stuff.  Plus uhm...I myself am not ready to have to try to explain that.  I can not for even a freakin second imagine trying to explain reproduction to a 3 year old!  A 3 YEAR OLD!!!  There is a level of interest that is peaked by explaining reproduction and I don't think that age is the time to start that interest...unless you want grandkids at a young age.

Teaching kids about inappropriate touching is super important, but I have to say I think just the statements "No one should touch your privates except you." will suffice.
The page goes on to state:

These dolls include true anatomical details such as stitched on genitals and breasts. This means that children and parents alike will find the dolls true-to-life and see themselves as naturally complete and OK. 

Stitched on genitals...uhmmmmmmmmm...last time I checked, mine aren't stitched on, which raises the question, what exactly constitutes "anatomically correct"?  Wouldn't a stitched on penis lead you to a whole different type of subject?  I would think that molded dolls, not cloth stitched dolls with silk screened on faces, would be more anatomically correct, but...for the sake of not getting off topic, I will leave that be.

They come in a number of races.

The Hispanic family.  Yeah...I'm offended for you.  There is nothing wrong with showing a Hispanic family dressed in matching celebratory attire, but come on, for a company claiming to be all about teaching kids and helping them avoid confusion...this is just a little much.  Dear company...'round here, my Hispanic friends dress pretty much the same as my white friends and African American friends.

Again...the "cultural" clothing is cool, but perhaps should be reserved for the "accessories" dept.

The corn fed white family.  Funny...I've never seen my husband dressed this way...And no way in hell would I wear that outfit...looks like scrubs!  Is that little girl even wearing pants?

The African American family.  I'm jealous of the mom's shoes...why can't the white mom have cool shoes?

The Asian family.  Now, if we're being PC and selling them in 'multicultural' clothing etc, why is the Asian family wearing the same thing as the African American family.  And what's with the dad's long hair?  Is this a lesbian Asian family or is he just trying to be cool like Brandon Lee

Mmmmmmmmmmm...The Crow

Next we come to the extras.
As if it weren't enough that you can get an anatomically pseudo correct mom and dad:

I'm  not real sure about the rules with blogs and showing dolls with junk...so here's a smiley face for ya :)

(I'm pretty sure Adam & Eve are rolling over in their graves somewhere)

Now you can also get anatomically correct Grandma & Grandpa:

Thank God they're clothed.  I'm not interested in seeing wrinkley old balls!  

There is also, anatomically correct "Stranger Dolls" which can be used to demonstrate strangers, stepparents, teacher etc.  Because ya know...strangers and stepparents are always built different than real parents...anatomically speaking.

Stranger "Jack" has a 70's porn-star mustache.  Awesome!  And stranger "Jill" has no fashion sense what so ever.  In other words, kids; avoid strangers with mustaches and who look like they need the help of Stacy London.

If you're not already weirded out enough by this whole thing...they also offer you anatomically correct newborns...who nurse.  Yes.  Nurse.  With their tiny little button & snap mouths which attach to mom's tiny button & snap nipples.  I fail to see how this is even CLOSE to anatomically correct.  My child was not born with a button mouth!  Perhaps if he had been, that nursing thing would have worked out better for us...hrm...

In case your family values haven't been hit hard enough by the blatant stereotyped 'multicultural' dolls or the odd button faces or the fact that there are naked dolls on my blog today...how about we hook you up with the "pregnant teen doll":

That's right kids!  Now you can act out your favorite episodes of Teen Mom!  Nothing says "It's ok to get knocked up when you're still a kid yourself!" like the gift of a teen-mom baby doll!

Let's not forget the separate "sex education genitalia set" which includes a vagina, a penis, 2 breasts and a uterus.  A what?  A uterus!  Why not?  I mean, hey!  Let's throw in some internal organs!  I get it, I get it!  If you're teaching sex ed, uteruses...uh...uteri...uter...what the hell is the plural of uterus?  They're important.
This collection *not pictured here cuz it's too creepy* can be found at the top of the order page...
http://www.amamantafamily.com/dollsorderpage.htm#White
But somehow, this collection of body parts is just too much for me.  This is like a step away from a pedophile sex toy party if you ask me.  Stuffed sex organs intended for kids to play & learn with?  Yeah...creepo factor of like 3000!

IF YOU ARE UNSURE OF HOW TO USE YOUR DOLLS...THEY HAVE ROLL PLAYING EXERCISES!! 

That was so good I had to type it all in caps!

To get the full effect you really should read the entire "sex education guide" on the website (found here:  http://www.amamantafamily.com/Amamanta_family_manual_guide.htm) but to save time, let me hit on the highlights for you.
Here is one of the roll playing exercises:

Mom and Dad know each other, they fall in love, they love each other so much that they decide to be together to create a family.

The Amamanta doll set can help explain the birth process in an interesting and honest manner.  Below is a sample guide to help discuss the new life process with a youngster. 

  Parent says: "You were created in a very special and wonderful way. Inside mommy’s belly there is an area called the uterus and there are two ovaries that connect to this uterus. Mommy’s ovaries produce ovules and these ovules are like eggs. Daddy’s sperm goes into mommy’s egg and then the egg attaches itself to the side of the uterus. The egg slowly grows for about nine months into a beautiful baby like you."

Child: "What is sperm?"

  Parent: "When mom and dad have sex, they get very close, so close that dad's penis gets into mom's vagina. Then a liquid that dad makes that is called the sperm goes from dad’s penis into mom’s vagina. The sperm reaches the egg and it becomes fertilized, or ready to become a baby. The sperm is a liquid with many, many, tiny spermatozoids and the strongest of these spermatozoids swims faster inside mom's vagina and will reach the egg first… and Abracadabra!… the egg is fertilized."

*raises hand*
Uhm...does that mean...we're supposed to actually use the dolls in the "interactive" way suggested to like...show how that happens?  Like this wasn't weird enough already...now you want the dolls to have sex?  I think my brain just melted.

Once you have shown your children ages 3-9 how dolls have sex...which honestly...blows my mind...and could lead to a whole assortment of questions, like...do dolls talk dirty to eachother?  is mommy doll a screamer?  is there foreplay involved when dolls mate?  just how realistic should this be?  is this a quickie 5 minute lesson or do we have all evening?  what position do dolls do it in? etc, etc.
You can then show them how babies are born.  That's right, through some tricky maneuvering, your mom doll can have it's baby, complete with button mouth so it can nurse on the button nipple.
Thanks for leaving out us c-section moms.  Assholes.
Obviously this mom has only had one child and is young...her rack is quite perky...though those are some wicked circles under her eyes.  She needs to get some sleep!

 The company proudly states that the dolls are
*made out of durable fabric so they will hold up to hours of play.
*made out of natural fibers and flannel synthetics for added softness

Ya know...just in case you want to cuddle your anatomically correct dolls.

The dolls are up to 16" tall and you can even order a book about learning sexuality, "Have fun while teaching your child".
Maybe it's just me.  Maybe it IS a cultural thing...I live in the US where we are less accepting of nude beaches, women who shake their ass and dress like Shakira, and openly talking about sex with young kids.  These are produced in South America.

The company's purpose is:

The mission of Amamanta Family is to help promote the principles of healthy family values across all cultures for a more unified and loving world. The idea is to instill good and healthy principles in kids at an early age.  Amamanta Family helps bring families together through the sheer joy of playing and learning simultaneously.  

Fine.  So you have a good core idea of promoting a more loving world...but I still fail to see how dolls with their junk hanging out will accomplish this.  And I'm sorry, but you lost me on playing and learning simultaneously when you made the dolls anatomically correct and suggested them for kids ages 3-9.

I finally made it through the website and got to the last page and HOLY CRAP...they cost $239.00 for a family set!!!  WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTT?  $239.00 for dolls with junk and vajayjays?!  Shit!  Can't I just rent a copy of Pretty Woman for $1 at the Redbox, pop it in the DVD player...then answer questions after it's over?!?  The cost of educating our children in a fun and interesting way just keeps getting steeper and steeper!

I really wish they were cheaper and I could rack my brain hard enough to figure out someone to buy these for.  I think they would go down in history as one of the greatest gifts I'd ever given anyone.  At least in my 'disturbed mind'.  If ANY of you actually buy a set of these for yourselves or someone you know...well #1 I would keep it to myself if I were you...but #2, you HAVE to email me and tell me if they're as hysterical and creepy in real life as they are on the internet.

And to answer a question that I have already been asked by a friend who I talked to on the phone today...no they're not the only anatomically correct dolls made...they just walked into my sights because well...the website is so in depth and they're the one I stumbled across.  Needless to say this is not the place to buy Looloo oppsy or whatever the hell doll it is I'm on a mission to find.  Mission NOT complete!

Liar Liar,

I would say pants on fire but they're all perfectly folded and put away in their drawers by size, type, color and length.  In that order.  Not really.

OK I lied, I don't have anything super controversial or too mentally disturbed to share today.  It's been a crazy busy week and it's only Tuesday.  I have a new branch spawning off my business and it is exploding quickly so I had to spend some time designing some sites etc to cover basic advertising yaddah yaddah boring business owner crap.

What I HAVE had time to notice in the last few days is that when Mama has lots of work to do, my house goes messy very fast.  This means that my morning today was spent fixing the things that have gone wonky in the house.  Wonky house=gritchy Mama!  Gritchy (for those of you not from Indiana) means, well...replace the 1st 2 letters with a B.  Close enough.  So I fell back into my organize/clean/scrub mode today and now that my hands are pruned, house is shining, and head is pounding from the smell of cleaning chemicals...it's nap time/blog time and PHEW!  Good thing!

Who goes through a 5 gallon jug of bleach in a month?  This girl right here!

Mmmmmmmm Bleach.

I've been on a huge cleaning binge lately since the impending move of doom that I speak of so lovingly, now has a face.  We have a tentative closing date!  *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!*  And I am the queen of boxing right now.  Not boxing like a punch in the face...though given the right opportunity...
Back to bleach.  I'm not even kidding, if I were killing people and destroying DNA evidence I don't think I would be going through as much bleach as I am.  Which leads me back to the *squeeeeeeeeeee* and all things I'm looking forward to about our move.  No more stupid bath tub with a stupid low sloped ceiling and bathing my boy in the kitchen sink out of well...safety for me mostly so I don't bang my head, knock myself out, and end up face down in his 2 inches of bath water. I can just imagine at least one reader fantasizing about that happening to me.

So as I box.  And I bleach.  And I box.  And I plot and plan new paint schemes and the like, I am trying to cut down on the clutter, the unnecessary crap, and remain OFF the list of potential future episodes of Hoarders.  Mommy blogs, yeah...they're great for ideas on cleaning, decluttering, organizing, and well...also avoiding and failing at those things.  And since I'm trying to champion at least one other mommy blogger each week now, guess I'll start with one of my absolute faves!

I got a good giggle at stark.raving.mad.mommy's (GO CHECK HER OUT!) post the other day about Real Simple's article on cleaning out your pantry in 15 minutes.  That is, until this morning.  When I cleaned mine out in less than 15 minutes, with my 11 month old in my arms.  Yikes.  Does that make me OCD?  Not only did I clean it out, box up some unnecessary cooking pans/etc that I NEVER use (though now that they're boxed, I totally expect to need in the next month) and reorganize my pantry, I also set up a bi-weekly shelf in place of where the cooking stuff was.  What is that, you ask?  Well...let me tell you!  (Do I sound excited?  Cuz I am!)

I plan my groceries and meals 2 weeks out. This means I can do all my shopping in one day for 2 weeks worth of food with the exception of the perishables (milk, bread, fresh fruits/veggies).  So what did I do in my brilliant OCD moment today, set up a shelf, and labeled it (yeah...it's that bad) with the days of the week x2.  Then put the nonperishable items on that shelf on the day corresponding to when they will be cooked.  How sweet is that?!?  Now not only will I not have to dig for that jar of olives for tomorrow night's Chicken Caccatore, but my husband will know what not to randomly snack on.

Aaaaaaaaaaaand this is where I hang my head in shame at the sudden realization that my numerous attempts to avoid all things domestic have finally gone awry and I have lost the battle.  I'm excited about a new organizational technique...in my freakin pantry...good gravy!

I tried.  I really did.  I wasn't going to organize, or make lists, or have "cleaning days"...but I found REAL quickly that if I wanted to keep myself sane to any level, with this many people in one house...all of the above are necessary.  My husband makes fun of my lists.  And my list pads.  I have like a million of these things, and I spaz when they go missing because my lists are my sanity.

I have actually resorted to buying them with pink kittens on them so they don't end up in my husband's lunch box to be used at work as scratch paper.  Truck drivers can't have pink kitten paper unless they want to get their asses kicked.  The bad news is, pink kitten note pads are like diamonds or gold to little girls under the age of 10.
The good news, I guess...is that in the process of all this insanity I have created my own form of organized chaos.  It might look  like a train wreck at times but ask me where anything is and I can find it in 2 seconds flat.  Welllllllllllllllllllll, unless it's my keys or cell phone.  I lose those at least 5 times a day.
Want to know where that protective order is?  Right here.  Want to know where my receipts for anything; medical, food, clothes, diapers, you name it, are?  Right there.  Want to know how I remember every f'in thing you pray to God that I have forgotten about and will never come back up again...because I have an amazing filing system and nowwwwwwwwwwwwwww so does my pantry!  WOOHOO!

In all honesty, since starting to do grocery shopping 2 weeks at a time, I have cut down on our weekly groceries by over $100/week.  I have cut down on my time making dinner because I no longer have to sit and think, 'uhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm shit, what am I making for dinner?!'.  I stay flexible with my meal plan but having it all done up front is so nice!  So there ya have it.  My boring, non-controversial, only minorly disturbed post.  OCD is not funny.  Hoarding is not funny.  *Stiffles the urge to laugh*
Welcome to my life.

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya...Tomorrow

you're only a daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Sorry I couldn't provide you with any entertainment today.  I have a new business venture going and it's a sink or swim economy so since I have some instant clients...I uhm...had to get my ass in serious gear!
That being said, I promise to post tomorrow with something equally mentally disturbed to what you have all grown accustomed to.  :)

A tisket a tasket...

What's up bloggy world?!?  HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Thank heavens for last weekend and all the inspiration it gave me for writing.  Today is no exception to that!  I came across some old nursery rhyme books.  Now, we all read them as kids, we all read them to our children now, but how many of us have actually stopped...paid attention to the words...and thought about them?  Cuz I did...and I think part of my brain melted!  Some of these are seriously disturbing!  Ready??  OK!!!

The 3 Little Kittens

Three little kittens, they lost their mittens,

And they began to cry,

Oh, mother dear, we sadly fear

That we have lost our mittens.

What! Lost your mittens, you naughty kittens!

Then you shall have no pie.

Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.

You shall have no pie.

The three little kittens, they found their mittens,

And they began to cry,

Oh, mother dear, see here, see here,

Our mittens we have found.

Put on your mittens, you silly kittens,

And you shall have some pie.

Purr-r, purr-r, purr-r,

Oh, let us have some pie.

The three little kittens, put on their mittens,

And soon ate up the pie;

Oh, mother dear, we greatly fear

That we have soiled our mittens

What! Soiled your mittens, you naughty kittens!

Then they began to sigh,

Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.

They began to sigh.

The three little kittens, they washed their mittens,

And hung them out to dry;

Oh! mother dear, do you not hear

That we have washed our mittens?

What! Washed your mittens, then you’re such good kittens.

But I smell a rat close by

Mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow, mee-ow.

We smell a rat close by.

For starters, Mama cat needs some freakin Prozac!  She's up, she's down, she's back up...my God!  Those poor kittens must be completely confused all the time!
I would like to know, what makes Mama cat think it's ok to not feed her kids just because they misplaced mittens.  I would assume that they have a general idea of where they lost them...school, around the house, at a friend's house...etc.  I don't think refusal to feed them was completely necessary-perhaps start off with trying to locate said mittens.
Then they find them.  GOOD KITTIES!  But they eat with them on.  Stupid kitties!  And mom gets mad and whoops their asses!!!  Wait wait wait!  Where was mom when her children were eating dinner unsupervised with mittens on?!?  Who's to blame here?  Young stupid kittens or a neglectful mom who was probably up in her room on Myspace bashing her ex-Tom or purging while her children were alone?  She's just lucky none of them choked on pie while they were unsupervised!!
Then she makes them wash their own mittens...really?  You make your kids to the laundry themselves too?  Now she's on an up swing again...but after a mouse which means she will likely ignore her kids again while chasing the mouse.  What a horrible display of bad single mother parenting!

It's raining, it's pouring;
The old man is snoring.
Bumped his head
And he went to bed
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

DUDE!  He hit his head!  He can't get up!  Someone call 911!!!  Isn't it obvious the old man has a serious concussion???  My God, does no one care about him?  Where is his family?  His neighbors?  This poor man needs medical attention!  Here is the 2nd verse (according to me):

Flashers and siren

Stop the old man from dyin

Call 911

So his life ain't done

Let's get them Blue Angels up flyin'

Lady Bug Lady Bug

Fly away home

Your house is on fire

Your children all gone

All except one, and that's little Ann

She has crept under the frying pan.

WTF???  That's HORRIBLE!  Hey...bug...your kids all died in a fire while you were...again...out neglecting to care for them.  One of them is trapped under a frying pan.  Good luck getting there in time to save her.  And again, here is verse 2 (me style):

Lady bug lady bug

No smoke alarm?

Has no one taught you

about fire's harm?

Extinguisher, sprinkler something to save

your home and your children and your husband, Dave.

The north wind doth blow, and we shall have snow

and what will poor robin do then, poor thing?

He'll sit in the barn and keep him self warn

and hide his head under his wing, poor thing,

Well apparently Robin was sick on migration day in school.  If he's too stupid for instinct to kick in, it's likely he won't survive the winter and you will find his dehydrated carcass next spring.  Fair warning parents...perhaps you should clean out the barn before allowing the children to go play out there.


This one is my personal favorite!

I always loved the picture:

Little Polly Flinders

Sat among the cinders 

Warming her pretty little toes.

Her mother came and caught her

And whipped her little daughter, 

For spoiling her nice new clothes.

Again.  Where was mom while Polly was crawling into the FREAKIN FIRE PLACE!!!???  Holy shit, they're lucky there was no fire in there!  What sort of nursery rhyme would that have been?  I won't even go there...too morbid.
Mrs Mama Flinders
Found Polly in the cinders
and realized she was a sucky mom
She drank a bottle of cheap wine
and said, "My daughter is just fine"
and showed the world that she is really dumb.

YOUR SON IS A DRUNK!  Who the hell else sleeps with half his clothes on and half his clothes off.  BOOZER!

Last but not least, is the story of Goldilocks and the 3 bears.  What a ridiculous sting of bad turning worse!

Essentially, Goldie gets lost in the woods, knocks on a door of a house but no one is home so she goes inside, eats their food, breaks their furniture, and sleeps in their beds. 

When the home owners get back they find their place trashed, food eaten, door wide open and some strange girl passed out in their son's bed!

So, let me make sure I've got this straight...

She commits felony breaking and entering, what I assume is misdemeanor destruction of property, theft (skipping a bill at a restaurant is theft, so I'm counting breaking in and eating someone else's food as theft too), and then crashes in their house?  Yeah...awesome role model for our kids!

Where were Goldie's parents when she wandered away from home and into the woods.  Why were the police not notified, an Amber Alert initiated and search parties sent out to find her?  I'm sensing a pattern here...parents neglect kids, kids do something that otherwise would be considered bad, parents blame kids instead of themselves, and this is supposed to teach the readers' children a lesson.  

Oh, let us not forget that the home owners are flesh eating carnivores.  

Goldie freaks out and runs away (the only smart move she makes the entire story).

Baby Bear cried, because Baby Bear is a crier. (5 CDG bucks to whoever knows that movie reference)

I don't know whether the bigger issue is that Goldie obviously has a warped sense of body image and didn't realize that she's too fat for the chair, or the blatant destruction of property occurring that she seems completely unconcerned with.  Does she intend to pay for this damage?  

Isn't it important for our children to learn to take responsibility for their actions?  Run away!  They're bears!  They'll never find you!  Why bother paying for the furniture you destroyed...stupid bears!

Seriously baby bear...perhaps some counseling and work on your self esteem will help you with your need to cry all the time.  You're too young to be that hormonal.

Here's the part of the story they DON'T tell you.  Fast forward 12 years...
Since Goldie ran away from the Bears' house and was never held accountable for her actions, she never learned about breaking the law or how the court system works.
She joined a gang and is a crew runner now.  She has a rap-sheet longer than the stick Mrs. Flinders uses to whip Polly which includes; grand theft auto, racketeering, gang involvement, drive by shootings (she had a falling out with Hansel and Gretel), and dog fighting because after her run in with bears that caused her great post traumatic stress, she has an inane hatred of all animals.  Had Polly's mom gotten her therapy and taught her that her juvenile indiscretions with the law were wrong, she may have avoided a life of poverty, violence, and running from the police.

In all seriousness, looking back at old nursery rhymes is a huge reminder of how different the world is today...back when we were kids, teaching them that being bad meant a whoopin' was just how it was done.  Now, smacking butts can get ya the lock up for abuse.  I'm amazed at the things that were read to us as kids but more so amazed at how the world's view on acceptable behavior and punishment has changed.  Either way, I love these old nursery rhymes.  What a riot!  Anyone got anymore???