All Aboard the Stabbity Train

I hate to break it to y'all but uhm...

YIKES!!!!!

So today I broke my cardinal rule and went Black Friday shopping.  The store was misleadingly calm and once loaded to the point of having to say excuse me more times than I can count to get past people and after a few mishaps of things falling off my stack so tall I couldn't see past it...I stood in the check out line for TWENTY MINUTES!!!  Black Friday-you suck.  Never again!  I'll pay extra to maintain my sanity!

After my shopping trip, I hit the attic to dig out some holiday cheer to decorate with, which is where I found it...a stabbity unlike any other stabbity I have ever seen.
What is a Stabbity?

According to everyone's favorite dictionary (www.urbandictionary.com)

Stabbity Doll: (n) Creepy-ass antique doll that looks like it will come to life and kill you while you’re sleeping. If this thing is in the guest room where you’re supposed to sleep, you will *not* be able to fall asleep because you’re listening for the tappity tappity of tiny little shoes. Has those creepy eyes that open and shut; one of the eyes is inevitably wonky so it looks like it’s winking at you as if to say, “night-night!” Variation: Stabbity Nana Doll; same thing but with human hair from your dead Nana. Bonus points if said doll has actual human teeth as well.

That stabbity doll I saw on stark. raving. mad. mommy. is the creepiest thing I have seen in the whole history of ever.

If you read stark.raving.mad.mommy you know all about Stabbity dolls and how awesomely creepy they are. Mom in a million recently jumped on the stabbity train with a Stabbity Elf found here:  http://www.mom-in-a-million.com/2010/11/santas-little-covert-agent/ and in the spirit of the holidays I am jumping on board myself.
I present to you my very 1st stabbity...The Stabbity Reindeer:

Once upon a time this was a very cute reindeer candle similar to this...but with stabbity eyes...

...but each year it has warped further and further out of shape in my attic.  Now it's deformed and contorted body and what is left of it's ears only add to my belief that the reindeer pulling santa's sleigh are more wild and unruly than anyone ever let on.

So while the hillbillies down the street get their unique decorations set up:

...I am weighing the options:
*Toss the Stabbity Reindeer to the depths of the local dump and let one more piece of Christmas past fade to memory
*or keep the it, and find some twisted way to display this creepy little guy

Back to decorating and making sure no one has found the present stash!

A dirty little turkey

In honor of dirty birds everywhere, and thanks to my dear friend Jacque who delivered my son into this world...

Naughty Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving:

1.   Talk about huge breasts!

2.  Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3.  It's Cool Whip time!

4.  If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!!

5.  That's one terrific spread!

6.  I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7.  Are you ready for seconds yet?

8.  Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9.  Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10.  Don't play with your meat.

11.  Just spread the legs wide open and stuff it in!

12.  Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13.  I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14.  You still have a little bit on your chin.

15.  How long will it take after you stick it in?

16.  You'll know it's ready when it pops up!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY READERS!

May you all find blessings, love, and joy this holiday season.

~ 21stCDG ~

Best Christmas Gifts...2010

It's that time again.  The time for faking like you're excited about that gift you got...spending a ridiculous amount of money on people, and regifting to keep God awful crap out of your house.

Aww.  Why so down on the holidays, 21stCDG?  

Because it's fun to poke fun at stupid presents.  In all honesty I love the holidays and I love love love giving gifts...but mine all rock :)

So without further adieu...

Welcome to 2010 edition of the 21st Century Domestic Goddess's picks for the best/worst/most inappropriate/expensive/ridonkulous Christmas gifts.

Without doubt the #1 most ridonkulous gift out there is the Victoria's Secret annual 'Who-the-hell-can-afford-this-crap' bra.  This year's monstrosity is studded with over 2000 diamonds and weighs in at a hefty $2.5million, the only thing even remotely hefty to come out of VS since it's creation.  The Brazilian model chosen to don this sparkley apparel (and be air brushed to the point of over the top ridiculously obvious) for the catalog is Adriana Lima, who in a past interview stated "I like Coca Cola because Americans drink Coca Cola."  Awww...she really IS the pretty one!  Thank you Adriana for that lovely reminder to those of us who look real that brain and beauty rarely come in one package.

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The talking TP roll.  While I want to mock this, it could actually come in handy when potty training kids.  I can almost hear it reminding my kids not to use too much or too little...

That being said, the horrors that would likely come out of it after my kids (and husband) found the 'record' button, would likely send me under a rock the next time we had company...so I will pass on this purchase for my own home.

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The corn-dog air freshener for your car...ya know, just in case you have the urge to enjoy that Carnie smell during the winter seasons.

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Before going any further, I just want to go on record stating that THIS, is a bad idea if you have young kids.  Encouraging them to stick anything up their nose just can not be good...however, if you are in the mood to be gross, disgusting, or mentally deranged, go ahead and pick up a nose sharpener for that loved one who does lots of pencil work.

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The Control A Woman remote:

I would go in depth about all of the buttons...but they speak for themselves.  While I wouldn't mind using the breast shrinking button on myself, I have to say...there should be a woman's version too...so VOILA courtesy of yours truly:

There!  Isn't that better!

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This one seems to hold a special place in the stocking this year considering the current state of the marketplace and economy.  It's the Fishing Pole Pick Pocket.  Oh yes...now your kids can practice the art of grifting from the comfort of their own couch.  Watch out though parents!  Your wallets might feel extra light after this special gift makes its way into your homes!

I so totally want this...but it's because I'm a HUGE Chihuly freak

Dale Chihuly is undoubtedly the glass sculpting master mind of the world.  His work will blow you away, and is very rarely ever sold on the private market...so why wouldn't this amazing SWIMMING POOL FLOOR go for $1.5 million?!?  Frivolous?!?  PFFFFFFFFFFT!  If I ever won the power ball, I'd so be blogging pics of this in my pool...which now that I think about it, being glass, would likely pop my 15' round quick-set mushroom shaped bright blue excuse for a swimming spot...

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While we're on the topic of frivolous and stupid expensive, how about a $248,000.00 charm bracelet?  Why, yes please!  Who wouldn't want to show off a child like collection of ... ya know, I can't even tell what half of those things are.  But come on!  It has a robot!!!  And a windmill!  I mean, how can you go wrong?!?

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I think angel things are creepy.  Mostly angel baby things.  Angel babies are dead babies...stop making statues of dead babies...it's sad, especially to those of us who have real angel babies looking down at us.  Likewise, angel dogs are sad.  Holidays are happy...dead dogs are sad.  Bad taste.  Though I do <3 my German Shep, she is far from an angel!

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Who doesn't need key chain nuts?!  I know I would just die for a shiney silver sac to hang off my keys next to my laminated pictures of my children!  It just screams "YEE HAW, my car's got a pair!"

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F YOU snobby wine drinkers, with your fancy little charm thingies to keep you from drinking the wrong person's drink once you're a few too many bottles into the night!  Now us beer guzzlers have some drink bling of our own!  That's right!  Rubber bracelets for our long necks!  (Seriously, anyone buying me a gift, I would so use these at our parties!)

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The "boobilicious" bath towel is a great self esteem booster for your wife!  Let her know how much you appreciate her rack!  Just make sure she knows it goes letters up, wouldn't want her offended if she thought that part was supposed to go around her big ass!

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Titanic ice cubes!  Watch the ship go down over and over again as you chug a lug your booze this holiday season!  Nothing says "I'm classy" like reliving one of the greatest transportation loss of lives in written history like chomping away on these cubes!

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Again, I would totally use this on my desk.  This pen holder is androgynous but close your eyes and make a wish and it's almost as therapeutic as a voodoo doll!  Stab it over and over, and think of your boss, your ex, your in laws, or your spouse depending on how F'ed your life is.

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So long Frosty the snow man, hello Frosty the Margarita!  These plastic ice cubes can recreate Frosty's untimely demise over and over and over again.  Caution, may reduce children to tears.

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Need a gift for that special girl in your life that just can't seem to pick the right guy?  How about the "No Dick-head's" T-shirt!!?  It's blatant advertising at it's best and will ward off anyone smart enough to figure out what it means...which is like 6% of the male population...goes great with the Control-a-Man remote!

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What's creepier than an angel dog to memorialize your passed pup?  A dog in a bubble!  "But how can be breathe?"  He can't!  It's cool, he's frozen! :)  

More insanity for the people with too much bloody money...a life size edible gingerbread house!  Your kids can get all Fatty McFatlestein on this $15,000.00 sugary shack!  Stupidity at it's best!

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If you haven't had enough of the ice cubes yet, here are some disgusting "tooth" ice cubes.  Great for dentists, orthodontists, and freaks who like teeth.

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Always dreamed of marrying a stripper?  Now with enough booze (for your wife), and this easily installed "Dance Pole" kit, you can have your very own in home dancing trash!  Price recently slashed from $250 to $99!!

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For your dog...because ya know he's throwing parties in his house at night...there's Johnny Barker Black Lab puppy drink.  Is it booze?  I have no idea...they lost me at the title.

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Suggestive pillow cases will set the mood...for hilarity that is!  I fail to see how these could in any way inspire a night of randy romance, but maybe if you have a thing for child like looking cartoons...?

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Need a new place to call your own.  For a meager $250,000.00 you can own this luxury house boat.  Just think...you can live anywhere that there's water...crazy amounts of windows and lights not included.

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If you're all about the noses, or grossness, or boogies, or snot, or gvomitous things...you could have a hand soap dispenser in the shape of a giant nose that snots your soap out when you push on it.  How gagtastic?

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Take your privileged pups for a ride on this bicycle cart thingy.  I stress the privileged part of the previous statement because to do so on this rockin ride, you have to dish out $4500.00.  Uhm.  My dogs can walk.

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What holiday season is complete without a plastic reindeer who craps brown candies for you to eat?  Admittedly, I used to have one of these...thanks, Mom. (And you people wonder why I'm deranged!)

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"Water for Dummies" or an LED light set that lights up red when turned on hot and blue when turned on cold. Easy to install this futuristic looking faucet accessory.  Though, you all know me, I would do it backwards.  

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For you music freaks and/or douche bags who luuuuuuuuuuurve attention; a hat and shirt sporting synthesizers that actually light up in response to noises around them.  Now, I'm thinking you pair this with the randy romance pillows and see how the room lights up!

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Why, Santa!  Is that a reindeer whip in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?  

Last but not least, no holiday is complete without a nasty Santa.  I'm especially partial to the skull and crossed candy canes tattoo on his arm.  It's the details that really make this gift special.

This Thanksgiving Eve, with Black Friday just around the corner and Christmas looming on the horizon; take a few moments and put some thought into making each and every gift you give something truly special this year. I guarantee you, with my gift guide, this can be a holiday season that your friends and family will never forget.

In all seriousness, if any of you sick fucks want to buy one of these items, shoot me an email and I'll link you to the sites I found them at.  notsodomestic at yahoo dot com

I love my readers (& some self promotion)

One of my readers (I know who you are and I <3 YOU!) nominated me for thebabble.com's top 50 blogs.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO; if you love me, hate me but are addicted to me, or just enjoy a gigglesnort at my expense now and then, check it out and vote for me!

Come on!
All the cool kids are doing it!!

Just go here:
http://www.babble.com/babble-50/mommy-bloggers/nominate-a-blogger/index.aspx
And at the top of the list click over to "alphabetical" instead of the "popularity" tab that comes up automatically, and I'm just a few down from the top.

You don't need an account, password or to subscribe to anything!

OK so even though I think giveaways are lame and just a way to gain followers to probably don't read your shit unless your giving something away anyway...if I make the top 50, I will do a HUGE super awesome give away.  Details to come!

Backstreet's Back

Or at least that's the rumor.  Can't say I'm jumping up and down about it, but I do have to admit that the video of last night's performance with NKOTB was mildly amusing.




Now, its been some years and I was never a screaming NKOTB freak fan but let me see if I can get them straight...Danny Wood is about 10 shades beyond looking ridden hard and put away wet, but is that him wearing enough MAC shadow to make Christina Aguillera call for his make-up artist's number?
Danny, that only looked good on Brandon Lee...and you're not him!

Jordan Knight...well we all know what happened to him.  He hit puberty and went straight to singing songs of encouragement to serial rapists:

It's creepin' around in your head
Me holdin' you down in my bed
You don't have to say a word
I'm convinced you want this

Yeah.  Nice.  No means No, Jordan doesn't matter how amazing your hair was back in the day.  

Though I do have to admit, that looking at him now, he kinda does look like a serial rapist.

So the New Kids hooked up with the Backstreet Boys to do a mash-up style performance last night.  If you haven't watched it, go back up to the top of the post and check check it out.  Sometimes what happens in the past should stay in the past.  Digging out old bands and letting them sing off key (cough*Brian Litrell*cough) on National semi-live TV is almost as bad as drunk dialing an ex in the hopes that they don't suck anymore.  Yeah.  Unlikely.

"But the careers of NKOTB and BSB ended so fast!"
Uhm yeah, there's a reason for that.

Surely it couldn't have been their captivating lyrics that speak to the souls of pre-pubescent girls!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. 
Listen up everybody if you wanna take a chance. 
Just get on the floor and do the New Kids' dance. 
Don't worry 'bout nothing 'cause it won't take long. 
We're gonna put you in a trance with a funky song, 'cause you gotta be 
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough. 
We're rough. 

Uhm no.  50 Cent is rough.  You're a bunch of pretty boys from Boston.

 BTW, 50...Thank you for those abs.  -Sincerely, every woman on the planet.

Hey, yeah
Oh my God, we're back again
Brothers, sisters, everybody sing
Gonna bring the flavor, show you how
Gotta question for you better answer now, yeah

Am I original?
Yeah
Am I the only one?
Yeah
Am I sexual?
Yeah
Am I everything you need?
You better rock your body now

Seriously?  So it's you we have to blame for the OMG craze.  Good.  Now I know who to kick next time I hear "OMG!" come out of a kid's mouth.  What happens if I refuse to answer the question now?  Will you all cat scratch me and bitch slap me to death?  Have your stylist tease my hair so I can't brush it?  *GASP*   maybe they will send someone over to break all my N'Sync cds!!  NOT THAT!
Fine, I will answer the question...

Am I original?
Not really, boy bands have been around for a while.  You're pretty much a dime a dozen.
Am I the only one?
Wait...I was told there was A question, not multiple questions!
Am I sexual?

Dude, even the cat had to stiffle a g'vomit on that one.  
Am I everything you need?
To be totally honest, I need some new cookware, someone to go dig my winter boots out of storage, to win the lotto, and someone to carry out a hit for me...so if you can do those things, then yes you will be everything I need, at least for now.You better rock your body now
Whoa bossy!  You rock YOUR body.  I'll rock mine when I want to.  Wtf does that mean anyway?

It's officially happened.  I've become that person who's old and crotchity and hates the music kids listen to.  Like the NKOTBSB attempt to pay off their coke debts isn't bad enough, I've recently been bombarded by a friend's kid with this band called 3 OH! 3.

I'm fairly certain that the OH! stands for OH my God my ears are bleeding from listening to that horse shit you call music!
1st off, I'd never even heard of them until last week.  Apparently, they already have 4 albums out.
In true boy band fashion they have lyrics to melt the young girl's heart...
Show me yours
I'll show you mine (mine)
Don't you worry 
You're too fine
We got one thing on our minds
And we've got plenty of time


Wait!  I said young girl's heart...That's hardly something I want my tweens listening to!  As a matter of fact, if any boy tries to show my kids his, he's going to be showing it from a jar because I'll remove it for him!

T-t-t-tongues always pressed to your cheeks,
While my tongue is on the inside of some other girls teeth,
T-tell your boyfriend if he says hes got beef,
That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him

I don't really think there is even anything I can say about this to bash it that's worse than the actual lyrics themselves.  Who writes this shit?!?
OK #1 I'm all about a good make out session but EWW...do you have to describe it as tongue on the inside of someone else's teeth.  GAG.  I think I threw up in my mouth a little.  Maybe things have changed since I was that age, but I don't think licking the parsley out of my boyfriend's incisors was why we made out.

Yeah, I do NOT want my kids hanging out with or idolizing these douche bags.

Dude on the left is obviously in <3 <3 with dude on the right...who also looks like he could be a serial rapist.

NO MEANS NO SEAN FOREMAN!  REMEMBER THAT!

So Backstreet is touring with their lack of ability to carry a tune...even in NKOTB's bucket.  Flexing their vocal chords which, aside from JT, have been neglected for the better part of a decade.  (Just a side note, turns out JT is much funnier than he is talented in music.)
NKOTB is attempting to turn Jonathan Knight away from the mighty realestate world, keep Danny Wood off bad pop star MTV shows, and pull Donnie away from making movies which he is actually...surprisingly not totally sucky at...aaaaaaaaaaaaaand
3 OH! 3 (what the hell does that mean anyway?) is filling the air waves with their techno/rap/teeth licking ack-age.  Thank God that I don't listen to the stations that play them...

If this is the future of music, then I am happy falling into place with the other old farts who sit on their rockers and raise & shake their fists as kids drive by with their windows down and crap they call music blaring.

I always thought my mom was pretty cool.  She raised me on CCR, John Denver, and Van Morrison.  Maybe my kids will think the same of being raised on The Black Crowes, Metallica, and Tori Amos...who knows.  All I know is, in this house, it's "3 oh hell no 3".