Lamaze Classes Doomed Me

In through the nose, out through the mouth does not apply to all situations.  *gigglesnort*  And No.  I'm not being a freak...hear me out.

When I was 5 or so my docs told my mom my allergies are bad enough they could cause asthma.  Ok. Whooptie doo.  Never had a problem with it in my life...until after my Katrina experience.  For 3 years I was the asthma queen, constantly puffin my inhaler like the little brother from The Goonies.  Since starting allergy shots last winter, my allergies have been pretty much non existent.

A week ago, both my Moose man and I came down with ear infections.  Him before me thankfully...I hate when I make him sick, kicks the mommy guilt in me.  I've had a cough.  OOOOOOOOOOOH!  Hold me back!  A cough!  No big thing.  I hit my inhaler the other day because I felt like I was having a little asthma attack and done is done.  Or not.

Last night I had a meeting and then plans to meet for dinner with my husband so we could "talk" about shit that's going on and where things are headed.  Between my meeting and dinner I had just enough time to run a few towns away to deliver a cd to some clients.  As I was wrapping up my meeting I realized my arms felt a little tingly.  That's usually a sign of an asthma attack coming on.  No big thing, I knew my inhaler was in my diaper bag at my parent's house a few miles away, figured I'll bust ass over to drop the CD, get back to mom and dad's, grab my inhaler and get to dinner...and who knows, depending on how dinner goes, maybe a little fun after.  *wink wink nudge nudge*

WRONG.

By the time I made 15 minutes in the car, my asthma attack, which normally isnt a big deal...had me driving with my arms over my head to try to open up my chest cavity (yeah, like that's safe), legs arms and even my jaw buzzing because oxygen wasn't circulating well enough and starting to feel a black out coming on...a feeling I only know from a wicked cool blood donation experience which resulted in my opening my eyes being held by a total hottie.
While my client loves me, I doubted she wanted me passing out in her family room so having learned some things working recently with the fire dept, I drove another 2 blocks and walked into the local fire station asking for help.  I knew not to breath fast, but I tried the long in the through nose, out through the mouth shit they taught us in our birthing class which, for the record...we ditched the last 2 days of cuz I didnt plan on a c-section...of course, I had one.  Well the in through the nose, out through the mouth thing...yeah it just made it worse.

They call for a few guys to come in and wouldn't ya know, one of them TOTALLY took my mind off my asthma.  Sweet baby Jane this guy was smokin, built, and had no ring on (and no tan line from a ring...I'm a photographer and looking at being back on the market...I notice these things).  I considered asking him if he thought mouth to mouth would help...BUT damn my conscience and the fact that I refuse to b ethat girl who starts playin the field before my divorce is over.  At the end of the day, I still deep down love my husband too much to disrespect him that way.

They hooked me up to the pulse-ox monitor, took my BP etc etc and after some discussion, convinced me to let them take me to the ER.  Awesome.  Just what I had planned for my Tuesday night.  I giggled as I realized I had made it to 32 years old with countless car accidents, injuries and illnesses and had never gotten to ride in an ambulance before.  It was kinda fun.  The lady in the ambulance was super sweet and because of the way my lungs sounded, the started me on a double nebulizer treatment right away.  THIS resulted in my heart rate shooting up and me wanting to get out of the ambulance, strip off my shirt and run along behind them barking.  Albuterol jacks me up.

I suppose its EMT humor, but the 3rd time the geeky kid driving the ambulance said "heh, we haven't dropped one yet", I stopped snickering at it.  Thank God I wasn't the 1st.  Into the ER, gotta love no waiting room...hooked up to everything and sure as shit even after the neb treatment my o2 levels were down.  YAY.  Bring on another albuterol treatment.  Remember this scene from Biodome?

I FEEL LIKE A DUCKBILLED PLATYPUS!  As I sat in the room alone, with a long tube sticking out of my face and smoke coming out the end, that wasn't my EXACT thought, but more along the lines of feeling like this guy:

I finally got to texting and filled in my mom and dad, called the hubs and he came to meet me at the ER.  I do appreciate him keeping me company.  Have to admit, most of the time he was there was fun.

A loading dose of prednisone, another double nebulizer treatment, a diagnosis of bronchitis on top of my asthma and we were outta there.  Now like that isn't enough, or the fact that the evening reduced itself to a fight in the car...I get to MY car and guess what, my freakin headlights don't work...only the brights.
*insert me cussing 1st, then crying, then cussing, then getting out of my car and kicking my car*

The Hubs offered to help.  Well, uhm, me+prednisone+in a fight=me saying I didnt want his help.  Dumbass.  So he headed off and I said fuck it, I'll drive with my brights on.  I mean, its only...10 miles to my parents house and another 50 miles home.  LMAO.  By the time I hit the last leg of my trip home I was screaming "SWEET JESUS I KNOW MY BRIGHTS ARE ON!" at pretty much every car that drove by.  I really hated the Dbags who would turn theirs on and leave them on.  Really...does that make them feel better????
How I didn't get pulled over, is beyond me.  I secretly prayed that if I did get pulled over, it would be a hot cop.  I mean, if you're gonna get a ticket, might as well make it worth while by having some eye candy.  I made it home just in time to not lose my mind completely...give my boy (who also has bronchitis) his nebulizer treatment and try to salvage my night by catching up on some lame TV.

Today has been a rock n roll day.  Ive rearranged the furniture in 3 rooms of my house, scrubbed my kitchen cabinets, my hard wood floors, my woodwork and all my wood furniture, and am TRYING to keep Moose and I on the same albuterol schedule so we're jacked up at the same time.  Could be a long few days.

Yup

I got nothing to say, just wanted to share my new do (to be cut again tomorrow) and my color...a revive from a few months ago.  Love the red.  XOXO!

Pony-ing up...eww that made me gag

Well, it had to happen eventually.  I've been avoiding this post like the plague but in light of my recent decisions and based on the fact that done is done, it's time to own up to what's been going on and why I haven't been posting lately.

I posted a while back about being separated and how it had hit me that the men in my life, friends, family etc, would play a major roll in my son's upbringing since daddy dearest isn't around much.  At that time, I was still hopeful that a reconciliation was coming...uhm...cuz that's what he (stbxh also known as dumbshit who threw away the best thing ever) said.  See...I'm not an idiot.  I'm street smart and I know when I'm being played...usually.  I'm also a sucker for love and well quite frankly, you THINK you know someone.

Here's how it all went down.
Lose baby.  Get pregnant.  Have baby.  Get post pardum stupid depression.  Don't realize it.  *insert me stating here that one would think since he had been through PPD with his 1st wife...oh I don't know...maybe HE would have recognized it.  OH wait! He did, he just never tried to get me help*.  At the same time have court shit go down with 1st wife (his clearly, not mine) and bang...we get what has been referred to as "essentially a midlife crisis".

I dunno about you, but when I think midlife crisis, I think this:

When he thinks midlife crisis, apparently he thinks this:

Mmmmm, river horse lovvvvvvvvve

Catty.  I know.  Would you expect any less?  I gotta say though, if I was a guy and I was going to risk a marriage with a woman who did all the laundry, dishes, yard work, cleaning, took care of my kids from my 1st marriage as though they were my own, gave me my only son who I wanted so bad, and kept me more than happy in the bed room, it'd be with some smokin hot chick not a river horse.  Guess we don't think alike...maybe thats why our marriage didnt work.  

So back to how it went down...he starts going out at night, staying out till 4am or in that neighborhood.  Bars close at 1 around here.  A so called friend of mine, who's known to be the local drive thru, was having him over to her parents' private bar and her friends houses.  Nice.  Super classy.  Not surprising since infidelity is like her middle name.  

I'll never know if he started stripping off her fat suit ...

(ya know, those one piece things old women wear under their clothes to hold all their fat in...yeah she's a huge fan of them, talks about them all the time...even has a favorite brand which I'm guessing is the above cuz I know its a Walmart special) before or after he left home.  Frankly, I don't want to know.  What I do know is, I asked and asked specifically about HER cuz she ran her mouth too much.  He lied.  Not surprised, he always said he could be walked in on and would still deny cheating.  Just some eww factor to the fact that I was still gettin it on with him while he was gettin it on with the a woman who'd been around the block like Richard Petty goin around Taladega.  *shudders*  yeah....I'm awaiting STD screening results.

***Here is where I humbly swallow my pride and say to his 1st wife that she was right about a lot of things about him.  I didn't want to believe it when she said after a few years he'd get bored, start hitting bars and bang some younger chick from down the road (damn, she called that).  I didnt believe that he would do to me what he did to her cuz well...I'm me.  Yeah.  Clearly, once a cheater always a cheater. So, you know who you are and if you're still stalking me...you were right!***

Now that I'm done gagging down my pride...back to the story.

So we separate, blah blah, months of counseling and "we're working on fixing things" goes by...which now, looking back is far too reminiscent of our high school dating days, minus the counseling of course. 

About a month ago, he came clean about the affair.  I want to say I was surprised but I wasn't.  2 reasons...#1, he not only didnt have time for me, but also didnt have time to take his week day visitation with our son...his kids are the world to him, and having been the other woman the 1st time around with him, I knew the only thing he would blow his kid off for was someone he was really in love with or someone spreadin' it like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.  And #2, when a the WAY a person has sex changes (like the actual physical things they do, especially when its weird shit) there is only one of 2 reasons for it, one is that they are watching a LOT of porn and getting ideas...since he's living in his mom's basement with his 3 kids from his 1st marriage...unlikely.  The second reason a person changes how they have sex is if they're having it with someone else and that person is influencing how they do things.  I noticed.  I noticed in April.

Anyway, it only took 3 days after admitting to the affair and me saying he could take a hike, for him to decide he wanted to be with me, so he claimed to have cut ties with her, pushed off our divorce date, and made a laundry list of things he was going to do to prove to me that I could trust him.

Uhm...note to guys.  When you give your wife access to your email account, but not before cleaning out the inbox, don't forget to clean out the SENT BOX TOO!!!  

I got to see the cute posts she put up on his facebook page, things like "I love you so fucking much" and about him cooking dinner for her and not being able to sleep without him. 

*This is where I point at our so called mutual friends (you know who you are) and say "don't fucking lie and say you didn't know, it was all over his FB page"*

I got to see the pictures of his penis he sent to her phone.  Note to Iphone users, your pic messages go through your email...which means they stay in your email sent box.  Nice.  Guess I should just be glad the pics of his junk that he sent to me werent the same ones he sent to her.  We weren't being mass flashed via cell phone, we each got individual attention.

OH and mind you, all this was going on behind her husband's back...oh no wait, she had the balls to tell him about it pretty much up front.  She even filed for divorce because her and my hubby were going to run off and have a happy fairytale life together.  He despises horses, she has horses.  She doesnt want anything to do with kids, he has 4.  Clearly you can see they were a match made in heaven.  Turns out that chasing after so called unattainable guys is like a game for her.  We weren't the 1st couple she got between and I doubt we will be the last.  She told me once, before we stopped being friends, that she had slept with 84 guys.  Since she's been with her husband pretty much since high school, you do the math on how that works out with being faithful.  Once she realized the kids weren't going to be ditched she started changing her mind.  

So fast forward 4 ish weeks to now, almost nothing being done by him to prove that he wants to fix things, and definitely nothing to prove I can trust him...although he claims that's cuz his mom won't let him print out his phone records (his phone is in her name) to show me he isn't still talking to the mistress who dresses up like an old time cowboy and shoots balloons with guns (man, how could I NOT have seen how incredibly attractive this chick is, I mean what guy WOULDN'T WANT HER!!)...and I hit the wall last week and realized that my heart will always ache for the man I lost, but he's been gone for a long time.  My head took over and I know that not only am I better off without him, my son is better off with us not trying to reconcile.  I'm not even going down the why would his mommy not let him print that and why would he let her make life decisions for him like that road.  

So fixing things no longer means holding my tongue in hopes of healing a broken marriage...it means moving on.  I'm done, I've washed my hands of this whole ugly mess.  Hopalong Cassidy can have him if she wants him.  I miss my step daughters but such is life.  Moose is my only concern.  That perfect marriage and incredible love that I bragged about early on in my posting days is done and over and I say fuck it!  I've cried all the tears I had to cry and burned as many bridges as I could between me and him and I WILL live my life and be happy from here on out.

So that's the scoop.  That's why I wasnt blogging, I had little to say that wouldn't have made you all want to slit your wrists for a while and when I DID want to post it would have been way out of line mean.  But I'm back, and I'm bold, and I've found myself again and I'm happy.  So look out blog readers, I'm back to my snarky fun self and will be posting regularly again :)

OH And PS...thank you to my husband and his mistress for the stress...I've lost 74 lbs total, dropped 4 dress sizes and feel AMAZING and confident and beautiful thanks to them!  I'M BACK, BITCHES!

The Scarlet Letter

Let me tell you a tale about what happens when someone falls off the stupid tree and lands in such a manner as to cram their head square up their sphincter.

There are so many things a person can do that make everyone stop and stare in confusion and amazement at the wonder of the sheer absurdity of their actions.  Right now, one in particular...er I guess 2, stick out like a well quite frankly like a hooker in a high class establishment.  Although hookers get paid...just sayin.

Its a funny thing about small towns.  Townies think they're untouchable.  They think they have a God given right to act like they're better than everyone else.  News flash, decades of family members never venturing out of a 6 block by 11 block middle of nowhere village does not produce top breeding quality.  It produces wide child bearing hips and kids with buck teeth *cough*inbreeding*cough*.

I was born in a small town and I like the small town life, until that is, I have to deal with that sort of townie.  Here's the thing.  I don't give a fuck who you or the horse you rode in on think you are, I'm NOT the person to start a war with.  No one is untouchable and thinking you're entitled only makes you look like a stupid cunt.

So back to absurd actions...aside from the entire concept of delusions of grandeur...well, I'll just say it flat out.  Fucking another woman's husband is a BAD IDEA.

When you watch a mess like that unravel no matter how close or far you are from the core of it, its like seeing not one train but stacks and stacks of trains wreck into one another and topple every which way as they spill off the tracks.  I wanna quote songs left and right cuz we had a blast on FB the other day posting the videos of all the songs we could think of that refer to this sort of stupidity and whorish actions.  I will try to refrain from too much of it.

When you cheat.  It gets out.  There is NO such thing as an affair that no one ever finds out about.  Someone always slips, gets psycho, changes their mind, or confides in the wrong person.  Uhm this situation that I watched unravel over the last few weeks...gets a big check check check and check on all those points.  Long story short, once upon a time a girl THOUGHT she had a good friend and entrusted her friend with her emotions and feelings about her and her husband drifting apart.  Said "friend" turned out to be a skeevy homewrecker with an inability to  keep her pussy glued shut and her hands off other people's man meat.  Oh, and have I mentioned, she's married.  Yeah.  Klassy with a capital K.  That's right, I said K, not C.  Get with it.

Well, sluts are sluts at any age and guys are stupid and think with their little heads.  Skeevy bitch+marriage in trouble+mediocre sex with said skeevy bitch=short term affair.  Like all that's not stupid enough, there's 2 things that people never think about before they do something like this.

1.  What do you REALLY know about the person who you're crossing.  People let you know what they want you to know about them.  The secrets that lie beneath are what create the core fabric of who those people are and unless you know how tightly threaded they are and if there are holes or if they're made of kevlar and spikes...you really should choose who you go to battle with very cautiously.  Some people have no problem in a situation like this, putting it out there for the world to know that the affair happened.  And that's what happened here.  The wife finds out, and BAM the whole town knows, the whole internet knows, literally by name...who, what, where, and when.  In a town of less than a thousand people, news like that spreads like wide fire and that's just what the wife wanted...especially because the skeever has a rep for this shit already.

Remember, we're talking about a townie whore, that means lots of family and long time friends now know what's happened.  The chick actually had the balls to ask the wife to apologize for letting everyone know what happened.  Really?  Are you out of your shit spreadin, corn shuckin, cousin kissin mind?!?!  How, in ANY WAY, is what happened, or it getting out, something the wife should have to apologize for?  Simple truth is, if you dont want it to get out, don't do it.  If it gets out, you have no one to blame but yourself for spreadin yourself like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.